My divorce was finalized this week. It was a difficult 28 months; it was a wonderful 28 months. I have learned so much about forgiveness, mercy, and charity that I have to be grateful for the tutoring God has given me. I've been made aware of many of my own personal weaknesses which has been a tremendous opportunity for me to repent and strive for sanctification. I can't tell you how many times Heavenly Father has protected me throughout these months (physically, financially, spiritually, emotionally); I've never felt closer to Him and seen His hand guiding me day in and day out (and through some tearful nights). I have agonized over my fears, seen many of them realized and then received an assurance that my faith in Christ - the life I have been living- will always overcome those fears (which come from the 'enemy of my soul').With all of these assurances, why do I still feel such pain at the rejection?
I understand that a civil divorce (like a civil marriage) has no effect on the sealing power of our temple ordinances; only sin will nullify that power. All the blessings of the ordinances of the temple are conditioned on individual faithfulness. We will enjoy eternal family relationships if we have incorporated charity into our natures. I've read and reread President Eyring's words in To Draw Closer To God and I know that we did not come to this earth to be loved but to give love and service to others. To be on the Lord's errand throughout our lives is such a lofty goal, one I strive to accomplish every day, but I have those moments when I wish there was someone who could love me.
I considered it a huge blessing that I was able to "let time confirm to me the rightness or wrongness of my decision" (as my bishop counseled me). People would say, "Oh, he's just dragging it out because he wants you back." He never told me he wanted me, which made those comments even more hurtful. In every encounter, the indifference was always there. I told my sister it would have made it so much more difficult if he had ever cried or said he wanted to be together.Instead, his behavior has reaffirmed to me where his heart is...and it has not been with me for many, many years. Will there be someone who will see anything worthwhile in me?
President Hinckley said,"Some men are enslaved in their own foolishness. They throw to the wind the most sacred and solemn of covenants they will ever make. They set aside their wives who have been faithful, who have loved and cared for them, who have struggled with them in times of poverty only to be discarded in times of affluence...often employing every kind of artifice to avoid payment of alimony." I have never felt antipathy for him; I actually feel like I am still his best friend/supporter. (Is that ridiculous?) I never expected him to make an issue about alimony. I was heartsick and took it too personally when he did. To quote President HInckley once again (recounting in General Priesthood Meeting a letter he received from a woman): "All I ever wanted was to feel cherished... please warn the brethren: pornography has the effect of damaging hearts and souls to their very depths, strangling the life out of relationships that should be sacred, hurting to the very core those you should love the most." (October conference, 2004)
In reading that talk again, I see that pesky "should". Feeling that people "should" love you and care about you sets you up for the fall doesn't it? I guess the most we can do is hope for the love and service we give to be reciprocated some day. I have been called a Pollyanna most of my life and I pray to be able to live up to it.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Charity, Take Ten
I haven't posted for a while. I've been through some emotional days/weeks/months. Sometimes I wondered how I could go on one more day but then someone would call or I would have an opportunity to serve someone else or I would open the scriptures and hear the Lord's voice talking directly to me so I went on one more day.
I have prayed so fervently for charity the past two years. What I receive is more opportunities to test, try, and prove to myself that I am making progress; that I can "walk the talk". Sheri Dew said, "Charity is not an emotion or action. It is not something we feel or do. Charity is who the Savior is. It is his most defining and dominant attribute. It is what enabled him to endure the cross. It is one of the things that make him God. When we plead for charity, we aren't asking for lovely feelings toward someone who bugs us or has wounded us. We are actually pleading for our very natures to be changed, for our character and disposition to become more like the Savior's so that we literally feel as He would feel and thus do what He would do."
If Life Were Easy, It Would Not Be Hard
Charity is the greatest of all the spiritual gifts. It is the most important attribute we need to incorporate. There is no eternal life without it. When I think I have understood it a little bit better and made some gains (knocking off some rough edges), along comes another misstep. It will be a lifelong pursuit, to be sure, so I will continue to plead for it which means I will continue to have opportunities to demonstrate whether it is a doctrine just in my head or whether it has truly penetrated the fleshy areas of my heart.
It, also, is a process not an event.
I have prayed so fervently for charity the past two years. What I receive is more opportunities to test, try, and prove to myself that I am making progress; that I can "walk the talk". Sheri Dew said, "Charity is not an emotion or action. It is not something we feel or do. Charity is who the Savior is. It is his most defining and dominant attribute. It is what enabled him to endure the cross. It is one of the things that make him God. When we plead for charity, we aren't asking for lovely feelings toward someone who bugs us or has wounded us. We are actually pleading for our very natures to be changed, for our character and disposition to become more like the Savior's so that we literally feel as He would feel and thus do what He would do."
If Life Were Easy, It Would Not Be Hard
Charity is the greatest of all the spiritual gifts. It is the most important attribute we need to incorporate. There is no eternal life without it. When I think I have understood it a little bit better and made some gains (knocking off some rough edges), along comes another misstep. It will be a lifelong pursuit, to be sure, so I will continue to plead for it which means I will continue to have opportunities to demonstrate whether it is a doctrine just in my head or whether it has truly penetrated the fleshy areas of my heart.
It, also, is a process not an event.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Peace
The Savior said, "My peace I leave with you..." We are entitled to that peace when we follow Him. Here are some excerpts from a talk by Elder Marvin J. Ashton.
"When sorrow, tragedy, and heartbreaks occur in our lives, wouldn’t it be comforting if when the whisperings of God say, “Do you know why this has happened to you?” we could have the peace of mind to answer “No, but you do.”
Certainly peace is the opposite of fear. Peace is a blessing that comes to those who trust in God. It is established through individual righteousness. True personal peace comes about through eternal vigilance and constant righteous efforts. No man can be at peace who is untrue to his better self. No man can have lasting peace who is living a lie. Peace can never come to the transgressor of the law. Commitment to God’s laws is the basis for peace. Peace is something we earn. It is not a gift. Rather, it is a possession earned by those who love God and work to achieve the blessings of peace. It is not a written document. It is something that must come from within.
Never will peace and hatred be able to abide in the same soul. Permanent peace will elude those individuals or groups whose objective is to condemn, discredit, rail at, or tear down those whose beliefs are different from their own. These people live by hatred and would destroy others insofar as it is in their power to do so. True Christians have no time for contention. Lasting peace cannot be built while we are reviling or hating others. Those who preach hate, ridicule, and untruths cannot be classified as peacemakers. Until they repent they will reap the harvest to which those engaged in the business of hatred are entitled. Feelings of enmity and malice can never be compatible with feelings of peace.
However, only those at peace can properly cope with accusations and slander. Inner peace is the prized possession of God’s valiant. A testimony of the truthfulness of the teachings of our Savior gives personal peace in times of adversity.
True peace must not be dependent upon conditions or happenings. Peace must stem from an inward contentment built upon trust, faith, and goodwill toward God, fellowmen, and self. It must be constantly nurtured by the individual who is soundly anchored to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Only then can a person realize that the trials and tribulations of daily life are less important than God’s total goodness.
Lasting peace is an eternal personal quest. Peace comes from obedience to the law. Peace comes to those who develop character and trust.
No peace will be lasting unless it is built upon the solid foundation of eternal principles such as love of God, love of neighbor, and love of self. Those who love their neighbors can bring peace and happiness to many. Love can build bridges to understanding and tear down walls of suspicion and hate. Christlike love can bring peace into any neighborhood. With that kind of love each of us can help resolve petty differences, be they in the home or community.
When we properly blend into our lives true principles of love, honesty, respect, character, faith, and patience, peace will become our priceless possession. Peace is a triumph of correct principles.
None of us will avoid the storms of life. The winds and the waves will periodically interfere with our chosen course. The laws of the gospel can bring us back on course and guide us to peaceful waters."
As with all the principles we discuss in this forum, I hope we can experiment on this word (our quest for peace)also and enjoy the fruit that comes with living the above-mentioned TRUE principles.
Why would we choose to continue to suffer and let others control our happiness when the truth can and will literally set us free?
"When sorrow, tragedy, and heartbreaks occur in our lives, wouldn’t it be comforting if when the whisperings of God say, “Do you know why this has happened to you?” we could have the peace of mind to answer “No, but you do.”
Certainly peace is the opposite of fear. Peace is a blessing that comes to those who trust in God. It is established through individual righteousness. True personal peace comes about through eternal vigilance and constant righteous efforts. No man can be at peace who is untrue to his better self. No man can have lasting peace who is living a lie. Peace can never come to the transgressor of the law. Commitment to God’s laws is the basis for peace. Peace is something we earn. It is not a gift. Rather, it is a possession earned by those who love God and work to achieve the blessings of peace. It is not a written document. It is something that must come from within.
Never will peace and hatred be able to abide in the same soul. Permanent peace will elude those individuals or groups whose objective is to condemn, discredit, rail at, or tear down those whose beliefs are different from their own. These people live by hatred and would destroy others insofar as it is in their power to do so. True Christians have no time for contention. Lasting peace cannot be built while we are reviling or hating others. Those who preach hate, ridicule, and untruths cannot be classified as peacemakers. Until they repent they will reap the harvest to which those engaged in the business of hatred are entitled. Feelings of enmity and malice can never be compatible with feelings of peace.
However, only those at peace can properly cope with accusations and slander. Inner peace is the prized possession of God’s valiant. A testimony of the truthfulness of the teachings of our Savior gives personal peace in times of adversity.
True peace must not be dependent upon conditions or happenings. Peace must stem from an inward contentment built upon trust, faith, and goodwill toward God, fellowmen, and self. It must be constantly nurtured by the individual who is soundly anchored to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Only then can a person realize that the trials and tribulations of daily life are less important than God’s total goodness.
Lasting peace is an eternal personal quest. Peace comes from obedience to the law. Peace comes to those who develop character and trust.
No peace will be lasting unless it is built upon the solid foundation of eternal principles such as love of God, love of neighbor, and love of self. Those who love their neighbors can bring peace and happiness to many. Love can build bridges to understanding and tear down walls of suspicion and hate. Christlike love can bring peace into any neighborhood. With that kind of love each of us can help resolve petty differences, be they in the home or community.
When we properly blend into our lives true principles of love, honesty, respect, character, faith, and patience, peace will become our priceless possession. Peace is a triumph of correct principles.
None of us will avoid the storms of life. The winds and the waves will periodically interfere with our chosen course. The laws of the gospel can bring us back on course and guide us to peaceful waters."
As with all the principles we discuss in this forum, I hope we can experiment on this word (our quest for peace)also and enjoy the fruit that comes with living the above-mentioned TRUE principles.
Why would we choose to continue to suffer and let others control our happiness when the truth can and will literally set us free?
Friday, February 12, 2010
A Way To Judge
I was reading a book last night (Family History) about a family in crisis. One comment the mother made is that she felt other people were judging her (and needing to place blame) because it gave them comfort; it had to be someone's fault, it couldn't just be random because then they, too, could be subject to this type of family tragedy.
It is agonizing to make the decision to finally say, "Enough is enough". There are so many voices out there (not to mention the negative chatterbox in your head which promotes fear)trying to influence you. Realize, once and for all, that no one has the right to formulate an opinion and then pass judgment on you for your decision. You can and will receive guidance from your Heavenly Father who loves you and knows you perfectly. I'm so thankful for the scriptures; I can testify I have heard the voice of the Lord speak to me through them in the most amazing, uncanny ways; just opening up randomly and reading has brought me to tears in wonder for His love for me and giving me just the guidance and assurance I needed. Go prayerfully to the scriptures every day!
Another of those 'packets of help' I received was a book by President Henry B.Eyring, To Draw Closer To God. It is difficult to discern the truth when dealing with someone who has been living in lies and deceit for so many years. They tell one group of people one thing and tell you something else. President Eyring talked about an experience he had as a Bishop with a young man who wanted to know if he had truly repented and been forgiven of his grievous sin. This Bishop approached Elder Spencer W. Kimball for guidance:
"I thought Elder Kimball would talk about fasting or prayer or listening for the still, small voice. But he surprised me. Instead he said, "Tell me something about the young man." Then he began a series of the most simple questions, such as: Does he come to Priesthood meetings? Does he come early? Does he sit toward the front? Does he home teach? Does he go early in the month? Does he go more than once? I can't remember all the questions but they were like that- little things, simple acts of obedience, of submission. And for each question I was surprised at my answers. Yes, he wasn't just at all his meetings: he was early; he was smiling; he was there not only with his whole heart, but with the broken heart of a little child, as he was every time the Lord asked anything of him. Elder Kimball looked at me and said, "There is your answer." Sufficiently humble. Stripped of pride. Stripped of envy. Never making a mock of his brother" (To Draw Closer To God,page 56-57).
This was such a revelation to me! It brought such clarity and assisted me in following through with my initial impressions. In this situation (and all situations), you are admonished to 'judge righteous judgment'. You are not condemning anyone; you are using the Lord's criteria to determine if you should 'stay or you should go'. You can judge a tree by the fruit it produces. Words can (and will) be used to manipulate but actions speak louder than words.
The most important thing to remember is that you alone are entitled to the discernment in determining your future. There will be difficulties as you move forward but there will also be peace and an assurance of God's love for you. Stay away from those who are uncharitable. Give them your love and forgiveness but surround yourself at this critical time with people who are emotionally healthy and spiritually strong. Get outside of yourself and your small family circle and serve others; there are so many people you can love. Give to those who have offended you what you want to receive: love and acceptance.
It is agonizing to make the decision to finally say, "Enough is enough". There are so many voices out there (not to mention the negative chatterbox in your head which promotes fear)trying to influence you. Realize, once and for all, that no one has the right to formulate an opinion and then pass judgment on you for your decision. You can and will receive guidance from your Heavenly Father who loves you and knows you perfectly. I'm so thankful for the scriptures; I can testify I have heard the voice of the Lord speak to me through them in the most amazing, uncanny ways; just opening up randomly and reading has brought me to tears in wonder for His love for me and giving me just the guidance and assurance I needed. Go prayerfully to the scriptures every day!
Another of those 'packets of help' I received was a book by President Henry B.Eyring, To Draw Closer To God. It is difficult to discern the truth when dealing with someone who has been living in lies and deceit for so many years. They tell one group of people one thing and tell you something else. President Eyring talked about an experience he had as a Bishop with a young man who wanted to know if he had truly repented and been forgiven of his grievous sin. This Bishop approached Elder Spencer W. Kimball for guidance:
"I thought Elder Kimball would talk about fasting or prayer or listening for the still, small voice. But he surprised me. Instead he said, "Tell me something about the young man." Then he began a series of the most simple questions, such as: Does he come to Priesthood meetings? Does he come early? Does he sit toward the front? Does he home teach? Does he go early in the month? Does he go more than once? I can't remember all the questions but they were like that- little things, simple acts of obedience, of submission. And for each question I was surprised at my answers. Yes, he wasn't just at all his meetings: he was early; he was smiling; he was there not only with his whole heart, but with the broken heart of a little child, as he was every time the Lord asked anything of him. Elder Kimball looked at me and said, "There is your answer." Sufficiently humble. Stripped of pride. Stripped of envy. Never making a mock of his brother" (To Draw Closer To God,page 56-57).
This was such a revelation to me! It brought such clarity and assisted me in following through with my initial impressions. In this situation (and all situations), you are admonished to 'judge righteous judgment'. You are not condemning anyone; you are using the Lord's criteria to determine if you should 'stay or you should go'. You can judge a tree by the fruit it produces. Words can (and will) be used to manipulate but actions speak louder than words.
The most important thing to remember is that you alone are entitled to the discernment in determining your future. There will be difficulties as you move forward but there will also be peace and an assurance of God's love for you. Stay away from those who are uncharitable. Give them your love and forgiveness but surround yourself at this critical time with people who are emotionally healthy and spiritually strong. Get outside of yourself and your small family circle and serve others; there are so many people you can love. Give to those who have offended you what you want to receive: love and acceptance.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
The Wicked Traditions of the Fathers
In Mosiah 10:12-17 you can discover the definition of the wicked traditions of the fathers. It is 1) feeling that you were WRONGED and 2) becoming WROTH over it
Isn't this exactly what we have been talking about with our grievance stories? We take offense at something someone has done (feel we were wronged) and then get angry about it and hold on to it for too long. In the Book of Mormon, it goes on for generations.
We have probably all been the recipient of false accusations and condemnation. The 'natural-man' reaction is to feel horribly wronged and then get really angry and possibly lash back at the offender. In the end, what does this really achieve? The offender feels justified in their attack because you are such a 'mean, angry person'. You feel miserable because it is impossible to have the Spirit with you when you are angry and attacking someone (mentally or verbally- because if you are thinking it, it will come out in your words and actions eventually).
President Hinckley lists HONESTY as one of the ten virtues which will heal our hearts and homes: "In our day, those found in dishonesty aren't put to death, but something within them dies. Character withers, self-respect vanishes, integrity dies." Can we keep this in mind and allow others to exercise their agency (to lie if they choose) and just feel pity for them?
He lists FORGIVENESS & MERCY as another virtue: "Hatred always fails and bitterness always destroys" Truly, hatred and bitterness ALWAYS destroys; it destroys our peace, it robs us of the Spirit, it always brings remorse of conscience.
Can we LET IT GO? Yes, you were wronged, but you can CHOOSE to not respond with anger. Choose to let it go; rely on the law of justice / the law of the harvest. My daughter reminds me that "Karma is a witch; what goes around always comes back around". I continually tell myself, "There is always an ultimate reaping of what we sow; Is this what I want to give myself...anger and bitterness? No! I want to receive mercy and forgiveness and kindness so that is what I send out mentally to those who offend me / lie about me / condemn me with their faulty perceptions and judgments.
Another of President Hinckley's virtues is OPTIMISM: "As we go through life, we accentuate the positive. I am asking that we look a little deeper for the good, that we still voices of insult and sarcasm, that we more generously compliment and endorse virtue and effort."
We can do it. We must do it. We have suffered enough already.
Isn't this exactly what we have been talking about with our grievance stories? We take offense at something someone has done (feel we were wronged) and then get angry about it and hold on to it for too long. In the Book of Mormon, it goes on for generations.
We have probably all been the recipient of false accusations and condemnation. The 'natural-man' reaction is to feel horribly wronged and then get really angry and possibly lash back at the offender. In the end, what does this really achieve? The offender feels justified in their attack because you are such a 'mean, angry person'. You feel miserable because it is impossible to have the Spirit with you when you are angry and attacking someone (mentally or verbally- because if you are thinking it, it will come out in your words and actions eventually).
President Hinckley lists HONESTY as one of the ten virtues which will heal our hearts and homes: "In our day, those found in dishonesty aren't put to death, but something within them dies. Character withers, self-respect vanishes, integrity dies." Can we keep this in mind and allow others to exercise their agency (to lie if they choose) and just feel pity for them?
He lists FORGIVENESS & MERCY as another virtue: "Hatred always fails and bitterness always destroys" Truly, hatred and bitterness ALWAYS destroys; it destroys our peace, it robs us of the Spirit, it always brings remorse of conscience.
Can we LET IT GO? Yes, you were wronged, but you can CHOOSE to not respond with anger. Choose to let it go; rely on the law of justice / the law of the harvest. My daughter reminds me that "Karma is a witch; what goes around always comes back around". I continually tell myself, "There is always an ultimate reaping of what we sow; Is this what I want to give myself...anger and bitterness? No! I want to receive mercy and forgiveness and kindness so that is what I send out mentally to those who offend me / lie about me / condemn me with their faulty perceptions and judgments.
Another of President Hinckley's virtues is OPTIMISM: "As we go through life, we accentuate the positive. I am asking that we look a little deeper for the good, that we still voices of insult and sarcasm, that we more generously compliment and endorse virtue and effort."
We can do it. We must do it. We have suffered enough already.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Comment on a comment
Anonymous asked a few posts back if I believe the 'mantra' will really make one a forgiving person. I don't know if your question is doubtful or hopeful but either way it's a good comment.
Forgiveness is for YOU. It is not something you give someone; you give it to yourself. I believe forgiveness is the feeling of peace you have because you are letting go of your grievance / grudge / anger / resentment. You are deciding you're done with blaming someone for how poorly you've been treated and how miserable you are. Forgiveness is you deciding to stop letting other people control you.
My experience with 'repeating the mantra' ("I hoped _____ would ______ but I acknowledge I have no control over the choices of other people. I choose to focus on beauty, gratitude and love.") is really similar to Alma 32 in the Book of Mormon. Alma compares the word (a teaching or a principle)to a seed. Planting (or experimenting on) the word on tithing; the word on love;the word on forgiveness or whatever, is the way to discern if it is a true or good seed.
Try it! Get the Forgive For Good book and exercise a particle of faith by experimenting on it. Pray for grace (that enabling power which is given to us through the atonement after all we can do). If you experience more frequent and longer periods of peace, you are truly becoming a forgiving person!
It doesn't matter what you decide to do about the relationship; becoming a forgiving and loving person begins to be 'delicious' to you. Then you will know (or have a testimony) that it is a good seed; that forgiveness is not only possible but preferable.
Forgiveness is for YOU. It is not something you give someone; you give it to yourself. I believe forgiveness is the feeling of peace you have because you are letting go of your grievance / grudge / anger / resentment. You are deciding you're done with blaming someone for how poorly you've been treated and how miserable you are. Forgiveness is you deciding to stop letting other people control you.
My experience with 'repeating the mantra' ("I hoped _____ would ______ but I acknowledge I have no control over the choices of other people. I choose to focus on beauty, gratitude and love.") is really similar to Alma 32 in the Book of Mormon. Alma compares the word (a teaching or a principle)to a seed. Planting (or experimenting on) the word on tithing; the word on love;the word on forgiveness or whatever, is the way to discern if it is a true or good seed.
Try it! Get the Forgive For Good book and exercise a particle of faith by experimenting on it. Pray for grace (that enabling power which is given to us through the atonement after all we can do). If you experience more frequent and longer periods of peace, you are truly becoming a forgiving person!
It doesn't matter what you decide to do about the relationship; becoming a forgiving and loving person begins to be 'delicious' to you. Then you will know (or have a testimony) that it is a good seed; that forgiveness is not only possible but preferable.
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