Challenging Your Unenforcable Rules

Underneath your painful feelings of anger and hopelessness are the rules you are still trying to enforce...your'shoulds'. You can challenge those unenforceable rules by changing the way you think (as opposed to trying to change the other person).

Am I demanding that other people treat me better than they do?
Am I demanding my past be better than it was?
Am I demanding my life be easier than it is or turn out more fair than it has?

You can not change the past but you can HOPE and WORK for a better future. My application of this idea:

I took his addiction to porn too personally. I saw it as a rejection of me and a rejection of marriage/temple covenants of chastity and fidelity. A lot of people are involved in porn; initially it is a choice they make. I could not control his choices no matter how hard I tried or how badly I wanted to. I could not make him love me and be loyal to me. I am not the first, nor will I be the last person to get a divorce because of a spouses choices. When I settled down in my thinking (got past the anger), I realized he did not show the signs of wanting to change. Forgiveness, to me, means saying, "I hoped I would have a loving, loyal eternal companion but I acknowledge I can not control the choices of others." This enabled me to move forward continuing to live the principles of the gospel (including and especially charity; seeing God's children as He sees them) with HOPE for a faithful partner in the future.


As you practice challenging the way you think, you will gain control over how you feel. As you concentrate on the beauty in life, the love you feel for others, and express gratitude for all that you do have, the hurts and grievances have less power to disturb you. You have increased self-confidence. Your story shifts from attention on the hurt to your emerging power; from a grievance story where you are the victim to a hero story. Forgiveness means that you are in control. You may not be able to make your spouse love you or your children care about you but you can change the way you think about the situation and change the way you talk about the situation.

James Allen wrote: Shake off the delusion that you are being injured or oppressed by another, and try to realize that you are only really injured by what is within you. There is no practice more degrading and soul-destroying than that of self-pity. Cast it out from you. While such a canker is feeding upon your heart, you can never expect to grow into a fuller life.

It is sad when things don't turn out the way we hoped they would but there is a difference between sadness and hopelessness. The difference is whether you are holding on to those unenforceable rules-your 'shoulds'. LET THEM GO!