Now that the divorce if final I went through all my therapy journals of the past 2 1/2 years; I stayed up until 3a.m. reading everything before I trash them. I realized how stubborn I was (and actually still am). At every 12 step meeting, every meeting with my therapist, and just about every conversation with my parents and sisters, I was admonished to tell my children how I was feeling and why. I repeatedly stuck with my mantra that I was not going to talk about our personal relationship; that would be disloyal to him and why would I want to damage their relationship with their father? His sexual perversion had nothing to do with them; what child needs to deal with that baggage? I had lived for 35 years without ever talking about my personal situation to a friend, sibling, or parent; why start now? He told them only about his addiction to porn. I did talk to some of them about that situation.
The result of my silence has been a lot of accusations: of not having faith in the atonement (that someone could be healed);of not being such a great wife; of not being a great mother; of being unforgiving, unloving and unmerciful; of being the aggressor in the divorce proceedings. It was very difficult to keep silent or try to defend myself, but I believed that when you are doing what is right, you should not have to defend yourself; God knows and ultimately will bless me for my desire to protect the relationship with their father.
I did write a note to one of my sons last week and explain to him the time line of our marriage problems; no details, just the fact that the problems began in the 70's, worsened in the early 80's, continued through the 90's and I discovered the porn in 2003 culminating in 2008 with my nervous breakdown over his phone sex. I tried to point out that they have been hearing only one side since our separation. My biggest worry is the condemning judgment some of my children continue to harbor. I try to share my testimony about the absolute necessity of our internalizing charity if we ever hope to enjoy eternal family relationships. All they seem to see is me as the biggest hypocrite because I obviously have no charity or forgiveness for their father. (If they only knew the truth)
I wondered last week if I had messed everything up so badly by not talking to the children. Was I just stubborn and wrong? Would everything be better today if I had just played the 'he said, she said' game every time I heard about something he had told them? Did not talking to them make me appear guilty of his accusations? I returned from the temple Tuesday and continued to ponder and pray about this. That night I received the distinct impression that "it is never wrong to do the right thing". The right thing is to continue to demonstrate charity and loyalty to the father of my children by keeping silent. In the end, this will be the most powerful lesson I will ever teach them. At first I cried, was depressed and withdrew from them when I felt judged/condemned. Today, I have finally turned the corner; life is looking up because I realize the tremendous growth and strength that has come from living by gospel covenants and principles.
Choose the right,there is peace is righteous doing!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
8 comments:
David O. McKay defined spirituality as 'a consciousness of victory over self and commune with the infinite'. Each time you overcome the natural-man tendencies, you are demonstrating greater spirituality. Staying silent is difficult sometimes but you will be blessed in the end.
Why can't we all just get along? Why does there have to be a 'bad parent'. What would Jesus do? He suffered and bled and died so everyone can overcome their weaknesses, repent and be redeemed. Let us stop judging and start accepting each other.
An Education Week presenter said that children will often "side" with the unhealthy parent. That would be especially true if all they hear is the unhealthy parent's viewpoint.
Have you read Co-Dependent No More?
What you are doing is enabling an addict. With an addict, it is all about blaming someone else for their behavior. You have mistakenly thought you were being very righteous by being 'loyal' to your ex and never telling the truth about him to your children. What you actually are doing (and what you probably did throughout your marriage) is continuing to enable him to live his lie. Why does he need to take responsibility for his addiction and change when you are willing to let him blame you?
One of your readers suggested that book. Do yourself and your family a favor and read it.
Oh my. I'm going to have to rethink this. I guess I have prided myself on being 'loyal' to him by not talking about his problem but....
thank you for sharing this idea. I have heard it at every 12 step meeting, therapist etc (as I said) but this is really against what I have believed is the right thing to do my entire married and divorced life. ???????????
Well, I have spoken to a trusted friend who has experienced the same lifestyle in marriage (sex addiction) and she helped me use some hard honesty and acknowledge that my label of "loyalty" is actually hiding behind the shame associated with deviant sex. This is the primary reason for my being silent all my life. There are still very few people who I have shared the details of his deviancy with; not my parents, therapist, Bishop. I have wondered recently, "When will I be healed of dwelling on past experiences?" I've prayed and fasted that the atonement would heal me but I continue to think about 35 years of married life and the degradation. I really believe that Heavenly Father does hear and answer our prayers but it is often through another person...not a miraculous healing. He sent this friend to me and enabled me to face the truth. I feel shame. My spirit has been grieved for so many years. I'm not "loyal", I have been an enabler because of my own shame and inability to express to anyone my true feelings. I acknowledge this but still know I will never talk to my children about this; what would be the purpose? What possible good could come from sharing those details? But I hope that this realization will help me to move on to a healthy sexual relationship with a righteous man someday. But there is fear; I didn't listen to the Spirit (and friends and family) 39 years ago...what if I marry another guy who turns out to be a pervert?
I'm actually pretty content (usually) being single.
I have given birth to 5 children. I have nursed twins each time. When my first born grand daughter was born she was in serious danger of dehydration because she was not nursing (so, in turn, my daughter was not producing milk). When I suggested to my son in law that he needed to get the milk going, he looked at me like I had grown a third eye. I never in all those years realized (until then) that not all men wanted to nurse on their wives when the babies were born.
There are so many private details in our husband-wife relationship that we never would think to question until they get into porn and then bring those additional expectations into the bedroom.
Post a Comment