The Addictive Personality

An addictive personality is created when we believe that what we have is never enough and that looking outside ourselves for happiness will bring us comfort and relief. An addictive lifestyle is demonstrated by a constant quest for what Dr. Lee Jampolsky describes as the Four A's: Achieving (a certain status), Acquiring (some material possession), Approval (from some outside source), Accomplishing (some goal).
(see recommended reading).

Our society promotes the addictive personality at every turn: "If I was ______, I'd be happier", "If I could do ____, I would feel more worthwhile.", "If I had ______, I would be satisfied." You don't have to be an alcoholic or involved in porn to exhibit an addictive personality. I saw myself slip into these thoughts when I discovered my husband's involvement in porn but with the twist, "If I was ___________ he would be _________" or "If he would _______ everything would be O.K."

We have a natural tendency to adopt certain beliefs that we hope will enable us to avoid suffering and pain. We want to blame our unhappiness and frustration on something or someone else: "If _____ would do/stop doing _______, everything would be better."  With an addictive personality, the solution is outside ourselves. It is the 'situation' that is making or breaking my happiness and causing me suffering and pain so I will turn to ________ to feel better.

Once we recognize this faulty way of thinking, Elder Robert Hales April 2009 Conference  questions, "Can I afford it?" and "What is my motivation for it?" become relevant.
http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-1032-2,00.html
 Can I afford to keep thinking this way when these thoughts will lead me to an addictive lifestyle?
Why am I doing this? For appearances?To lessen the pain? To prove something?


When you blame another person for your unhappiness, consider that a red flag that it's time to look at yourself and admit that you alone have the ability to create your own happiness. Circumstances affect you only as you allow them to do so; the good or bad label you have attached is only in the way you think about the situation. This sounds simplistic but it is doctrinally sound and the foundation of all healing.

The habit of looking outside of yourself (to food, to your callings or your job, to your home or other material possessions, to drugs, to porn, to your children/grandchildren, to blaming others) to feel better is the beginning of an addictive personality.  I love the example of a righteous person's reaction to an uncomfortable revelation found in Mark 14:19: "Is it I?" Are you looking to one of the four A's for happiness? Are you blaming someone else for your unhappiness?

My healing began when I was able to
1)study and understand the addictive personality.At first I wanted to learn so I could understand why he was addicted to porn and justify myself. The more I studied , the more I saw myself being drawn into the downward spiraling cycle of addictive thoughts/actions: What happened must have been my fault; I'm not lovable;I can't be the person everyone wants me to be; I felt more fearful and hopeless. Instead of turning to a substance or porn, I began to exhibit defensive behavior and withdraw.

2) turn inward and examine my own attitudes/thoughts which were in error. All the books I was reading to defend myself became stepping stones to my own 'recovery'. Matthew 7:3-4 The mote and the beam. It's much more effective to look inward and focus on my own weaknesses instead of spinning my wheels by stewing about someone over whom I have no control. Spinning your wheels while you're in the mud only gets you stuck.

3) ask myself constantly, "Can I afford to continue this way of thinking?" We tell our children, "Remember who you are!" in the hope they will make good choices. That admonition means everything to me now as I strive to overcome my own addictive thoughts and behaviors. Remember you are a literal daughter of God with infinite value and worth. Remember He loves you and understands your anguish and sorrow. Remember His ultimate goal for you is sanctification (to be made holy) and eternal life. Remember you are endowed with power from on high to withstand every trial and come off conqueror.
You can not afford to think otherwise.

My focus in this blog will always be on my own journey to healing. I, hopefully, left the low-lying path of justifying myself and blaming others for a happier path on higher ground.