Divorce

I have 3 dear friends who are separated and planning to divorce. Two are young mothers with children, one is a grandmother of 10.

To them and others I would say:

  1. You will absolutely be supported by your siblings. They will always be there for you to listen, advise, cry with and believe in you. It will be difficult to discuss all the events which have brought you to this decision.
Thank God every day for your loving and supportive family.

  2. Your parents will love you and be on your side unconditionally. It will be impossible to vocalize to them your experiences (if sexual misconduct is involved); partly out of shame and partly out of protecting your spouse. Listen to their advice if you are lucky enough to have them in your life.

  3. Your children will have a hard time. They do not like change and their lives will be disrupted; the family dynamic will never be the same but you have probably lived a lie for many years as you tried to 'keep it together for the kids'. They will spend time alone with their father who, if unrepentant, will portray himself as the victim and you as unforgiving, unmerciful, uncharitable and the cause of the family being torn apart. If he is repentant, he will take full responsibility and make certain the children know his actions were the cause of the divorce; he will build you up in the children's eyes and never try to discredit you as a wife or mother. This will go a long way in promoting healing and unity going forward. Whether your children are 6 or 36 they will not understand your decision or listen to the spiritual confirmations you have received in this most difficult decision. If you are wise, you will not give in to the temptation to justify yourself by sharing negative aspects of their father. It is common for children to side with the poor, unhealthy parent (who will continue to reap what he has sown- a hard, lonely life) so be prepared for their anger towards you.
You are their mother who gave them life and have already sacrificed much for them; loving them enough to return silence and love for their anger is just another sacrifice you can make for their well-being. 
"Pray for the strength to walk the high road, which at times may be lonely but which will lead to peace and happiness and joy supernal."
GBHinckley, May 2004 Ensign 

  4. At church there will be true saints who have learned to follow Christ in word and deed; these will refuse to judge you or label you. They will accept your decision with sadness but love and support you. You will be invited into their homes where they will feed you, listen to you, socialize with you.
Be thankful for these angels in your life.
 There will be others at church who will judge your situation without knowing all the facts; they will lecture you about the atonement & forgiveness, share talks and quotes about the selfishness of divorce, try to make you feel guilty and add further grief and pain to your already difficult situation.
Pray for them; they know not what they do. 


  5. Your neighbors and co-workers will be sorry for your situation but treat divorce as no big deal.

  6. Your Bishop will (hopefully) tell you to wait a year and let time confirm the rightness (or wrongness)of your decision. He will give you priesthood blessings and confirm Heavenly Father's love for you as a beloved and valiant daughter. Unlike me, I hope you will tell him everything you have experienced at the hands of your spouse. It is excruciatingly difficult, embarrassing, shameful to vocalize these things but you will heal more thoroughly and quickly if you can do this. He can not be the 'judge in Israel' without the true facts. You will worry about burdening him (he is so innocent) with gross conduct but do it. I wish I had.

  7.  If he is emotionally unhealthy, the father-of-your-children will talk to your children and portray himself as the victim and you as the judgmental and unforgiving woman. If you are wise you will try at all costs to take the high road and not speak ill of him. He can have their ears for a while but, eventually, you living a life of love and service to them and others will speak much more loudly than playing 'he-said, she-said'. If he is healthy, he will speak only the good and continue to treat you with loving concern and consideration. (Haven't seen a whole lot of these but my dear friend still socializes and travels with the father of her children...so it IS possible.)


8.You will be amazed at the people, ideas, books, situations that will come in to your life to reconfirm the decision the Holy Ghost has already given you. You will feel gratitude and joy at life and receive a special endowment of love (charity)for everyone. You will be protected financially, spiritually, physically and emotionally when you are acting under the influence of the Spirit and your life is aligned with God's will. These will be the hardest years of your life and also the most rewarding because you will come to know God and His son Jesus Christ...not just know about them...but know they are real and sincerely interested in you and your well-being.

What Shall We Say?

Part of the Law of the Gospel is contained in D&C 42.
Verse 22: love thy wife with all thy heart and cleave unto her and none else.
verse 25: he that committed adultery and repents with all his heart AND DOETH IT NO MORE, thou shalt forgive
verse 26: But if he doeth it again, he shall not be forgiven.

Now the interesting part: the next verse (27)says "Thou shalt not speak evil of thy neighbor, nor do him any harm"
Why is that verse there? Is it tagged on to the preceding verses or a new thought?

I was thinking today it is a tag for me and a confirmation to not speak out about the father of my children. What good could ever come from sharing info about him with anyone? I have had someone tell me that his 'getting away with it/kids living with deception' is actually more damning to him because it prolongs his repentance. That is HIS problem not mine; I am done with trying to protect him. His future and standing with God is in his hands not mine.

I have become weary during this election season with the negativity and whining of certain candidates. I want to hear what your positive ideas are; how you can move us forward, not whining about the past actions of someone else.

I notice the same thing in communications with divorced people;it is a red flag to me when I hear the blame game creep into conversations. I do the same thing in my head (and aloud sometimes too, unfortunately). It is not attractive, it is not comfortable, it does not bring peace and I want to overcome the tendency to do it. I think the motivation for this weakness is the pain of being victimized or hurt. I want to feel justified in holding on to and nursing my 'wound'. "I am divorced but it is not my fault; it's somebody else's fault".

I've been re-reading a favorite self-help book, Prescriptions For Living and the author has advice for getting over loss and violation. He was burglarized and for a long time he was angry about the loss until he realized the burglar was still in charge of his thoughts and thus his life. The burglary was not the problem, his thoughts and dwelling on the event was what was causing him pain. He decided to change his thoughts by telling himself that the burglar sold his stuff in order to buy Christmas presents for his own family. It doesn't matter if it is true, it is how he thinks about the situation and this thought brings him peace.

I pondered this and actually prayed for days about how to wrap my little brain around this idea; how could I apply it to my own situation? God is there and He sent me a thought the other day: I will think that my children already know about their dad's problems and that it's O.K., they aren't condemning me; now we can all go on and live a happy life. More importantly, God knows about the situation and has blessed me in every way to be able to overcome it and go forward with a joyful life; whose acceptance do I really care about?

My daily goal is charity; looking upon each of our Father's children as He looks at them. I want to be in the building up and loving business every day. I pray for those lips that never speak guile but are busy speaking and acting on the loving thoughts of my heart.

Growth

I returned to the same beach yesterday that I fled to almost exactly four years ago after my breakdown over discovered further infidelities. I hadn't been to this beach since that day but I was ready for it. My friend told me how much growth she has seen in me over the past four years- she has seen me through the highs, the lows, the lack of support (financial as well as emotional), the court appearances, calls and releases, my travels/adventures; trying to cope with unhappy/illogical people...through it all she has been there for me. So if she says I have come a long way, I had to revisit the beach and reflect for myself on how far I have come.

What stands out to me is the testimony I have received that God's love is real. I have never felt so close to Him and been led by Him and been protected by Him in every way (physically, spiritually, financially, emotionally) as I have the past four years. I have always loved the scriptures but I only knew about God (the Sunday school answers)whereas now I know God. The pain and suffering of adversity was an excellent school master for me and I would not trade it for anything. That Orson F.Whitney quote has been realized as eternal truth by me: “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. All that we suffer … builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God … and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven …”

Learning to hold my tongue has been the greatest struggle. I know people in my personal life (as well as this forum)have wanted me to tell my children exactly why I got a divorce. I love my children more than any feeling of disgust, revulsion or revenge I have for their father. The hurtful, judgmental comments of my children over the past four years have sorely tempted me to lash out and tell them just what kind of husband their father actually was but I read about Jesus with those who falsely accused and condemned Him; he answered them not a word. That is the example I will continue to follow. I hear my children say "so and so has a lot worse marriage than my mom did and she is not getting a divorce" and I just smile. (I really have come a long way because I used to have to bite my lip or tongue to the point of blood and then smile...now I can just let it go and smile)

I must express gratitude for the life-experiences which have brought me to this level of testimony. I have a lively hope born of my faith in Christ that Heavenly Father loves me; He spoke to me on the beach four years ago; He has directed my feet in every way through separation,divorce and the joyful life I live today; He has continued to speak to me, giving me assurance that I am on the path which will result in personal sanctification and eventual exaltation with one of His righteous sons.

I wish I was at the side of a righteous companion today but if not... I find joy in my posterity and going "to the rescue" of whoever the Lord sends me. That results in the greatest growth of all.

It Takes Two

It is always comforting to have books, articles, people come into your life at just the right moment in answer to heartfelt prayer. I saw this article in Good Housekeeping July 2009 and shared it with the father-of-my-children when we had been separated for about a year and a half.

CHEERIOS
My five-year-old granddaughter was sitting across the kitchen table from me one bright Sunday morning several years ago, digging into a bowl of CHeerios while I read the paper.
Suddenly she said, "Grandma, you're married to Grandpa Frank, right?"
"Yes, Megan," I said
"But you used to be married to Grandpa John, right?"
I braced myself. Here we go, I thought. The grandchildren are beginning to puzzle over why they have multiple sets of grandparents, and I'm going to have to explain what divorce is all about. "Yes, Megan."
Eyes thoughtful, she slowly began spooning in more Cheerios. "You used to be married to Grandpa John, and now you are married to Grandpa Frank..." She paused and nailed me with her eyes. "But you still love Grandpa John, right?"
I hadn't expected this, and I realized I had a millisecond to reassure this child that the world of divorce and remarriage, with all its anger and hurt, did not threaten her small circle of loved people. "Yes, Megan," I said. She let out a sigh of relief and dug back into the Cheerios. Her world was whole.
That evening , I reported the exchange to my husband: how a simple declaration of love had given this grandchild a feeling of safety that my ex-husband and I had been unable to give to our children. Our divorce had left our daughters for some time with divided loyalties, guilt and plenty of residual anger. They had survived and flourished, but why should the grandchildren be forced to pledge allegiance to the same grievances? Wasn't there a point where the enmity could be put to rest? "Who cares anymore who was right or who was wrong?"
He agreed. Soon after that, I talked to my ex-husband and his wife, and the four of us found ourselves agreeing on one bedrock commitment: to give the gift of completeness to our grandchildren. Our story was old news- we had the chance to live a new, better one.
Since then we've shared most family holidays, often in my ex-husband's converted Wisconsin barn. We've wrapped gifts together; taken the kids to the fireworks together; washed dishes together. We're happily remarried to spouses we love and if anyone asked if either he or I pined for the other, I'd have to say, "not in this lifetime or any other."
So was my answer to Megan truthful?
It was. My ex and I could let go of our old disappointments. The reward? Something huge- a chance to give our grandchildren the gift of a shared history. It's their family story now. Written better and true.
(Patricia O'Brian)

The father-of-my-children read this and answered that I was such a Pollyanna, and that this scenario would never happen in our family if we divorced. He was quite emphatic about this and added it to his harangue of threats towards me. (Those threats made it so easy for me to finally walk away from him with assurance because Heavenly Father was showing me his true, unrepentant, addictive heart.)

It has been four years since we separated, 1 1/2 since divorce, and I realize it takes two to create a loving, shared history for our posterity. I have every expectation and a clear vision of our family getting there some day; it's just the right thing to do for our children and as disciples of Christ.

Miracles

I received this Christmas letter last week and must share it with everyone:

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle" Albert Einstein

Most of us think of miracles as big events of unusual circumstances. That may well define some miracles, but others occur in our daily lives as we are challenged to cope with life as it is. Our personal miracles come in harmony with our decision to cope well with the unexpected.

Longfellow believed the situations that call upon our coping skills are "celestial benedictions" in disguise, sent not to try our souls but to enlarge them. Every time we cope well we have made another personal deposit of confidence, creativity and courage - we have added to our reserve and strengthened our character.

We believe in miracles because we have seen them in your lives as well as our own. There are those with the heaviest burdens who still brighten our day. There are those who have given up much but still manage to express their gratitude. There are some amazing people around us who teach us with their strength, courage and resilience. These are the people whose miracles inspire us!

Ruling

Check out the footnote for Matthew 2:6d. The Greek for 'rule' is tend, protect, nurture.

Go back and plug that into Genesis 3:16 or Moses 4:22 (thy husband shall rule over thee) and 1 Timothy3:4,5,12 (one that ruleth well his own house). Find other places in the scriptures that mention rule or ruling. I love this insight! Now we have three verbs to be trying liken to ourselves and implement instead of just one...
(RULE!!! sounds harsh)

The man (or woman) of God who is ruling over his wife, family or the church is tending, protecting and nurturing them. Great concept!

Thoughts on Virtue from BYU Magazine

"The abundance of life, the fullness of purpose and meaning are to be found in virtue- virtue that reflects and reaches for the godly virtue of the Savior Himself.
Virtue is the very purpose of life and the essence of our nature as children of God."

Virtue is to be for others- to act in their best interests, and to have a heart of compassion and charity turned outwards. When we are being virtuous, we exhibit specific characteristics...we invite and entice one another to be virtuous: being compassionately persuasive,gentle, meek and kind- in a spirit of charity, of love, of patience. It is in this way of being that we show ourselves and to others who we are and who we should be. This is what life is really like as we moment by moment put off the natural man. Our attempts must begin in the hearts of individuals.

Virtue is about strength, goodness and excellence- about what we do and how we do it. The example of the virtuous woman in Proverbs 31: She seeketh,worketh, bringeth, riseth, giveth, considereth, planteth, girdeth, strengtheneth, perceiveth, stretcheth, reacheth, maketh, selleth, and delivereth. Only one thing she doesn't do: she does not fear. I think it is because it never occurs to one who seeks, rises works, gives and all the rest- to be afraid. What she doesn't do is merely the by-product of what she does do.