I haven't posted for a long while. A remarkable man came into my life in July 2012 and I have been focusing on a healthy US. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me because I am learning so much about myself; my actual self, not what someone tells me about myself. Like in scripture/gospel study, self-discovery through the Spirit is always the best way to learn the actual truth. It is a tremendous blessing to be loved by a man who treats me as a beloved daughter of God; not a perfect daughter but a daughter of infinite worth in healthy, virtuous ways. We have been dating for 18 months and I now realize I have only one regret in my whole life: going on a second date 42 years ago with a man who made me feel cheap ( an object of his lust). THIS is what dating, romance, love, intimacy is supposed to feel like! And there is nothing sexual about our relationship; we are a 'For the Strength of Youth' couple and we love it.
So, here I am... separated for six years, divorced for 3 1/2 of those years and absolutely loving life, loving family, loving friends, loving serving and loving this good man. 2014 might just be a new beginning for me.
;-)
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Intimacy
Notes from I can't recall where; they are just in my 2008 small plates (journals with musing and insight from speakers, books, thoughts).
"Addiction renders a relationship empty, joyless and demoralizing. The relationship is contingent on sexual performance."
Aspects of Intimacy
Initiative: calls, reaches out, risks expressions of care; invite others to share activities/ problems; takes responsibility to maintain relationship.
Presence: Emotionally available to others; listens and attends to others; explicit about reactions; spends time with others; notices what happens to others; accepts attention of others.
Completion: finishes things = builds trust; finalize arrangements with others; acknowledges care; works for closure on problems; responsible to others' needs and wants; expresses appreciation for completed efforts.
Vulnerability: shares process of thinking and feeling; talks about dilemmas; involves others in discussions; allows feedback; reveals self not shared with others; fears and sense of inadequacies shared with others.
Nurturing: cares for others; makes caring statements; empathizes with others pain; supportive and encouraging; offers suggestions; affirms value of others; does things for others when it does not diminish them in any way; touches others.
Honesty: claims positive and negative feelings; clear about priorities and values; specific about disagreements; provides feedback when asked; admits flaws and mistakes; is fully known to intimates.
These are the aspects of intimacy that contribute to a satisfying sexual relationship. Addicts believe intimacy = sex; the lack of these other aspects are what render the relationship so unfulfilled...what makes us feel cheap and used.
"Addiction renders a relationship empty, joyless and demoralizing. The relationship is contingent on sexual performance."
Aspects of Intimacy
Initiative: calls, reaches out, risks expressions of care; invite others to share activities/ problems; takes responsibility to maintain relationship.
Presence: Emotionally available to others; listens and attends to others; explicit about reactions; spends time with others; notices what happens to others; accepts attention of others.
Completion: finishes things = builds trust; finalize arrangements with others; acknowledges care; works for closure on problems; responsible to others' needs and wants; expresses appreciation for completed efforts.
Vulnerability: shares process of thinking and feeling; talks about dilemmas; involves others in discussions; allows feedback; reveals self not shared with others; fears and sense of inadequacies shared with others.
Nurturing: cares for others; makes caring statements; empathizes with others pain; supportive and encouraging; offers suggestions; affirms value of others; does things for others when it does not diminish them in any way; touches others.
Honesty: claims positive and negative feelings; clear about priorities and values; specific about disagreements; provides feedback when asked; admits flaws and mistakes; is fully known to intimates.
These are the aspects of intimacy that contribute to a satisfying sexual relationship. Addicts believe intimacy = sex; the lack of these other aspects are what render the relationship so unfulfilled...what makes us feel cheap and used.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Repentance
I took a class at BYU Education Week offered by a couple who are marriage and family therapists as well as leaders of a 12-Step Group for Addictions.
The 4 days were directed for family members of addicts and it focused on repentance; how do you know if a loved one has truly repented? It is an agonizing decision to have to make;when does the Lord say, "Enough is enough!" There are some in the church who say, "You never give up on a marriage or loved one." There are therapists that say even Jesus taught the prodigal had to hit rock bottom before he "came to himself" and turned his life around; sometimes divorce is the rock bottom, the natural and wise consequence of addiction. This couple did not promote divorce but were wise enough to assist those struggling with the effects of living with an addicted loved one by sharing their insights about how to determine if repentance is sincere.
I will share some of their insights as well as add teachings from the prophets (italicized) and my own comments.
The gospel of Jesus Christ challenges us to change. “Repent” is its most frequent message, and repenting means giving up all of our practices—personal, family, ethnic, and national—that are contrary to the commandments of God. The purpose of the gospel is to transform common creatures into celestial citizens, and that requires change. DH Oaks
We Must Recognize Our Sins To repent, we must admit to ourselves that we have sinned. If we do not admit this, we cannot repent. We cannot hide any act of our lives from ourselves or from the Lord. When someone has truly repented, there will not be the blame-game that most addicts go through; to an addict, it is always someone else's fault for their addiction. When an addict can take full responsibility for his addiction, he might be on the road to actual repentance.
We Must Feel Sorrow for Our Sins In addition to recognizing our sins, we must feel sincere sorrow for what we have done. We must feel that our sins are terrible. We must want to unload and abandon them. In what ways do you think “godly sorrow” is different from expressions of regret?
Again, like before, an addict will make excuses for himself: it isn't that bad what I do, others do far worse than me; I don't really need to go to the 12-step group, those guys are hard-core. A repentant person will acknowledge that any involvement in illicit behavior is an abomination before God. A client that has a healthy understanding of sorrow for sin is not beating himself with excessive recriminations but he is not minimalizing his addiction either.
We Must Forsake Our Sins Our sincere sorrow should lead us to forsake (stop) our sins. The Lord revealed to the Prophet Joseph Smith, “By this ye may know if a man repenteth of his sins—behold, he will confess them and forsake them”
Confessing is huge. There are clients who will gladly confess every time they 'slip' but their heart is not in the confession; it has become a game to play..."I confessed, you have to forgive me!" This is so hard. I agonize for you who are reading this with your own experiences with someone 'forsaking sin'.
We Must Confess Our Sins Confessing our sins is very important. The Lord has commanded us to confess our sins. The Lord has promised, “I, the Lord, forgive sins, and am merciful unto those who confess their sins with humble hearts” (D&C 61:2). Reuben J. Clark (of the First Presidency) said, "I would like to point out that to me there is a great difference between confession and admission after transgression is proved. I doubt much the efficacy of an admission as a confession" (April Conference 1950).
In my own personal experience, I never once in 35 years had a confession of wrongdoing; I always would (miraculously sometimes)discover and then confront the addict whose M.O. was deny, lie (outrageous lies), eventually admit, and then make excuses. This made it far easier for me to feel a confirmation in my own decision that "enough was enough".
We Must Make Restitution Part of repentance is to make restitution. This means that as much as possible we must make right any wrong that we have done.
One of the finest examples of restitution came from a client who, when his wife finally divorced him (after years of trying to deal with his addiction), took full responsibility for the divorce by telling his attorney that whatever his wife asked for in the settlement, he wanted her to have it. He wanted her to have their home; he provided generous support for her, never trying to get out of his responsibility for caring for her. There were many in the class who sighed and marveled that such a man existed. Whose heart would not be softened by such a man? But then again, for most of us, the opposite attitude is a reaffirmation that we have made the correct decision regarding divorce so we have to be thankful for each time they show their 'true colors'.
We Must Forgive Others A vital part of repentance is to forgive those who have sinned against us. The Lord will not forgive us unless our hearts are fully cleansed of all hate, bitterness, and bad feelings against other people.
An unrepentant addict will try to portray himself as "the victim"; will talk about the short comings of the spouse with children/others in an attempt to feel better about himself. A repentant person is thinking, speaking, acting with love towards others, especially the mother of his children (even if she divorced him). I met a man at a conference who talked about how he hated his wife who divorced him, and how his life is now so complicated with court appearances, visitation and support payments, loss of his home and former lifestyle 'because of her' (even though he was the one with an addiction). This is a huge red flag that this person has not repented and had a change of heart.
We Must Keep the Commandments of God To make our repentance complete we must keep the commandments of the Lord (see D&C 1:32).. If we do not pray and are unkind to others, we are surely not repentant. When we repent, our life changes. Repentance is more than simply acknowledging wrongdoings. It is a change of mind and heart. It includes turning away from sin and turning to God for forgiveness. It is motivated by love for God and the sincere desire to obey His commandments. FSYouth
For most, repentance is more a journey than a one-time event. It is not easy. To change is difficult. It requires running into the wind, swimming upstream. Jesus said, “If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross and follow me.” Repentance is turning away from some things, such as dishonesty, pride, anger, and impure thoughts, and turning toward other things, such as kindness, unselfishness, patience, and spirituality. It is “re-turning” toward God. As we honestly confess our sins, restore what we can to the offended, and forsake our sins by keeping the commandments, we are in the process of receiving forgiveness. NL Anderson
This is the easiest and hardest thing to deal with. Easy to know when they are 'off the wagon' but hard to make the final decision to walk away. Sister Beck visited our region and answered a sister's question about leaving an addicted spouse. She said, "You need to remember you are a beloved daughter of God. He wants what is best for you. You must set boundaries with the spouse and if those are crossed, you walk away." I wondered, " How many times (years) do you let the boundaries get crossed before you truly walk away?" For me, a nervous breakdown finally let me hear God's voice, "This is over."
The gospel of Jesus Christ challenges us to change. “Repent” is its most frequent message, and repenting means giving up all of our practices—personal, family, ethnic, and national—that are contrary to the commandments of God. The purpose of the gospel is to transform common creatures into celestial citizens, and that requires change. DH Oaks
We Must Recognize Our Sins To repent, we must admit to ourselves that we have sinned. If we do not admit this, we cannot repent. We cannot hide any act of our lives from ourselves or from the Lord. When someone has truly repented, there will not be the blame-game that most addicts go through; to an addict, it is always someone else's fault for their addiction. When an addict can take full responsibility for his addiction, he might be on the road to actual repentance.
We Must Feel Sorrow for Our Sins In addition to recognizing our sins, we must feel sincere sorrow for what we have done. We must feel that our sins are terrible. We must want to unload and abandon them. In what ways do you think “godly sorrow” is different from expressions of regret?
Again, like before, an addict will make excuses for himself: it isn't that bad what I do, others do far worse than me; I don't really need to go to the 12-step group, those guys are hard-core. A repentant person will acknowledge that any involvement in illicit behavior is an abomination before God. A client that has a healthy understanding of sorrow for sin is not beating himself with excessive recriminations but he is not minimalizing his addiction either.
We Must Forsake Our Sins Our sincere sorrow should lead us to forsake (stop) our sins. The Lord revealed to the Prophet Joseph Smith, “By this ye may know if a man repenteth of his sins—behold, he will confess them and forsake them”
Confessing is huge. There are clients who will gladly confess every time they 'slip' but their heart is not in the confession; it has become a game to play..."I confessed, you have to forgive me!" This is so hard. I agonize for you who are reading this with your own experiences with someone 'forsaking sin'.
We Must Confess Our Sins Confessing our sins is very important. The Lord has commanded us to confess our sins. The Lord has promised, “I, the Lord, forgive sins, and am merciful unto those who confess their sins with humble hearts” (D&C 61:2). Reuben J. Clark (of the First Presidency) said, "I would like to point out that to me there is a great difference between confession and admission after transgression is proved. I doubt much the efficacy of an admission as a confession" (April Conference 1950).
In my own personal experience, I never once in 35 years had a confession of wrongdoing; I always would (miraculously sometimes)discover and then confront the addict whose M.O. was deny, lie (outrageous lies), eventually admit, and then make excuses. This made it far easier for me to feel a confirmation in my own decision that "enough was enough".
We Must Make Restitution Part of repentance is to make restitution. This means that as much as possible we must make right any wrong that we have done.
One of the finest examples of restitution came from a client who, when his wife finally divorced him (after years of trying to deal with his addiction), took full responsibility for the divorce by telling his attorney that whatever his wife asked for in the settlement, he wanted her to have it. He wanted her to have their home; he provided generous support for her, never trying to get out of his responsibility for caring for her. There were many in the class who sighed and marveled that such a man existed. Whose heart would not be softened by such a man? But then again, for most of us, the opposite attitude is a reaffirmation that we have made the correct decision regarding divorce so we have to be thankful for each time they show their 'true colors'.
We Must Forgive Others A vital part of repentance is to forgive those who have sinned against us. The Lord will not forgive us unless our hearts are fully cleansed of all hate, bitterness, and bad feelings against other people.
An unrepentant addict will try to portray himself as "the victim"; will talk about the short comings of the spouse with children/others in an attempt to feel better about himself. A repentant person is thinking, speaking, acting with love towards others, especially the mother of his children (even if she divorced him). I met a man at a conference who talked about how he hated his wife who divorced him, and how his life is now so complicated with court appearances, visitation and support payments, loss of his home and former lifestyle 'because of her' (even though he was the one with an addiction). This is a huge red flag that this person has not repented and had a change of heart.
We Must Keep the Commandments of God To make our repentance complete we must keep the commandments of the Lord (see D&C 1:32).. If we do not pray and are unkind to others, we are surely not repentant. When we repent, our life changes. Repentance is more than simply acknowledging wrongdoings. It is a change of mind and heart. It includes turning away from sin and turning to God for forgiveness. It is motivated by love for God and the sincere desire to obey His commandments. FSYouth
For most, repentance is more a journey than a one-time event. It is not easy. To change is difficult. It requires running into the wind, swimming upstream. Jesus said, “If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross and follow me.” Repentance is turning away from some things, such as dishonesty, pride, anger, and impure thoughts, and turning toward other things, such as kindness, unselfishness, patience, and spirituality. It is “re-turning” toward God. As we honestly confess our sins, restore what we can to the offended, and forsake our sins by keeping the commandments, we are in the process of receiving forgiveness. NL Anderson
This is the easiest and hardest thing to deal with. Easy to know when they are 'off the wagon' but hard to make the final decision to walk away. Sister Beck visited our region and answered a sister's question about leaving an addicted spouse. She said, "You need to remember you are a beloved daughter of God. He wants what is best for you. You must set boundaries with the spouse and if those are crossed, you walk away." I wondered, " How many times (years) do you let the boundaries get crossed before you truly walk away?" For me, a nervous breakdown finally let me hear God's voice, "This is over."
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Divorce
I have 3 dear friends who are separated and planning to divorce. Two are young mothers with children, one is a grandmother of 10.
To them and others I would say:
1. You will absolutely be supported by your siblings. They will always be there for you to listen, advise, cry with and believe in you. It will be difficult to discuss all the events which have brought you to this decision.
Thank God every day for your loving and supportive family.
2. Your parents will love you and be on your side unconditionally. It will be impossible to vocalize to them your experiences (if sexual misconduct is involved); partly out of shame and partly out of protecting your spouse. Listen to their advice if you are lucky enough to have them in your life.
3. Your children will have a hard time. They do not like change and their lives will be disrupted; the family dynamic will never be the same but you have probably lived a lie for many years as you tried to 'keep it together for the kids'. They will spend time alone with their father who, if unrepentant, will portray himself as the victim and you as unforgiving, unmerciful, uncharitable and the cause of the family being torn apart. If he is repentant, he will take full responsibility and make certain the children know his actions were the cause of the divorce; he will build you up in the children's eyes and never try to discredit you as a wife or mother. This will go a long way in promoting healing and unity going forward. Whether your children are 6 or 36 they will not understand your decision or listen to the spiritual confirmations you have received in this most difficult decision. If you are wise, you will not give in to the temptation to justify yourself by sharing negative aspects of their father. It is common for children to side with the poor, unhealthy parent (who will continue to reap what he has sown- a hard, lonely life) so be prepared for their anger towards you.
You are their mother who gave them life and have already sacrificed much for them; loving them enough to return silence and love for their anger is just another sacrifice you can make for their well-being.
"Pray for the strength to walk the high road, which at times may be lonely but which will lead to peace and happiness and joy supernal."
GBHinckley, May 2004 Ensign
4. At church there will be true saints who have learned to follow Christ in word and deed; these will refuse to judge you or label you. They will accept your decision with sadness but love and support you. You will be invited into their homes where they will feed you, listen to you, socialize with you.
Be thankful for these angels in your life.
There will be others at church who will judge your situation without knowing all the facts; they will lecture you about the atonement & forgiveness, share talks and quotes about the selfishness of divorce, try to make you feel guilty and add further grief and pain to your already difficult situation.
Pray for them; they know not what they do.
5. Your neighbors and co-workers will be sorry for your situation but treat divorce as no big deal.
6. Your Bishop will (hopefully) tell you to wait a year and let time confirm the rightness (or wrongness)of your decision. He will give you priesthood blessings and confirm Heavenly Father's love for you as a beloved and valiant daughter. Unlike me, I hope you will tell him everything you have experienced at the hands of your spouse. It is excruciatingly difficult, embarrassing, shameful to vocalize these things but you will heal more thoroughly and quickly if you can do this. He can not be the 'judge in Israel' without the true facts. You will worry about burdening him (he is so innocent) with gross conduct but do it. I wish I had.
7. If he is emotionally unhealthy, the father-of-your-children will talk to your children and portray himself as the victim and you as the judgmental and unforgiving woman. If you are wise you will try at all costs to take the high road and not speak ill of him. He can have their ears for a while but, eventually, you living a life of love and service to them and others will speak much more loudly than playing 'he-said, she-said'. If he is healthy, he will speak only the good and continue to treat you with loving concern and consideration. (Haven't seen a whole lot of these but my dear friend still socializes and travels with the father of her children...so it IS possible.)
8.You will be amazed at the people, ideas, books, situations that will come in to your life to reconfirm the decision the Holy Ghost has already given you. You will feel gratitude and joy at life and receive a special endowment of love (charity)for everyone. You will be protected financially, spiritually, physically and emotionally when you are acting under the influence of the Spirit and your life is aligned with God's will. These will be the hardest years of your life and also the most rewarding because you will come to know God and His son Jesus Christ...not just know about them...but know they are real and sincerely interested in you and your well-being.
To them and others I would say:
1. You will absolutely be supported by your siblings. They will always be there for you to listen, advise, cry with and believe in you. It will be difficult to discuss all the events which have brought you to this decision.
Thank God every day for your loving and supportive family.
2. Your parents will love you and be on your side unconditionally. It will be impossible to vocalize to them your experiences (if sexual misconduct is involved); partly out of shame and partly out of protecting your spouse. Listen to their advice if you are lucky enough to have them in your life.
3. Your children will have a hard time. They do not like change and their lives will be disrupted; the family dynamic will never be the same but you have probably lived a lie for many years as you tried to 'keep it together for the kids'. They will spend time alone with their father who, if unrepentant, will portray himself as the victim and you as unforgiving, unmerciful, uncharitable and the cause of the family being torn apart. If he is repentant, he will take full responsibility and make certain the children know his actions were the cause of the divorce; he will build you up in the children's eyes and never try to discredit you as a wife or mother. This will go a long way in promoting healing and unity going forward. Whether your children are 6 or 36 they will not understand your decision or listen to the spiritual confirmations you have received in this most difficult decision. If you are wise, you will not give in to the temptation to justify yourself by sharing negative aspects of their father. It is common for children to side with the poor, unhealthy parent (who will continue to reap what he has sown- a hard, lonely life) so be prepared for their anger towards you.
You are their mother who gave them life and have already sacrificed much for them; loving them enough to return silence and love for their anger is just another sacrifice you can make for their well-being.
"Pray for the strength to walk the high road, which at times may be lonely but which will lead to peace and happiness and joy supernal."
GBHinckley, May 2004 Ensign
4. At church there will be true saints who have learned to follow Christ in word and deed; these will refuse to judge you or label you. They will accept your decision with sadness but love and support you. You will be invited into their homes where they will feed you, listen to you, socialize with you.
Be thankful for these angels in your life.
There will be others at church who will judge your situation without knowing all the facts; they will lecture you about the atonement & forgiveness, share talks and quotes about the selfishness of divorce, try to make you feel guilty and add further grief and pain to your already difficult situation.
Pray for them; they know not what they do.
5. Your neighbors and co-workers will be sorry for your situation but treat divorce as no big deal.
6. Your Bishop will (hopefully) tell you to wait a year and let time confirm the rightness (or wrongness)of your decision. He will give you priesthood blessings and confirm Heavenly Father's love for you as a beloved and valiant daughter. Unlike me, I hope you will tell him everything you have experienced at the hands of your spouse. It is excruciatingly difficult, embarrassing, shameful to vocalize these things but you will heal more thoroughly and quickly if you can do this. He can not be the 'judge in Israel' without the true facts. You will worry about burdening him (he is so innocent) with gross conduct but do it. I wish I had.
7. If he is emotionally unhealthy, the father-of-your-children will talk to your children and portray himself as the victim and you as the judgmental and unforgiving woman. If you are wise you will try at all costs to take the high road and not speak ill of him. He can have their ears for a while but, eventually, you living a life of love and service to them and others will speak much more loudly than playing 'he-said, she-said'. If he is healthy, he will speak only the good and continue to treat you with loving concern and consideration. (Haven't seen a whole lot of these but my dear friend still socializes and travels with the father of her children...so it IS possible.)
8.You will be amazed at the people, ideas, books, situations that will come in to your life to reconfirm the decision the Holy Ghost has already given you. You will feel gratitude and joy at life and receive a special endowment of love (charity)for everyone. You will be protected financially, spiritually, physically and emotionally when you are acting under the influence of the Spirit and your life is aligned with God's will. These will be the hardest years of your life and also the most rewarding because you will come to know God and His son Jesus Christ...not just know about them...but know they are real and sincerely interested in you and your well-being.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
What Shall We Say?
Part of the Law of the Gospel is contained in D&C 42.
Verse 22: love thy wife with all thy heart and cleave unto her and none else.
verse 25: he that committed adultery and repents with all his heart AND DOETH IT NO MORE, thou shalt forgive
verse 26: But if he doeth it again, he shall not be forgiven.
Now the interesting part: the next verse (27)says "Thou shalt not speak evil of thy neighbor, nor do him any harm"
Why is that verse there? Is it tagged on to the preceding verses or a new thought?
I was thinking today it is a tag for me and a confirmation to not speak out about the father of my children. What good could ever come from sharing info about him with anyone? I have had someone tell me that his 'getting away with it/kids living with deception' is actually more damning to him because it prolongs his repentance. That is HIS problem not mine; I am done with trying to protect him. His future and standing with God is in his hands not mine.
I have become weary during this election season with the negativity and whining of certain candidates. I want to hear what your positive ideas are; how you can move us forward, not whining about the past actions of someone else.
I notice the same thing in communications with divorced people;it is a red flag to me when I hear the blame game creep into conversations. I do the same thing in my head (and aloud sometimes too, unfortunately). It is not attractive, it is not comfortable, it does not bring peace and I want to overcome the tendency to do it. I think the motivation for this weakness is the pain of being victimized or hurt. I want to feel justified in holding on to and nursing my 'wound'. "I am divorced but it is not my fault; it's somebody else's fault".
I've been re-reading a favorite self-help book, Prescriptions For Living and the author has advice for getting over loss and violation. He was burglarized and for a long time he was angry about the loss until he realized the burglar was still in charge of his thoughts and thus his life. The burglary was not the problem, his thoughts and dwelling on the event was what was causing him pain. He decided to change his thoughts by telling himself that the burglar sold his stuff in order to buy Christmas presents for his own family. It doesn't matter if it is true, it is how he thinks about the situation and this thought brings him peace.
I pondered this and actually prayed for days about how to wrap my little brain around this idea; how could I apply it to my own situation? God is there and He sent me a thought the other day: I will think that my children already know about their dad's problems and that it's O.K., they aren't condemning me; now we can all go on and live a happy life. More importantly, God knows about the situation and has blessed me in every way to be able to overcome it and go forward with a joyful life; whose acceptance do I really care about?
My daily goal is charity; looking upon each of our Father's children as He looks at them. I want to be in the building up and loving business every day. I pray for those lips that never speak guile but are busy speaking and acting on the loving thoughts of my heart.
Verse 22: love thy wife with all thy heart and cleave unto her and none else.
verse 25: he that committed adultery and repents with all his heart AND DOETH IT NO MORE, thou shalt forgive
verse 26: But if he doeth it again, he shall not be forgiven.
Now the interesting part: the next verse (27)says "Thou shalt not speak evil of thy neighbor, nor do him any harm"
Why is that verse there? Is it tagged on to the preceding verses or a new thought?
I was thinking today it is a tag for me and a confirmation to not speak out about the father of my children. What good could ever come from sharing info about him with anyone? I have had someone tell me that his 'getting away with it/kids living with deception' is actually more damning to him because it prolongs his repentance. That is HIS problem not mine; I am done with trying to protect him. His future and standing with God is in his hands not mine.
I have become weary during this election season with the negativity and whining of certain candidates. I want to hear what your positive ideas are; how you can move us forward, not whining about the past actions of someone else.
I notice the same thing in communications with divorced people;it is a red flag to me when I hear the blame game creep into conversations. I do the same thing in my head (and aloud sometimes too, unfortunately). It is not attractive, it is not comfortable, it does not bring peace and I want to overcome the tendency to do it. I think the motivation for this weakness is the pain of being victimized or hurt. I want to feel justified in holding on to and nursing my 'wound'. "I am divorced but it is not my fault; it's somebody else's fault".
I've been re-reading a favorite self-help book, Prescriptions For Living and the author has advice for getting over loss and violation. He was burglarized and for a long time he was angry about the loss until he realized the burglar was still in charge of his thoughts and thus his life. The burglary was not the problem, his thoughts and dwelling on the event was what was causing him pain. He decided to change his thoughts by telling himself that the burglar sold his stuff in order to buy Christmas presents for his own family. It doesn't matter if it is true, it is how he thinks about the situation and this thought brings him peace.
I pondered this and actually prayed for days about how to wrap my little brain around this idea; how could I apply it to my own situation? God is there and He sent me a thought the other day: I will think that my children already know about their dad's problems and that it's O.K., they aren't condemning me; now we can all go on and live a happy life. More importantly, God knows about the situation and has blessed me in every way to be able to overcome it and go forward with a joyful life; whose acceptance do I really care about?
My daily goal is charity; looking upon each of our Father's children as He looks at them. I want to be in the building up and loving business every day. I pray for those lips that never speak guile but are busy speaking and acting on the loving thoughts of my heart.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Growth
I returned to the same beach yesterday that I fled to almost exactly four years ago after my breakdown over discovered further infidelities. I hadn't been to this beach since that day but I was ready for it. My friend told me how much growth she has seen in me over the past four years- she has seen me through the highs, the lows, the lack of support (financial as well as emotional), the court appearances, calls and releases, my travels/adventures; trying to cope with unhappy/illogical people...through it all she has been there for me. So if she says I have come a long way, I had to revisit the beach and reflect for myself on how far I have come.
What stands out to me is the testimony I have received that God's love is real. I have never felt so close to Him and been led by Him and been protected by Him in every way (physically, spiritually, financially, emotionally) as I have the past four years. I have always loved the scriptures but I only knew about God (the Sunday school answers)whereas now I know God. The pain and suffering of adversity was an excellent school master for me and I would not trade it for anything. That Orson F.Whitney quote has been realized as eternal truth by me: “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. All that we suffer … builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God … and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven …”
Learning to hold my tongue has been the greatest struggle. I know people in my personal life (as well as this forum)have wanted me to tell my children exactly why I got a divorce. I love my children more than any feeling of disgust, revulsion or revenge I have for their father. The hurtful, judgmental comments of my children over the past four years have sorely tempted me to lash out and tell them just what kind of husband their father actually was but I read about Jesus with those who falsely accused and condemned Him; he answered them not a word. That is the example I will continue to follow. I hear my children say "so and so has a lot worse marriage than my mom did and she is not getting a divorce" and I just smile. (I really have come a long way because I used to have to bite my lip or tongue to the point of blood and then smile...now I can just let it go and smile)
I must express gratitude for the life-experiences which have brought me to this level of testimony. I have a lively hope born of my faith in Christ that Heavenly Father loves me; He spoke to me on the beach four years ago; He has directed my feet in every way through separation,divorce and the joyful life I live today; He has continued to speak to me, giving me assurance that I am on the path which will result in personal sanctification and eventual exaltation with one of His righteous sons.
I wish I was at the side of a righteous companion today but if not... I find joy in my posterity and going "to the rescue" of whoever the Lord sends me. That results in the greatest growth of all.
What stands out to me is the testimony I have received that God's love is real. I have never felt so close to Him and been led by Him and been protected by Him in every way (physically, spiritually, financially, emotionally) as I have the past four years. I have always loved the scriptures but I only knew about God (the Sunday school answers)whereas now I know God. The pain and suffering of adversity was an excellent school master for me and I would not trade it for anything. That Orson F.Whitney quote has been realized as eternal truth by me: “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. All that we suffer … builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God … and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven …”
Learning to hold my tongue has been the greatest struggle. I know people in my personal life (as well as this forum)have wanted me to tell my children exactly why I got a divorce. I love my children more than any feeling of disgust, revulsion or revenge I have for their father. The hurtful, judgmental comments of my children over the past four years have sorely tempted me to lash out and tell them just what kind of husband their father actually was but I read about Jesus with those who falsely accused and condemned Him; he answered them not a word. That is the example I will continue to follow. I hear my children say "so and so has a lot worse marriage than my mom did and she is not getting a divorce" and I just smile. (I really have come a long way because I used to have to bite my lip or tongue to the point of blood and then smile...now I can just let it go and smile)
I must express gratitude for the life-experiences which have brought me to this level of testimony. I have a lively hope born of my faith in Christ that Heavenly Father loves me; He spoke to me on the beach four years ago; He has directed my feet in every way through separation,divorce and the joyful life I live today; He has continued to speak to me, giving me assurance that I am on the path which will result in personal sanctification and eventual exaltation with one of His righteous sons.
I wish I was at the side of a righteous companion today but if not... I find joy in my posterity and going "to the rescue" of whoever the Lord sends me. That results in the greatest growth of all.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
It Takes Two
It is always comforting to have books, articles, people come into your life at just the right moment in answer to heartfelt prayer. I saw this article in Good Housekeeping July 2009 and shared it with the father-of-my-children when we had been separated for about a year and a half.
CHEERIOS
My five-year-old granddaughter was sitting across the kitchen table from me one bright Sunday morning several years ago, digging into a bowl of CHeerios while I read the paper.
Suddenly she said, "Grandma, you're married to Grandpa Frank, right?"
"Yes, Megan," I said
"But you used to be married to Grandpa John, right?"
I braced myself. Here we go, I thought. The grandchildren are beginning to puzzle over why they have multiple sets of grandparents, and I'm going to have to explain what divorce is all about. "Yes, Megan."
Eyes thoughtful, she slowly began spooning in more Cheerios. "You used to be married to Grandpa John, and now you are married to Grandpa Frank..." She paused and nailed me with her eyes. "But you still love Grandpa John, right?"
I hadn't expected this, and I realized I had a millisecond to reassure this child that the world of divorce and remarriage, with all its anger and hurt, did not threaten her small circle of loved people. "Yes, Megan," I said. She let out a sigh of relief and dug back into the Cheerios. Her world was whole.
That evening , I reported the exchange to my husband: how a simple declaration of love had given this grandchild a feeling of safety that my ex-husband and I had been unable to give to our children. Our divorce had left our daughters for some time with divided loyalties, guilt and plenty of residual anger. They had survived and flourished, but why should the grandchildren be forced to pledge allegiance to the same grievances? Wasn't there a point where the enmity could be put to rest? "Who cares anymore who was right or who was wrong?"
He agreed. Soon after that, I talked to my ex-husband and his wife, and the four of us found ourselves agreeing on one bedrock commitment: to give the gift of completeness to our grandchildren. Our story was old news- we had the chance to live a new, better one.
Since then we've shared most family holidays, often in my ex-husband's converted Wisconsin barn. We've wrapped gifts together; taken the kids to the fireworks together; washed dishes together. We're happily remarried to spouses we love and if anyone asked if either he or I pined for the other, I'd have to say, "not in this lifetime or any other."
So was my answer to Megan truthful?
It was. My ex and I could let go of our old disappointments. The reward? Something huge- a chance to give our grandchildren the gift of a shared history. It's their family story now. Written better and true.
(Patricia O'Brian)
The father-of-my-children read this and answered that I was such a Pollyanna, and that this scenario would never happen in our family if we divorced. He was quite emphatic about this and added it to his harangue of threats towards me. (Those threats made it so easy for me to finally walk away from him with assurance because Heavenly Father was showing me his true, unrepentant, addictive heart.)
It has been four years since we separated, 1 1/2 since divorce, and I realize it takes two to create a loving, shared history for our posterity. I have every expectation and a clear vision of our family getting there some day; it's just the right thing to do for our children and as disciples of Christ.
CHEERIOS
My five-year-old granddaughter was sitting across the kitchen table from me one bright Sunday morning several years ago, digging into a bowl of CHeerios while I read the paper.
Suddenly she said, "Grandma, you're married to Grandpa Frank, right?"
"Yes, Megan," I said
"But you used to be married to Grandpa John, right?"
I braced myself. Here we go, I thought. The grandchildren are beginning to puzzle over why they have multiple sets of grandparents, and I'm going to have to explain what divorce is all about. "Yes, Megan."
Eyes thoughtful, she slowly began spooning in more Cheerios. "You used to be married to Grandpa John, and now you are married to Grandpa Frank..." She paused and nailed me with her eyes. "But you still love Grandpa John, right?"
I hadn't expected this, and I realized I had a millisecond to reassure this child that the world of divorce and remarriage, with all its anger and hurt, did not threaten her small circle of loved people. "Yes, Megan," I said. She let out a sigh of relief and dug back into the Cheerios. Her world was whole.
That evening , I reported the exchange to my husband: how a simple declaration of love had given this grandchild a feeling of safety that my ex-husband and I had been unable to give to our children. Our divorce had left our daughters for some time with divided loyalties, guilt and plenty of residual anger. They had survived and flourished, but why should the grandchildren be forced to pledge allegiance to the same grievances? Wasn't there a point where the enmity could be put to rest? "Who cares anymore who was right or who was wrong?"
He agreed. Soon after that, I talked to my ex-husband and his wife, and the four of us found ourselves agreeing on one bedrock commitment: to give the gift of completeness to our grandchildren. Our story was old news- we had the chance to live a new, better one.
Since then we've shared most family holidays, often in my ex-husband's converted Wisconsin barn. We've wrapped gifts together; taken the kids to the fireworks together; washed dishes together. We're happily remarried to spouses we love and if anyone asked if either he or I pined for the other, I'd have to say, "not in this lifetime or any other."
So was my answer to Megan truthful?
It was. My ex and I could let go of our old disappointments. The reward? Something huge- a chance to give our grandchildren the gift of a shared history. It's their family story now. Written better and true.
(Patricia O'Brian)
The father-of-my-children read this and answered that I was such a Pollyanna, and that this scenario would never happen in our family if we divorced. He was quite emphatic about this and added it to his harangue of threats towards me. (Those threats made it so easy for me to finally walk away from him with assurance because Heavenly Father was showing me his true, unrepentant, addictive heart.)
It has been four years since we separated, 1 1/2 since divorce, and I realize it takes two to create a loving, shared history for our posterity. I have every expectation and a clear vision of our family getting there some day; it's just the right thing to do for our children and as disciples of Christ.
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