Preconditions to Forgiveness

Not that I am THERE but here are some ideas that have moved me along the path. These are taken from Forgive For Good by Luskin:

When you are hurt, you form a grievance; either something happened that you did not want to happen or something did not happen that you wanted to happen. The foundation for the grievance is your "unenforceable rules". These are all the "shoulds" you have created and are holding on to. He/I should have done this; he/I shouldn't have done that.When you try to enforce any of these "shoulds", you will feel frustrated, angry and helpless. If you are experiencing these feelings over a prolonged period of time, you are probably trying to enforce your 'rules' of correct behavior on someone and you have not realized yet that, in actual fact, you have no control over another human being's agency.

My friend holds up her palm to her face and points out, "This is the extent of my control over other people and their choices!"  When you can acknowledge and accept this, you can begin to think in terms of "hopes" instead of "shoulds". I hope that ____________ but I acknowledge that I can not control anyone's choices/behaviors except my own.

Forgiveness is a choice. It does not happen by accident. We have to make a conscious decision to forgive. We will not be able to forgive just because we are 'supposed to'. We can not be forced (by ourselves or others) to forgive. We did not form a grievance by accident; just because we were hurt does not mean we had to create a grievance. It was a choice and because it was a choice we also have the power to choose to get rid of it.

Forgiveness takes place by undoing each of the steps of the grievance process. You balance the personal nature of the hurt with the impersonal. Yes, you were hurt by ________ who did ________ but you are not the first person to have suffered in this manner. Then you take responsibility for how you feel. "I feel angry, betrayed etc" Lastly, you change the grievance story (blaming, replaying the hurt over and over) to a hero story where you become the hero instead of the victim.

1) Know what your feelings are about the hurt (they may change from day to day)

2) Be clear about the action that wronged you (not minimize or exaggerate)

3) Share your experience with one or two trusted people. (NOT the person who hurt you or family members who are unsympathetic) Tell how you feel and why what was done was not O.K. If you share this with more than a few trusted people, you might be sharing in order to denounce the offender and let everyone know how you have been victimized. Do you want to prolong feeling like a victim or do you want to feel better by moving past the offense?

When you have taken these three steps, you are ready to forgive.