I haven't posted for a long while. A remarkable man came into my life in July 2012 and I have been focusing on a healthy US. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me because I am learning so much about myself; my actual self, not what someone tells me about myself. Like in scripture/gospel study, self-discovery through the Spirit is always the best way to learn the actual truth. It is a tremendous blessing to be loved by a man who treats me as a beloved daughter of God; not a perfect daughter but a daughter of infinite worth in healthy, virtuous ways. We have been dating for 18 months and I now realize I have only one regret in my whole life: going on a second date 42 years ago with a man who made me feel cheap ( an object of his lust). THIS is what dating, romance, love, intimacy is supposed to feel like! And there is nothing sexual about our relationship; we are a 'For the Strength of Youth' couple and we love it.
So, here I am... separated for six years, divorced for 3 1/2 of those years and absolutely loving life, loving family, loving friends, loving serving and loving this good man. 2014 might just be a new beginning for me.
;-)
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Intimacy
Notes from I can't recall where; they are just in my 2008 small plates (journals with musing and insight from speakers, books, thoughts).
"Addiction renders a relationship empty, joyless and demoralizing. The relationship is contingent on sexual performance."
Aspects of Intimacy
Initiative: calls, reaches out, risks expressions of care; invite others to share activities/ problems; takes responsibility to maintain relationship.
Presence: Emotionally available to others; listens and attends to others; explicit about reactions; spends time with others; notices what happens to others; accepts attention of others.
Completion: finishes things = builds trust; finalize arrangements with others; acknowledges care; works for closure on problems; responsible to others' needs and wants; expresses appreciation for completed efforts.
Vulnerability: shares process of thinking and feeling; talks about dilemmas; involves others in discussions; allows feedback; reveals self not shared with others; fears and sense of inadequacies shared with others.
Nurturing: cares for others; makes caring statements; empathizes with others pain; supportive and encouraging; offers suggestions; affirms value of others; does things for others when it does not diminish them in any way; touches others.
Honesty: claims positive and negative feelings; clear about priorities and values; specific about disagreements; provides feedback when asked; admits flaws and mistakes; is fully known to intimates.
These are the aspects of intimacy that contribute to a satisfying sexual relationship. Addicts believe intimacy = sex; the lack of these other aspects are what render the relationship so unfulfilled...what makes us feel cheap and used.
"Addiction renders a relationship empty, joyless and demoralizing. The relationship is contingent on sexual performance."
Aspects of Intimacy
Initiative: calls, reaches out, risks expressions of care; invite others to share activities/ problems; takes responsibility to maintain relationship.
Presence: Emotionally available to others; listens and attends to others; explicit about reactions; spends time with others; notices what happens to others; accepts attention of others.
Completion: finishes things = builds trust; finalize arrangements with others; acknowledges care; works for closure on problems; responsible to others' needs and wants; expresses appreciation for completed efforts.
Vulnerability: shares process of thinking and feeling; talks about dilemmas; involves others in discussions; allows feedback; reveals self not shared with others; fears and sense of inadequacies shared with others.
Nurturing: cares for others; makes caring statements; empathizes with others pain; supportive and encouraging; offers suggestions; affirms value of others; does things for others when it does not diminish them in any way; touches others.
Honesty: claims positive and negative feelings; clear about priorities and values; specific about disagreements; provides feedback when asked; admits flaws and mistakes; is fully known to intimates.
These are the aspects of intimacy that contribute to a satisfying sexual relationship. Addicts believe intimacy = sex; the lack of these other aspects are what render the relationship so unfulfilled...what makes us feel cheap and used.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Repentance
I took a class at BYU Education Week offered by a couple who are marriage and family therapists as well as leaders of a 12-Step Group for Addictions.
The 4 days were directed for family members of addicts and it focused on repentance; how do you know if a loved one has truly repented? It is an agonizing decision to have to make;when does the Lord say, "Enough is enough!" There are some in the church who say, "You never give up on a marriage or loved one." There are therapists that say even Jesus taught the prodigal had to hit rock bottom before he "came to himself" and turned his life around; sometimes divorce is the rock bottom, the natural and wise consequence of addiction. This couple did not promote divorce but were wise enough to assist those struggling with the effects of living with an addicted loved one by sharing their insights about how to determine if repentance is sincere.
I will share some of their insights as well as add teachings from the prophets (italicized) and my own comments.
The gospel of Jesus Christ challenges us to change. “Repent” is its most frequent message, and repenting means giving up all of our practices—personal, family, ethnic, and national—that are contrary to the commandments of God. The purpose of the gospel is to transform common creatures into celestial citizens, and that requires change. DH Oaks
We Must Recognize Our Sins To repent, we must admit to ourselves that we have sinned. If we do not admit this, we cannot repent. We cannot hide any act of our lives from ourselves or from the Lord. When someone has truly repented, there will not be the blame-game that most addicts go through; to an addict, it is always someone else's fault for their addiction. When an addict can take full responsibility for his addiction, he might be on the road to actual repentance.
We Must Feel Sorrow for Our Sins In addition to recognizing our sins, we must feel sincere sorrow for what we have done. We must feel that our sins are terrible. We must want to unload and abandon them. In what ways do you think “godly sorrow” is different from expressions of regret?
Again, like before, an addict will make excuses for himself: it isn't that bad what I do, others do far worse than me; I don't really need to go to the 12-step group, those guys are hard-core. A repentant person will acknowledge that any involvement in illicit behavior is an abomination before God. A client that has a healthy understanding of sorrow for sin is not beating himself with excessive recriminations but he is not minimalizing his addiction either.
We Must Forsake Our Sins Our sincere sorrow should lead us to forsake (stop) our sins. The Lord revealed to the Prophet Joseph Smith, “By this ye may know if a man repenteth of his sins—behold, he will confess them and forsake them”
Confessing is huge. There are clients who will gladly confess every time they 'slip' but their heart is not in the confession; it has become a game to play..."I confessed, you have to forgive me!" This is so hard. I agonize for you who are reading this with your own experiences with someone 'forsaking sin'.
We Must Confess Our Sins Confessing our sins is very important. The Lord has commanded us to confess our sins. The Lord has promised, “I, the Lord, forgive sins, and am merciful unto those who confess their sins with humble hearts” (D&C 61:2). Reuben J. Clark (of the First Presidency) said, "I would like to point out that to me there is a great difference between confession and admission after transgression is proved. I doubt much the efficacy of an admission as a confession" (April Conference 1950).
In my own personal experience, I never once in 35 years had a confession of wrongdoing; I always would (miraculously sometimes)discover and then confront the addict whose M.O. was deny, lie (outrageous lies), eventually admit, and then make excuses. This made it far easier for me to feel a confirmation in my own decision that "enough was enough".
We Must Make Restitution Part of repentance is to make restitution. This means that as much as possible we must make right any wrong that we have done.
One of the finest examples of restitution came from a client who, when his wife finally divorced him (after years of trying to deal with his addiction), took full responsibility for the divorce by telling his attorney that whatever his wife asked for in the settlement, he wanted her to have it. He wanted her to have their home; he provided generous support for her, never trying to get out of his responsibility for caring for her. There were many in the class who sighed and marveled that such a man existed. Whose heart would not be softened by such a man? But then again, for most of us, the opposite attitude is a reaffirmation that we have made the correct decision regarding divorce so we have to be thankful for each time they show their 'true colors'.
We Must Forgive Others A vital part of repentance is to forgive those who have sinned against us. The Lord will not forgive us unless our hearts are fully cleansed of all hate, bitterness, and bad feelings against other people.
An unrepentant addict will try to portray himself as "the victim"; will talk about the short comings of the spouse with children/others in an attempt to feel better about himself. A repentant person is thinking, speaking, acting with love towards others, especially the mother of his children (even if she divorced him). I met a man at a conference who talked about how he hated his wife who divorced him, and how his life is now so complicated with court appearances, visitation and support payments, loss of his home and former lifestyle 'because of her' (even though he was the one with an addiction). This is a huge red flag that this person has not repented and had a change of heart.
We Must Keep the Commandments of God To make our repentance complete we must keep the commandments of the Lord (see D&C 1:32).. If we do not pray and are unkind to others, we are surely not repentant. When we repent, our life changes. Repentance is more than simply acknowledging wrongdoings. It is a change of mind and heart. It includes turning away from sin and turning to God for forgiveness. It is motivated by love for God and the sincere desire to obey His commandments. FSYouth
For most, repentance is more a journey than a one-time event. It is not easy. To change is difficult. It requires running into the wind, swimming upstream. Jesus said, “If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross and follow me.” Repentance is turning away from some things, such as dishonesty, pride, anger, and impure thoughts, and turning toward other things, such as kindness, unselfishness, patience, and spirituality. It is “re-turning” toward God. As we honestly confess our sins, restore what we can to the offended, and forsake our sins by keeping the commandments, we are in the process of receiving forgiveness. NL Anderson
This is the easiest and hardest thing to deal with. Easy to know when they are 'off the wagon' but hard to make the final decision to walk away. Sister Beck visited our region and answered a sister's question about leaving an addicted spouse. She said, "You need to remember you are a beloved daughter of God. He wants what is best for you. You must set boundaries with the spouse and if those are crossed, you walk away." I wondered, " How many times (years) do you let the boundaries get crossed before you truly walk away?" For me, a nervous breakdown finally let me hear God's voice, "This is over."
The gospel of Jesus Christ challenges us to change. “Repent” is its most frequent message, and repenting means giving up all of our practices—personal, family, ethnic, and national—that are contrary to the commandments of God. The purpose of the gospel is to transform common creatures into celestial citizens, and that requires change. DH Oaks
We Must Recognize Our Sins To repent, we must admit to ourselves that we have sinned. If we do not admit this, we cannot repent. We cannot hide any act of our lives from ourselves or from the Lord. When someone has truly repented, there will not be the blame-game that most addicts go through; to an addict, it is always someone else's fault for their addiction. When an addict can take full responsibility for his addiction, he might be on the road to actual repentance.
We Must Feel Sorrow for Our Sins In addition to recognizing our sins, we must feel sincere sorrow for what we have done. We must feel that our sins are terrible. We must want to unload and abandon them. In what ways do you think “godly sorrow” is different from expressions of regret?
Again, like before, an addict will make excuses for himself: it isn't that bad what I do, others do far worse than me; I don't really need to go to the 12-step group, those guys are hard-core. A repentant person will acknowledge that any involvement in illicit behavior is an abomination before God. A client that has a healthy understanding of sorrow for sin is not beating himself with excessive recriminations but he is not minimalizing his addiction either.
We Must Forsake Our Sins Our sincere sorrow should lead us to forsake (stop) our sins. The Lord revealed to the Prophet Joseph Smith, “By this ye may know if a man repenteth of his sins—behold, he will confess them and forsake them”
Confessing is huge. There are clients who will gladly confess every time they 'slip' but their heart is not in the confession; it has become a game to play..."I confessed, you have to forgive me!" This is so hard. I agonize for you who are reading this with your own experiences with someone 'forsaking sin'.
We Must Confess Our Sins Confessing our sins is very important. The Lord has commanded us to confess our sins. The Lord has promised, “I, the Lord, forgive sins, and am merciful unto those who confess their sins with humble hearts” (D&C 61:2). Reuben J. Clark (of the First Presidency) said, "I would like to point out that to me there is a great difference between confession and admission after transgression is proved. I doubt much the efficacy of an admission as a confession" (April Conference 1950).
In my own personal experience, I never once in 35 years had a confession of wrongdoing; I always would (miraculously sometimes)discover and then confront the addict whose M.O. was deny, lie (outrageous lies), eventually admit, and then make excuses. This made it far easier for me to feel a confirmation in my own decision that "enough was enough".
We Must Make Restitution Part of repentance is to make restitution. This means that as much as possible we must make right any wrong that we have done.
One of the finest examples of restitution came from a client who, when his wife finally divorced him (after years of trying to deal with his addiction), took full responsibility for the divorce by telling his attorney that whatever his wife asked for in the settlement, he wanted her to have it. He wanted her to have their home; he provided generous support for her, never trying to get out of his responsibility for caring for her. There were many in the class who sighed and marveled that such a man existed. Whose heart would not be softened by such a man? But then again, for most of us, the opposite attitude is a reaffirmation that we have made the correct decision regarding divorce so we have to be thankful for each time they show their 'true colors'.
We Must Forgive Others A vital part of repentance is to forgive those who have sinned against us. The Lord will not forgive us unless our hearts are fully cleansed of all hate, bitterness, and bad feelings against other people.
An unrepentant addict will try to portray himself as "the victim"; will talk about the short comings of the spouse with children/others in an attempt to feel better about himself. A repentant person is thinking, speaking, acting with love towards others, especially the mother of his children (even if she divorced him). I met a man at a conference who talked about how he hated his wife who divorced him, and how his life is now so complicated with court appearances, visitation and support payments, loss of his home and former lifestyle 'because of her' (even though he was the one with an addiction). This is a huge red flag that this person has not repented and had a change of heart.
We Must Keep the Commandments of God To make our repentance complete we must keep the commandments of the Lord (see D&C 1:32).. If we do not pray and are unkind to others, we are surely not repentant. When we repent, our life changes. Repentance is more than simply acknowledging wrongdoings. It is a change of mind and heart. It includes turning away from sin and turning to God for forgiveness. It is motivated by love for God and the sincere desire to obey His commandments. FSYouth
For most, repentance is more a journey than a one-time event. It is not easy. To change is difficult. It requires running into the wind, swimming upstream. Jesus said, “If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross and follow me.” Repentance is turning away from some things, such as dishonesty, pride, anger, and impure thoughts, and turning toward other things, such as kindness, unselfishness, patience, and spirituality. It is “re-turning” toward God. As we honestly confess our sins, restore what we can to the offended, and forsake our sins by keeping the commandments, we are in the process of receiving forgiveness. NL Anderson
This is the easiest and hardest thing to deal with. Easy to know when they are 'off the wagon' but hard to make the final decision to walk away. Sister Beck visited our region and answered a sister's question about leaving an addicted spouse. She said, "You need to remember you are a beloved daughter of God. He wants what is best for you. You must set boundaries with the spouse and if those are crossed, you walk away." I wondered, " How many times (years) do you let the boundaries get crossed before you truly walk away?" For me, a nervous breakdown finally let me hear God's voice, "This is over."
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Divorce
I have 3 dear friends who are separated and planning to divorce. Two are young mothers with children, one is a grandmother of 10.
To them and others I would say:
1. You will absolutely be supported by your siblings. They will always be there for you to listen, advise, cry with and believe in you. It will be difficult to discuss all the events which have brought you to this decision.
Thank God every day for your loving and supportive family.
2. Your parents will love you and be on your side unconditionally. It will be impossible to vocalize to them your experiences (if sexual misconduct is involved); partly out of shame and partly out of protecting your spouse. Listen to their advice if you are lucky enough to have them in your life.
3. Your children will have a hard time. They do not like change and their lives will be disrupted; the family dynamic will never be the same but you have probably lived a lie for many years as you tried to 'keep it together for the kids'. They will spend time alone with their father who, if unrepentant, will portray himself as the victim and you as unforgiving, unmerciful, uncharitable and the cause of the family being torn apart. If he is repentant, he will take full responsibility and make certain the children know his actions were the cause of the divorce; he will build you up in the children's eyes and never try to discredit you as a wife or mother. This will go a long way in promoting healing and unity going forward. Whether your children are 6 or 36 they will not understand your decision or listen to the spiritual confirmations you have received in this most difficult decision. If you are wise, you will not give in to the temptation to justify yourself by sharing negative aspects of their father. It is common for children to side with the poor, unhealthy parent (who will continue to reap what he has sown- a hard, lonely life) so be prepared for their anger towards you.
You are their mother who gave them life and have already sacrificed much for them; loving them enough to return silence and love for their anger is just another sacrifice you can make for their well-being.
"Pray for the strength to walk the high road, which at times may be lonely but which will lead to peace and happiness and joy supernal."
GBHinckley, May 2004 Ensign
4. At church there will be true saints who have learned to follow Christ in word and deed; these will refuse to judge you or label you. They will accept your decision with sadness but love and support you. You will be invited into their homes where they will feed you, listen to you, socialize with you.
Be thankful for these angels in your life.
There will be others at church who will judge your situation without knowing all the facts; they will lecture you about the atonement & forgiveness, share talks and quotes about the selfishness of divorce, try to make you feel guilty and add further grief and pain to your already difficult situation.
Pray for them; they know not what they do.
5. Your neighbors and co-workers will be sorry for your situation but treat divorce as no big deal.
6. Your Bishop will (hopefully) tell you to wait a year and let time confirm the rightness (or wrongness)of your decision. He will give you priesthood blessings and confirm Heavenly Father's love for you as a beloved and valiant daughter. Unlike me, I hope you will tell him everything you have experienced at the hands of your spouse. It is excruciatingly difficult, embarrassing, shameful to vocalize these things but you will heal more thoroughly and quickly if you can do this. He can not be the 'judge in Israel' without the true facts. You will worry about burdening him (he is so innocent) with gross conduct but do it. I wish I had.
7. If he is emotionally unhealthy, the father-of-your-children will talk to your children and portray himself as the victim and you as the judgmental and unforgiving woman. If you are wise you will try at all costs to take the high road and not speak ill of him. He can have their ears for a while but, eventually, you living a life of love and service to them and others will speak much more loudly than playing 'he-said, she-said'. If he is healthy, he will speak only the good and continue to treat you with loving concern and consideration. (Haven't seen a whole lot of these but my dear friend still socializes and travels with the father of her children...so it IS possible.)
8.You will be amazed at the people, ideas, books, situations that will come in to your life to reconfirm the decision the Holy Ghost has already given you. You will feel gratitude and joy at life and receive a special endowment of love (charity)for everyone. You will be protected financially, spiritually, physically and emotionally when you are acting under the influence of the Spirit and your life is aligned with God's will. These will be the hardest years of your life and also the most rewarding because you will come to know God and His son Jesus Christ...not just know about them...but know they are real and sincerely interested in you and your well-being.
To them and others I would say:
1. You will absolutely be supported by your siblings. They will always be there for you to listen, advise, cry with and believe in you. It will be difficult to discuss all the events which have brought you to this decision.
Thank God every day for your loving and supportive family.
2. Your parents will love you and be on your side unconditionally. It will be impossible to vocalize to them your experiences (if sexual misconduct is involved); partly out of shame and partly out of protecting your spouse. Listen to their advice if you are lucky enough to have them in your life.
3. Your children will have a hard time. They do not like change and their lives will be disrupted; the family dynamic will never be the same but you have probably lived a lie for many years as you tried to 'keep it together for the kids'. They will spend time alone with their father who, if unrepentant, will portray himself as the victim and you as unforgiving, unmerciful, uncharitable and the cause of the family being torn apart. If he is repentant, he will take full responsibility and make certain the children know his actions were the cause of the divorce; he will build you up in the children's eyes and never try to discredit you as a wife or mother. This will go a long way in promoting healing and unity going forward. Whether your children are 6 or 36 they will not understand your decision or listen to the spiritual confirmations you have received in this most difficult decision. If you are wise, you will not give in to the temptation to justify yourself by sharing negative aspects of their father. It is common for children to side with the poor, unhealthy parent (who will continue to reap what he has sown- a hard, lonely life) so be prepared for their anger towards you.
You are their mother who gave them life and have already sacrificed much for them; loving them enough to return silence and love for their anger is just another sacrifice you can make for their well-being.
"Pray for the strength to walk the high road, which at times may be lonely but which will lead to peace and happiness and joy supernal."
GBHinckley, May 2004 Ensign
4. At church there will be true saints who have learned to follow Christ in word and deed; these will refuse to judge you or label you. They will accept your decision with sadness but love and support you. You will be invited into their homes where they will feed you, listen to you, socialize with you.
Be thankful for these angels in your life.
There will be others at church who will judge your situation without knowing all the facts; they will lecture you about the atonement & forgiveness, share talks and quotes about the selfishness of divorce, try to make you feel guilty and add further grief and pain to your already difficult situation.
Pray for them; they know not what they do.
5. Your neighbors and co-workers will be sorry for your situation but treat divorce as no big deal.
6. Your Bishop will (hopefully) tell you to wait a year and let time confirm the rightness (or wrongness)of your decision. He will give you priesthood blessings and confirm Heavenly Father's love for you as a beloved and valiant daughter. Unlike me, I hope you will tell him everything you have experienced at the hands of your spouse. It is excruciatingly difficult, embarrassing, shameful to vocalize these things but you will heal more thoroughly and quickly if you can do this. He can not be the 'judge in Israel' without the true facts. You will worry about burdening him (he is so innocent) with gross conduct but do it. I wish I had.
7. If he is emotionally unhealthy, the father-of-your-children will talk to your children and portray himself as the victim and you as the judgmental and unforgiving woman. If you are wise you will try at all costs to take the high road and not speak ill of him. He can have their ears for a while but, eventually, you living a life of love and service to them and others will speak much more loudly than playing 'he-said, she-said'. If he is healthy, he will speak only the good and continue to treat you with loving concern and consideration. (Haven't seen a whole lot of these but my dear friend still socializes and travels with the father of her children...so it IS possible.)
8.You will be amazed at the people, ideas, books, situations that will come in to your life to reconfirm the decision the Holy Ghost has already given you. You will feel gratitude and joy at life and receive a special endowment of love (charity)for everyone. You will be protected financially, spiritually, physically and emotionally when you are acting under the influence of the Spirit and your life is aligned with God's will. These will be the hardest years of your life and also the most rewarding because you will come to know God and His son Jesus Christ...not just know about them...but know they are real and sincerely interested in you and your well-being.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
What Shall We Say?
Part of the Law of the Gospel is contained in D&C 42.
Verse 22: love thy wife with all thy heart and cleave unto her and none else.
verse 25: he that committed adultery and repents with all his heart AND DOETH IT NO MORE, thou shalt forgive
verse 26: But if he doeth it again, he shall not be forgiven.
Now the interesting part: the next verse (27)says "Thou shalt not speak evil of thy neighbor, nor do him any harm"
Why is that verse there? Is it tagged on to the preceding verses or a new thought?
I was thinking today it is a tag for me and a confirmation to not speak out about the father of my children. What good could ever come from sharing info about him with anyone? I have had someone tell me that his 'getting away with it/kids living with deception' is actually more damning to him because it prolongs his repentance. That is HIS problem not mine; I am done with trying to protect him. His future and standing with God is in his hands not mine.
I have become weary during this election season with the negativity and whining of certain candidates. I want to hear what your positive ideas are; how you can move us forward, not whining about the past actions of someone else.
I notice the same thing in communications with divorced people;it is a red flag to me when I hear the blame game creep into conversations. I do the same thing in my head (and aloud sometimes too, unfortunately). It is not attractive, it is not comfortable, it does not bring peace and I want to overcome the tendency to do it. I think the motivation for this weakness is the pain of being victimized or hurt. I want to feel justified in holding on to and nursing my 'wound'. "I am divorced but it is not my fault; it's somebody else's fault".
I've been re-reading a favorite self-help book, Prescriptions For Living and the author has advice for getting over loss and violation. He was burglarized and for a long time he was angry about the loss until he realized the burglar was still in charge of his thoughts and thus his life. The burglary was not the problem, his thoughts and dwelling on the event was what was causing him pain. He decided to change his thoughts by telling himself that the burglar sold his stuff in order to buy Christmas presents for his own family. It doesn't matter if it is true, it is how he thinks about the situation and this thought brings him peace.
I pondered this and actually prayed for days about how to wrap my little brain around this idea; how could I apply it to my own situation? God is there and He sent me a thought the other day: I will think that my children already know about their dad's problems and that it's O.K., they aren't condemning me; now we can all go on and live a happy life. More importantly, God knows about the situation and has blessed me in every way to be able to overcome it and go forward with a joyful life; whose acceptance do I really care about?
My daily goal is charity; looking upon each of our Father's children as He looks at them. I want to be in the building up and loving business every day. I pray for those lips that never speak guile but are busy speaking and acting on the loving thoughts of my heart.
Verse 22: love thy wife with all thy heart and cleave unto her and none else.
verse 25: he that committed adultery and repents with all his heart AND DOETH IT NO MORE, thou shalt forgive
verse 26: But if he doeth it again, he shall not be forgiven.
Now the interesting part: the next verse (27)says "Thou shalt not speak evil of thy neighbor, nor do him any harm"
Why is that verse there? Is it tagged on to the preceding verses or a new thought?
I was thinking today it is a tag for me and a confirmation to not speak out about the father of my children. What good could ever come from sharing info about him with anyone? I have had someone tell me that his 'getting away with it/kids living with deception' is actually more damning to him because it prolongs his repentance. That is HIS problem not mine; I am done with trying to protect him. His future and standing with God is in his hands not mine.
I have become weary during this election season with the negativity and whining of certain candidates. I want to hear what your positive ideas are; how you can move us forward, not whining about the past actions of someone else.
I notice the same thing in communications with divorced people;it is a red flag to me when I hear the blame game creep into conversations. I do the same thing in my head (and aloud sometimes too, unfortunately). It is not attractive, it is not comfortable, it does not bring peace and I want to overcome the tendency to do it. I think the motivation for this weakness is the pain of being victimized or hurt. I want to feel justified in holding on to and nursing my 'wound'. "I am divorced but it is not my fault; it's somebody else's fault".
I've been re-reading a favorite self-help book, Prescriptions For Living and the author has advice for getting over loss and violation. He was burglarized and for a long time he was angry about the loss until he realized the burglar was still in charge of his thoughts and thus his life. The burglary was not the problem, his thoughts and dwelling on the event was what was causing him pain. He decided to change his thoughts by telling himself that the burglar sold his stuff in order to buy Christmas presents for his own family. It doesn't matter if it is true, it is how he thinks about the situation and this thought brings him peace.
I pondered this and actually prayed for days about how to wrap my little brain around this idea; how could I apply it to my own situation? God is there and He sent me a thought the other day: I will think that my children already know about their dad's problems and that it's O.K., they aren't condemning me; now we can all go on and live a happy life. More importantly, God knows about the situation and has blessed me in every way to be able to overcome it and go forward with a joyful life; whose acceptance do I really care about?
My daily goal is charity; looking upon each of our Father's children as He looks at them. I want to be in the building up and loving business every day. I pray for those lips that never speak guile but are busy speaking and acting on the loving thoughts of my heart.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Growth
I returned to the same beach yesterday that I fled to almost exactly four years ago after my breakdown over discovered further infidelities. I hadn't been to this beach since that day but I was ready for it. My friend told me how much growth she has seen in me over the past four years- she has seen me through the highs, the lows, the lack of support (financial as well as emotional), the court appearances, calls and releases, my travels/adventures; trying to cope with unhappy/illogical people...through it all she has been there for me. So if she says I have come a long way, I had to revisit the beach and reflect for myself on how far I have come.
What stands out to me is the testimony I have received that God's love is real. I have never felt so close to Him and been led by Him and been protected by Him in every way (physically, spiritually, financially, emotionally) as I have the past four years. I have always loved the scriptures but I only knew about God (the Sunday school answers)whereas now I know God. The pain and suffering of adversity was an excellent school master for me and I would not trade it for anything. That Orson F.Whitney quote has been realized as eternal truth by me: “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. All that we suffer … builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God … and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven …”
Learning to hold my tongue has been the greatest struggle. I know people in my personal life (as well as this forum)have wanted me to tell my children exactly why I got a divorce. I love my children more than any feeling of disgust, revulsion or revenge I have for their father. The hurtful, judgmental comments of my children over the past four years have sorely tempted me to lash out and tell them just what kind of husband their father actually was but I read about Jesus with those who falsely accused and condemned Him; he answered them not a word. That is the example I will continue to follow. I hear my children say "so and so has a lot worse marriage than my mom did and she is not getting a divorce" and I just smile. (I really have come a long way because I used to have to bite my lip or tongue to the point of blood and then smile...now I can just let it go and smile)
I must express gratitude for the life-experiences which have brought me to this level of testimony. I have a lively hope born of my faith in Christ that Heavenly Father loves me; He spoke to me on the beach four years ago; He has directed my feet in every way through separation,divorce and the joyful life I live today; He has continued to speak to me, giving me assurance that I am on the path which will result in personal sanctification and eventual exaltation with one of His righteous sons.
I wish I was at the side of a righteous companion today but if not... I find joy in my posterity and going "to the rescue" of whoever the Lord sends me. That results in the greatest growth of all.
What stands out to me is the testimony I have received that God's love is real. I have never felt so close to Him and been led by Him and been protected by Him in every way (physically, spiritually, financially, emotionally) as I have the past four years. I have always loved the scriptures but I only knew about God (the Sunday school answers)whereas now I know God. The pain and suffering of adversity was an excellent school master for me and I would not trade it for anything. That Orson F.Whitney quote has been realized as eternal truth by me: “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. All that we suffer … builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God … and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven …”
Learning to hold my tongue has been the greatest struggle. I know people in my personal life (as well as this forum)have wanted me to tell my children exactly why I got a divorce. I love my children more than any feeling of disgust, revulsion or revenge I have for their father. The hurtful, judgmental comments of my children over the past four years have sorely tempted me to lash out and tell them just what kind of husband their father actually was but I read about Jesus with those who falsely accused and condemned Him; he answered them not a word. That is the example I will continue to follow. I hear my children say "so and so has a lot worse marriage than my mom did and she is not getting a divorce" and I just smile. (I really have come a long way because I used to have to bite my lip or tongue to the point of blood and then smile...now I can just let it go and smile)
I must express gratitude for the life-experiences which have brought me to this level of testimony. I have a lively hope born of my faith in Christ that Heavenly Father loves me; He spoke to me on the beach four years ago; He has directed my feet in every way through separation,divorce and the joyful life I live today; He has continued to speak to me, giving me assurance that I am on the path which will result in personal sanctification and eventual exaltation with one of His righteous sons.
I wish I was at the side of a righteous companion today but if not... I find joy in my posterity and going "to the rescue" of whoever the Lord sends me. That results in the greatest growth of all.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
It Takes Two
It is always comforting to have books, articles, people come into your life at just the right moment in answer to heartfelt prayer. I saw this article in Good Housekeeping July 2009 and shared it with the father-of-my-children when we had been separated for about a year and a half.
CHEERIOS
My five-year-old granddaughter was sitting across the kitchen table from me one bright Sunday morning several years ago, digging into a bowl of CHeerios while I read the paper.
Suddenly she said, "Grandma, you're married to Grandpa Frank, right?"
"Yes, Megan," I said
"But you used to be married to Grandpa John, right?"
I braced myself. Here we go, I thought. The grandchildren are beginning to puzzle over why they have multiple sets of grandparents, and I'm going to have to explain what divorce is all about. "Yes, Megan."
Eyes thoughtful, she slowly began spooning in more Cheerios. "You used to be married to Grandpa John, and now you are married to Grandpa Frank..." She paused and nailed me with her eyes. "But you still love Grandpa John, right?"
I hadn't expected this, and I realized I had a millisecond to reassure this child that the world of divorce and remarriage, with all its anger and hurt, did not threaten her small circle of loved people. "Yes, Megan," I said. She let out a sigh of relief and dug back into the Cheerios. Her world was whole.
That evening , I reported the exchange to my husband: how a simple declaration of love had given this grandchild a feeling of safety that my ex-husband and I had been unable to give to our children. Our divorce had left our daughters for some time with divided loyalties, guilt and plenty of residual anger. They had survived and flourished, but why should the grandchildren be forced to pledge allegiance to the same grievances? Wasn't there a point where the enmity could be put to rest? "Who cares anymore who was right or who was wrong?"
He agreed. Soon after that, I talked to my ex-husband and his wife, and the four of us found ourselves agreeing on one bedrock commitment: to give the gift of completeness to our grandchildren. Our story was old news- we had the chance to live a new, better one.
Since then we've shared most family holidays, often in my ex-husband's converted Wisconsin barn. We've wrapped gifts together; taken the kids to the fireworks together; washed dishes together. We're happily remarried to spouses we love and if anyone asked if either he or I pined for the other, I'd have to say, "not in this lifetime or any other."
So was my answer to Megan truthful?
It was. My ex and I could let go of our old disappointments. The reward? Something huge- a chance to give our grandchildren the gift of a shared history. It's their family story now. Written better and true.
(Patricia O'Brian)
The father-of-my-children read this and answered that I was such a Pollyanna, and that this scenario would never happen in our family if we divorced. He was quite emphatic about this and added it to his harangue of threats towards me. (Those threats made it so easy for me to finally walk away from him with assurance because Heavenly Father was showing me his true, unrepentant, addictive heart.)
It has been four years since we separated, 1 1/2 since divorce, and I realize it takes two to create a loving, shared history for our posterity. I have every expectation and a clear vision of our family getting there some day; it's just the right thing to do for our children and as disciples of Christ.
CHEERIOS
My five-year-old granddaughter was sitting across the kitchen table from me one bright Sunday morning several years ago, digging into a bowl of CHeerios while I read the paper.
Suddenly she said, "Grandma, you're married to Grandpa Frank, right?"
"Yes, Megan," I said
"But you used to be married to Grandpa John, right?"
I braced myself. Here we go, I thought. The grandchildren are beginning to puzzle over why they have multiple sets of grandparents, and I'm going to have to explain what divorce is all about. "Yes, Megan."
Eyes thoughtful, she slowly began spooning in more Cheerios. "You used to be married to Grandpa John, and now you are married to Grandpa Frank..." She paused and nailed me with her eyes. "But you still love Grandpa John, right?"
I hadn't expected this, and I realized I had a millisecond to reassure this child that the world of divorce and remarriage, with all its anger and hurt, did not threaten her small circle of loved people. "Yes, Megan," I said. She let out a sigh of relief and dug back into the Cheerios. Her world was whole.
That evening , I reported the exchange to my husband: how a simple declaration of love had given this grandchild a feeling of safety that my ex-husband and I had been unable to give to our children. Our divorce had left our daughters for some time with divided loyalties, guilt and plenty of residual anger. They had survived and flourished, but why should the grandchildren be forced to pledge allegiance to the same grievances? Wasn't there a point where the enmity could be put to rest? "Who cares anymore who was right or who was wrong?"
He agreed. Soon after that, I talked to my ex-husband and his wife, and the four of us found ourselves agreeing on one bedrock commitment: to give the gift of completeness to our grandchildren. Our story was old news- we had the chance to live a new, better one.
Since then we've shared most family holidays, often in my ex-husband's converted Wisconsin barn. We've wrapped gifts together; taken the kids to the fireworks together; washed dishes together. We're happily remarried to spouses we love and if anyone asked if either he or I pined for the other, I'd have to say, "not in this lifetime or any other."
So was my answer to Megan truthful?
It was. My ex and I could let go of our old disappointments. The reward? Something huge- a chance to give our grandchildren the gift of a shared history. It's their family story now. Written better and true.
(Patricia O'Brian)
The father-of-my-children read this and answered that I was such a Pollyanna, and that this scenario would never happen in our family if we divorced. He was quite emphatic about this and added it to his harangue of threats towards me. (Those threats made it so easy for me to finally walk away from him with assurance because Heavenly Father was showing me his true, unrepentant, addictive heart.)
It has been four years since we separated, 1 1/2 since divorce, and I realize it takes two to create a loving, shared history for our posterity. I have every expectation and a clear vision of our family getting there some day; it's just the right thing to do for our children and as disciples of Christ.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Miracles
I received this Christmas letter last week and must share it with everyone:
"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle" Albert Einstein
Most of us think of miracles as big events of unusual circumstances. That may well define some miracles, but others occur in our daily lives as we are challenged to cope with life as it is. Our personal miracles come in harmony with our decision to cope well with the unexpected.
Longfellow believed the situations that call upon our coping skills are "celestial benedictions" in disguise, sent not to try our souls but to enlarge them. Every time we cope well we have made another personal deposit of confidence, creativity and courage - we have added to our reserve and strengthened our character.
We believe in miracles because we have seen them in your lives as well as our own. There are those with the heaviest burdens who still brighten our day. There are those who have given up much but still manage to express their gratitude. There are some amazing people around us who teach us with their strength, courage and resilience. These are the people whose miracles inspire us!
"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle" Albert Einstein
Most of us think of miracles as big events of unusual circumstances. That may well define some miracles, but others occur in our daily lives as we are challenged to cope with life as it is. Our personal miracles come in harmony with our decision to cope well with the unexpected.
Longfellow believed the situations that call upon our coping skills are "celestial benedictions" in disguise, sent not to try our souls but to enlarge them. Every time we cope well we have made another personal deposit of confidence, creativity and courage - we have added to our reserve and strengthened our character.
We believe in miracles because we have seen them in your lives as well as our own. There are those with the heaviest burdens who still brighten our day. There are those who have given up much but still manage to express their gratitude. There are some amazing people around us who teach us with their strength, courage and resilience. These are the people whose miracles inspire us!
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Ruling
Check out the footnote for Matthew 2:6d. The Greek for 'rule' is tend, protect, nurture.
Go back and plug that into Genesis 3:16 or Moses 4:22 (thy husband shall rule over thee) and 1 Timothy3:4,5,12 (one that ruleth well his own house). Find other places in the scriptures that mention rule or ruling. I love this insight! Now we have three verbs to be trying liken to ourselves and implement instead of just one...
(RULE!!! sounds harsh)
The man (or woman) of God who is ruling over his wife, family or the church is tending, protecting and nurturing them. Great concept!
Go back and plug that into Genesis 3:16 or Moses 4:22 (thy husband shall rule over thee) and 1 Timothy3:4,5,12 (one that ruleth well his own house). Find other places in the scriptures that mention rule or ruling. I love this insight! Now we have three verbs to be trying liken to ourselves and implement instead of just one...
(RULE!!! sounds harsh)
The man (or woman) of God who is ruling over his wife, family or the church is tending, protecting and nurturing them. Great concept!
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Thoughts on Virtue from BYU Magazine
"The abundance of life, the fullness of purpose and meaning are to be found in virtue- virtue that reflects and reaches for the godly virtue of the Savior Himself.
Virtue is the very purpose of life and the essence of our nature as children of God."
Virtue is to be for others- to act in their best interests, and to have a heart of compassion and charity turned outwards. When we are being virtuous, we exhibit specific characteristics...we invite and entice one another to be virtuous: being compassionately persuasive,gentle, meek and kind- in a spirit of charity, of love, of patience. It is in this way of being that we show ourselves and to others who we are and who we should be. This is what life is really like as we moment by moment put off the natural man. Our attempts must begin in the hearts of individuals.
Virtue is about strength, goodness and excellence- about what we do and how we do it. The example of the virtuous woman in Proverbs 31: She seeketh,worketh, bringeth, riseth, giveth, considereth, planteth, girdeth, strengtheneth, perceiveth, stretcheth, reacheth, maketh, selleth, and delivereth. Only one thing she doesn't do: she does not fear. I think it is because it never occurs to one who seeks, rises works, gives and all the rest- to be afraid. What she doesn't do is merely the by-product of what she does do.
Virtue is the very purpose of life and the essence of our nature as children of God."
Virtue is to be for others- to act in their best interests, and to have a heart of compassion and charity turned outwards. When we are being virtuous, we exhibit specific characteristics...we invite and entice one another to be virtuous: being compassionately persuasive,gentle, meek and kind- in a spirit of charity, of love, of patience. It is in this way of being that we show ourselves and to others who we are and who we should be. This is what life is really like as we moment by moment put off the natural man. Our attempts must begin in the hearts of individuals.
Virtue is about strength, goodness and excellence- about what we do and how we do it. The example of the virtuous woman in Proverbs 31: She seeketh,worketh, bringeth, riseth, giveth, considereth, planteth, girdeth, strengtheneth, perceiveth, stretcheth, reacheth, maketh, selleth, and delivereth. Only one thing she doesn't do: she does not fear. I think it is because it never occurs to one who seeks, rises works, gives and all the rest- to be afraid. What she doesn't do is merely the by-product of what she does do.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Notes on Meekness (James Allen and me)
Meekness is a divine quality and as such is all powerful. The meek overcome by not resisting. The meek man is found in the time of trial; his patience is not destroyed by the foolish passions of others and when they come against him he does not 'strive nor cry'. That the meek man should be neglected, abused or misunderstood is reckoned by him as of no account and therefore not to be considered much lass resisted. To them who give him evil he gives good.
What sayest thou, thy neighbor has spoken thee falsely? Well, what of that? Can a falsity hurt thee? That which is false is false, and there is an end to it. It is without life , and without power to hurt any but him who seeks to hurt by it. It is nothing that thy neighbor should speak falsely of thee, but it is much to thee that thou shouldest resist him, and seek to justify thyself for, by so doing thou givest life and vitality to thy neighbor's falseness, so that thou art injured and distressed. If any man slander me, that is his concern, not mine. Though all the world misjudge me, it is no business of mine; but that I should possess my soul in Purity and Love, that is all my business.
Meek tools are gentleness, patience, humility, purity, sacrifice, and love. We must sacrifice self (our passions,opinions, prejudice and accusations).
Passions: keep emotions in check by forbearing (never taking offense in the first place). Think well of everyone; emotions come from thoughts and then opinions form.
Opinions: I don't have a handle on truth. Other people's truth can be different than mine. Everyone is accountable for their own choices; my way is not the only way. The only Truth is Love. God IS love.
Prejudice: Clinging to your own selfish opinions which are based on limited perception. Prejudice leads to unrighteous judgment and condemnation of others. Holding on to those judgements is pride or enmity.
Accusing: Pride is the source of accusations. Lucifer is the original accuser and he accused continually.(Revelations 12:10) Lehi worried about Laman and Lemuel because they were 1)accusing Nephi and 2) murmuring among themselves (2Nephi 1:25-26).
Humility: regard everyone with eye of charity. Sacrifice my opinions so I can love more. Truth (charity) is an unselfish, holy heart aspiring for peace with all. Cherish everyone with thoughts of acceptance. Seeing ours and others potential = dwelling in good will and compassion.
Strive after meekness! Increase thy forbearance and patience day by day. Watch thy thoughts; ceasing to have or hold any selfish, condemnatory, or retaliatory thoughts. Bid thy tongue cease from all harsh words; withdraw thy mind from selfish arguments, and refuse to brood upon wrongs. Rejoice that thou art so favored to have thine own imperfections revealed to thee as to necessitate within thee a constant struggle for self-mastery and perfection. Each trial becomes an opportunity to practice what is preached. So living, thou shalt carefully tend and cultivate the pure and delicate flower of Meekness in thy heart.
Thou shalt bless where others curse; love where others hate; forgive where others condemn.
What sayest thou, thy neighbor has spoken thee falsely? Well, what of that? Can a falsity hurt thee? That which is false is false, and there is an end to it. It is without life , and without power to hurt any but him who seeks to hurt by it. It is nothing that thy neighbor should speak falsely of thee, but it is much to thee that thou shouldest resist him, and seek to justify thyself for, by so doing thou givest life and vitality to thy neighbor's falseness, so that thou art injured and distressed. If any man slander me, that is his concern, not mine. Though all the world misjudge me, it is no business of mine; but that I should possess my soul in Purity and Love, that is all my business.
Meek tools are gentleness, patience, humility, purity, sacrifice, and love. We must sacrifice self (our passions,opinions, prejudice and accusations).
Passions: keep emotions in check by forbearing (never taking offense in the first place). Think well of everyone; emotions come from thoughts and then opinions form.
Opinions: I don't have a handle on truth. Other people's truth can be different than mine. Everyone is accountable for their own choices; my way is not the only way. The only Truth is Love. God IS love.
Prejudice: Clinging to your own selfish opinions which are based on limited perception. Prejudice leads to unrighteous judgment and condemnation of others. Holding on to those judgements is pride or enmity.
Accusing: Pride is the source of accusations. Lucifer is the original accuser and he accused continually.(Revelations 12:10) Lehi worried about Laman and Lemuel because they were 1)accusing Nephi and 2) murmuring among themselves (2Nephi 1:25-26).
Humility: regard everyone with eye of charity. Sacrifice my opinions so I can love more. Truth (charity) is an unselfish, holy heart aspiring for peace with all. Cherish everyone with thoughts of acceptance. Seeing ours and others potential = dwelling in good will and compassion.
Strive after meekness! Increase thy forbearance and patience day by day. Watch thy thoughts; ceasing to have or hold any selfish, condemnatory, or retaliatory thoughts. Bid thy tongue cease from all harsh words; withdraw thy mind from selfish arguments, and refuse to brood upon wrongs. Rejoice that thou art so favored to have thine own imperfections revealed to thee as to necessitate within thee a constant struggle for self-mastery and perfection. Each trial becomes an opportunity to practice what is preached. So living, thou shalt carefully tend and cultivate the pure and delicate flower of Meekness in thy heart.
Thou shalt bless where others curse; love where others hate; forgive where others condemn.
Friday, July 8, 2011
I always loved Elder Ashton
Peace—A Triumph of PrinciplesMarvin J. Ashton, 1985
Many years ago I heard a story that impressed me. I share it with you today as I endeavor for a few minutes to direct your thinking toward the important word peace. A beautiful little blind girl was sitting on the lap of her father in a crowded compartment in a train. A friend seated nearby said to the father, “Let me give you a little rest,” and he reached over and took the little girl on his lap. A few moments later the father said to her, “Do you know who is holding you?” “No,” she replied, “but you do.”
Some might be inclined to say, “What a perfect trust this child had in her father.” Others may say, “What a wonderful example of love.” And still others might say, “What an example of faith.” To me it indicates a beautiful blending of all of these principles, which brought a priceless inner peace to the child. She knew she was safe because she knew her father knew who was holding her. Affection, respect, and care over the years had placed in this little girl’s heart a peace that surpasseth all understanding. She was at peace because she knew and trusted her father.
We plead for peace in our prayers and thoughts. Where is peace? Can we ever enjoy this great gift while wars, rumors of wars, discord, evil, and contention swirl all around us? The answer is yes. Just as the little blind girl sat on the stranger’s lap with perfect contentment because her father knew him, so we can learn to know our Father and find inner peace as we live his principles.
Certainly peace is the opposite of fear. Peace is a blessing that comes to those who trust in God. It is established through individual righteousness. True personal peace comes about through eternal vigilance and constant righteous efforts. No man can be at peace who is untrue to his better self. No man can have lasting peace who is living a lie. Peace can never come to the transgressor of the law. Commitment to God’s laws is the basis for peace. Peace is something we earn. It is not a gift. Rather, it is a possession earned by those who love God and work to achieve the blessings of peace. It is not a written document. It is something that must come from within.
Never will peace and hatred be able to abide in the same soul. Our trust and our relationship with our Father should be one similar to that of the little blind girl and her earthly father. When sorrow, tragedy, and heartbreaks occur in our lives, wouldn’t it be comforting if when the whisperings of God say, “Do you know why this has happened to you?” we could have the peace of mind to answer “No, but you do.”
However, only those at peace can properly cope with accusations and slander. Inner peace is the prized possession of God’s valiant. A testimony of the truthfulness of the teachings of our Savior gives personal peace in times of adversity. It must be constantly nurtured by the individual who is soundly anchored to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Only then can a person realize that the trials and tribulations of daily life are less important than God’s total goodness.
Lasting peace is an eternal personal quest. Peace does come from obedience to the law. Peace comes to those who develop character and trust.
No peace will be lasting unless it is built upon the solid foundation of eternal principles such as love of God, love of neighbor, and love of self. Those who love their neighbors can bring peace and happiness to many.
When we properly blend into our lives true principles of love, honesty, respect, character, faith, and patience, peace will become our priceless possession. Peace is a triumph of correct principles.
None of us will avoid the storms of life. The winds and the waves will periodically interfere with our chosen course. The laws of the gospel can bring us back on course and guide us to peaceful waters.
Many years ago I heard a story that impressed me. I share it with you today as I endeavor for a few minutes to direct your thinking toward the important word peace. A beautiful little blind girl was sitting on the lap of her father in a crowded compartment in a train. A friend seated nearby said to the father, “Let me give you a little rest,” and he reached over and took the little girl on his lap. A few moments later the father said to her, “Do you know who is holding you?” “No,” she replied, “but you do.”
Some might be inclined to say, “What a perfect trust this child had in her father.” Others may say, “What a wonderful example of love.” And still others might say, “What an example of faith.” To me it indicates a beautiful blending of all of these principles, which brought a priceless inner peace to the child. She knew she was safe because she knew her father knew who was holding her. Affection, respect, and care over the years had placed in this little girl’s heart a peace that surpasseth all understanding. She was at peace because she knew and trusted her father.
We plead for peace in our prayers and thoughts. Where is peace? Can we ever enjoy this great gift while wars, rumors of wars, discord, evil, and contention swirl all around us? The answer is yes. Just as the little blind girl sat on the stranger’s lap with perfect contentment because her father knew him, so we can learn to know our Father and find inner peace as we live his principles.
Certainly peace is the opposite of fear. Peace is a blessing that comes to those who trust in God. It is established through individual righteousness. True personal peace comes about through eternal vigilance and constant righteous efforts. No man can be at peace who is untrue to his better self. No man can have lasting peace who is living a lie. Peace can never come to the transgressor of the law. Commitment to God’s laws is the basis for peace. Peace is something we earn. It is not a gift. Rather, it is a possession earned by those who love God and work to achieve the blessings of peace. It is not a written document. It is something that must come from within.
Never will peace and hatred be able to abide in the same soul. Our trust and our relationship with our Father should be one similar to that of the little blind girl and her earthly father. When sorrow, tragedy, and heartbreaks occur in our lives, wouldn’t it be comforting if when the whisperings of God say, “Do you know why this has happened to you?” we could have the peace of mind to answer “No, but you do.”
However, only those at peace can properly cope with accusations and slander. Inner peace is the prized possession of God’s valiant. A testimony of the truthfulness of the teachings of our Savior gives personal peace in times of adversity. It must be constantly nurtured by the individual who is soundly anchored to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Only then can a person realize that the trials and tribulations of daily life are less important than God’s total goodness.
Lasting peace is an eternal personal quest. Peace does come from obedience to the law. Peace comes to those who develop character and trust.
No peace will be lasting unless it is built upon the solid foundation of eternal principles such as love of God, love of neighbor, and love of self. Those who love their neighbors can bring peace and happiness to many.
When we properly blend into our lives true principles of love, honesty, respect, character, faith, and patience, peace will become our priceless possession. Peace is a triumph of correct principles.
None of us will avoid the storms of life. The winds and the waves will periodically interfere with our chosen course. The laws of the gospel can bring us back on course and guide us to peaceful waters.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Getting Out There
Okay, I started attending Single Adult Dances and Conferences a few months ago. I went with trepidation (and a non-member friend)to the first dance. We actually had a blast. We looked at it as a service project: we were there to help other people have a fun time by just dancing and talking up a storm with anyone. The second one was fun too but she left early so I didn't stay long. The conferences have been fun too. I just returned from my third conference and my heart is going out to the dear, single folk. I went alone down to San Diego this week and was taken in by four sisters as soon as I registered. (I was a stranger and they took me in!) I was able to pull in other guys and gals to our little group throughout the day and evening. When I saw someone wandering around alone, I went up to them and invited them to sit with us. I even created a little match between two of the younger friends I gathered in.
I just finished a good book by Dr. Bernie Siegel titled, Prescription For Living (lessons for living a joyful life). "I have learned we are here to make life easier for each other", he says. This attitude is wrapping itself around my little, lonely heart like a down comforter. Most of us 'single-folk' probably wish we were married, but in the meantime we can befriend,listen and lift each other.I have days when I am lonely but I either go for a walk or go to visit one of my senior 'sweethearts' (male and females).
I love another recurring theme of his book:
"Good things come of adversity. God is redirecting you. Something good will come of this.Despite the difficulty, the darkest times of our lives are often the most meaningful. These are the times when we cannot deny our fears and we are forced to pay attention to what we are feeling inside. What happens when you listen to your feelings? Your problems become your teacher, healer and enlightenment." I have found this to be true. First, that something good is going to come as a result of this pain or change in life.Second, that there is the potential for tremendous spiritual growth as you work with the problems of life. You see your weaknesses and having light thrown upon them, enables you to change and grow.
So..life is good right now. There are people out there to love, lift and bless with my (strong) personality. I may be afraid of calling people on the phone but I have little fear in person. I really enjoyed reaching out to so many people yesterday and last night at the conference. I am on a mission to touch the hearts of these fellow-singles and be a friend to everyone. I came to this conclusion after I realized I am pretty sure I won't find my future husband here. It freed me to just relax and be on God's errand; be there for others instead of worrying about myself.
I just finished a good book by Dr. Bernie Siegel titled, Prescription For Living (lessons for living a joyful life). "I have learned we are here to make life easier for each other", he says. This attitude is wrapping itself around my little, lonely heart like a down comforter. Most of us 'single-folk' probably wish we were married, but in the meantime we can befriend,listen and lift each other.I have days when I am lonely but I either go for a walk or go to visit one of my senior 'sweethearts' (male and females).
I love another recurring theme of his book:
"Good things come of adversity. God is redirecting you. Something good will come of this.Despite the difficulty, the darkest times of our lives are often the most meaningful. These are the times when we cannot deny our fears and we are forced to pay attention to what we are feeling inside. What happens when you listen to your feelings? Your problems become your teacher, healer and enlightenment." I have found this to be true. First, that something good is going to come as a result of this pain or change in life.Second, that there is the potential for tremendous spiritual growth as you work with the problems of life. You see your weaknesses and having light thrown upon them, enables you to change and grow.
So..life is good right now. There are people out there to love, lift and bless with my (strong) personality. I may be afraid of calling people on the phone but I have little fear in person. I really enjoyed reaching out to so many people yesterday and last night at the conference. I am on a mission to touch the hearts of these fellow-singles and be a friend to everyone. I came to this conclusion after I realized I am pretty sure I won't find my future husband here. It freed me to just relax and be on God's errand; be there for others instead of worrying about myself.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Old Post
This post got spammed so I am reposting it 17 months later:
Anonymous asked way back in Jan 2010 if I believe the 'mantra' will really make one a forgiving person. I don't know if your question is doubtful or hopeful but either way it's a good comment.
Forgiveness is for YOU. It is not something you give someone; you give it to yourself. I believe forgiveness is the feeling of peace you have because you are letting go of your grievance / grudge / anger / resentment. You are deciding you're done with blaming someone for how poorly you've been treated and how miserable you are. Forgiveness is you deciding to stop letting other people control you.
My experience with 'repeating the mantra' ("I hoped _____ would ______ but I acknowledge I have no control over the choices of other people. I choose to focus on beauty, gratitude and love.") is really similar to Alma 32 in the Book of Mormon. Alma compares the word (a teaching or a principle)to a seed. Planting (or experimenting on) the word on tithing; the word on love;the word on forgiveness or whatever, is the way to discern if it is a true or good seed.
Try it! Get the Forgive For Good book and exercise a particle of faith by experimenting on it. Pray for grace (that enabling power which is given to us through the atonement after all we can do). If you experience more frequent and longer periods of peace, you are truly becoming a forgiving person!
It doesn't matter what you decide to do about the relationship; becoming a forgiving and loving person begins to be 'delicious' to you. Then you will know (or have a testimony) that it is a good seed; that forgiveness is not only possible but preferable.
Anonymous asked way back in Jan 2010 if I believe the 'mantra' will really make one a forgiving person. I don't know if your question is doubtful or hopeful but either way it's a good comment.
Forgiveness is for YOU. It is not something you give someone; you give it to yourself. I believe forgiveness is the feeling of peace you have because you are letting go of your grievance / grudge / anger / resentment. You are deciding you're done with blaming someone for how poorly you've been treated and how miserable you are. Forgiveness is you deciding to stop letting other people control you.
My experience with 'repeating the mantra' ("I hoped _____ would ______ but I acknowledge I have no control over the choices of other people. I choose to focus on beauty, gratitude and love.") is really similar to Alma 32 in the Book of Mormon. Alma compares the word (a teaching or a principle)to a seed. Planting (or experimenting on) the word on tithing; the word on love;the word on forgiveness or whatever, is the way to discern if it is a true or good seed.
Try it! Get the Forgive For Good book and exercise a particle of faith by experimenting on it. Pray for grace (that enabling power which is given to us through the atonement after all we can do). If you experience more frequent and longer periods of peace, you are truly becoming a forgiving person!
It doesn't matter what you decide to do about the relationship; becoming a forgiving and loving person begins to be 'delicious' to you. Then you will know (or have a testimony) that it is a good seed; that forgiveness is not only possible but preferable.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Meekness by James Allen (& me)
Meekness is to be non-resistant in thought. (Jesus is the ultimate example of meekness; this submission of every thought to his Father's will. When you have love as your motive, there is no need to resist others in thought/word/deed). Cease condemning, retaliatory or selfish thoughts. The meek can't take offense or have their feelings hurt...they have submitted to truth (charity - what is there to argue about?).
Increase patience and forbearance each day. Withdraw thy mind from arguments; refuse to brood on wrongs of others. (Accept everyone's use of agency) Bless where others curse; love where they hate; forgive where they condemn; yield where they strive; give up as they grasp. That which is real can never be destroyed: love, virtue, honesty, humility, meekness, integrity, purity, patience.
That the meek person should be neglected, abused or misunderstood is considered by her as of no account and therefore not to be considered, much less resisted. To those who give evil- return good. The meek submit; they resist none and they conquer all. She who imagines she can be injured by others and who seeks to justify and defend herself against them does not understand meekness, nor comprehend the meaning of life.
Someone has spoken falsely of you? Can falsity ever really harm you? That which is false is false. and there is an end to it. A lie is without power to hurt any but the one who seeks to hurt by it. When you try to defend yourself, you give life to the lie so you become injured and distressed. (Yes I do!) Take all evil out of your heart and you will see the folly of resisting evil in another. The injury you see coming from another comes only from yourself. All the world can misjudge you. You must possess your soul in purity and love. Strife ends when one party ceases defending herself. By inward, spiritual submission the meek conquers.
(Well, I just love this. It is taken from All These Things Added. You can download it for free from i store. This is even better than As a Man Thinketh/From Poverty to Power which I have recommended before. What amazing insight he had. He lived a hundred years ago but truth is truth. I love pondering principles of the gospel no matter where you find them. Enjoy!)
Increase patience and forbearance each day. Withdraw thy mind from arguments; refuse to brood on wrongs of others. (Accept everyone's use of agency) Bless where others curse; love where they hate; forgive where they condemn; yield where they strive; give up as they grasp. That which is real can never be destroyed: love, virtue, honesty, humility, meekness, integrity, purity, patience.
That the meek person should be neglected, abused or misunderstood is considered by her as of no account and therefore not to be considered, much less resisted. To those who give evil- return good. The meek submit; they resist none and they conquer all. She who imagines she can be injured by others and who seeks to justify and defend herself against them does not understand meekness, nor comprehend the meaning of life.
Someone has spoken falsely of you? Can falsity ever really harm you? That which is false is false. and there is an end to it. A lie is without power to hurt any but the one who seeks to hurt by it. When you try to defend yourself, you give life to the lie so you become injured and distressed. (Yes I do!) Take all evil out of your heart and you will see the folly of resisting evil in another. The injury you see coming from another comes only from yourself. All the world can misjudge you. You must possess your soul in purity and love. Strife ends when one party ceases defending herself. By inward, spiritual submission the meek conquers.
(Well, I just love this. It is taken from All These Things Added. You can download it for free from i store. This is even better than As a Man Thinketh/From Poverty to Power which I have recommended before. What amazing insight he had. He lived a hundred years ago but truth is truth. I love pondering principles of the gospel no matter where you find them. Enjoy!)
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Eat Pray Love
I really am enjoying this book by Elizabeth Gilbert. There are 2-3 f-bombs but I highly recommend this book. An excerpt from Chapter 58:
"My prayers are becoming more deliberate and specific. It has occurred to me that it's not much use to send prayers out to the universe that are lazy. Of course God already knows what I need. The question is- do I know? Casting yourself at God's feet in helpless desparation is all well and good- heaven knows, I've done it myself plenty of times- but ultimately you're likely to get more out of the experience if you can take some action on your end. (See Ether 2:23, come up with a plan- not in the book)
Prayer is a relationship; half the job is mine. If I want more transformation, but can't even be bothered to articulate what, exactly, I'm aiming for, how will it ever occur? Half the benefit of prayer is in the asking itself, in the offering of a clearly posed and well-considered intention. If you don't have this, all your plans and desires are boneless, floppy, inert;they swirl at your feet in a cold fog and never lift. So now I take the time every morning to search myself for specificity about what I am truly asking for. I kneel there in the temple with my face on the cold marble for as long as it takes me to formulate an authentic prayer. If I don't feel sincere, then I will stay there on the floor until I do. What worked yesterday doesn't always work today. Prayers can become stale and drone into the boring and familiar if you let your attention stagnate. In making an effort to stay alert, I am assuming custodial responsibility for my own soul.
Destiny, I feel, is also a relationship- a play between divine grace and willful self-effort. Half of it you have no control over; half of it is absolutely in your hands, and your actions will show measurable consequence. What do I need to stop worrying about because it's not under my control, and which do I need to (work on) with concentrated effort?
There is so much about my fate I cannot control but other things do fall under my jurisdiction. I can decide how I will spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I eat, read and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life- whether I will see them as curses or opportunities (and on occasion when I can't rise to the most optimistic viewpoint, because I am feeling too sorry for myself, I can choose to keep trying to change my outlook). I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can change my thoughts.
This last concept is a radically new idea for me. It was brought to my attention recently when I was complaining about my inability to stop brooding. "You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select what clothes you're gonna wear every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things so bad, work on the mind. That's the only thing you should be trying to control. Drop everything else but that. Because if you can't learn to master your thinking, you're in deep trouble forever."
On first glance this is seems a nearly impossible task. Control your own thoughts instead of the other way around? But imagine if you could? This is not about repression or denial. Repression and denial set up elaborate games to pretend that negative thoughts and feelings are not occurring. What he is talking about is admitting to the existence of negative thoughts, understanding where they came from and why they arrived, and then- with great forgiveness and fortitude- dismissing them. It's a sacrifice to let them go, of course. It's like the loss of old habits, comforting old grudges and familiar vignettes. Of course, this always takes patience and effort. It's not a teaching that you can hear once and then expect to master immediately. It's constant vigilance and I want to do it. I need to do it, for my strength.
So I've started being vigilant about watching my thoughts all day and monitoring them. I repeat this vow about 700 times a day: "I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore." Every time a diminishing thought arises, I repeat the vow. Harbor is a noun as well as a verb. A harbor, of course, is a place of refuge, a port of entry. The harbor of my mind is an open bay, the only access to the island of my Self. This island has been through some wars, it is true, but it is now committed to peace, under new leadership (me) who has instituted new policies to protect the place. And now- let the word go out across the seven seas- there are much, much stricter laws on the books about who may enter this harbor.
You may not come here anymore with your hard and abusive thoughts, with your plague-ships of thoughts, with your warships of thoughts- all these will be turned away. Likewise, any thoughts that are filled with angry or starving exiles, with malcontents, mutineers, violent assassins and seditious stowaways- you may not come here anymore either. This is a peaceful harbor, the entryway to a fine and proud island that is only now beginning to cultivate tranquillity. If you can abide by these new laws, my dear thoughts, then you are welcome in my mind- otherwise, I shall turn you all back toward the sea from whence you came.
That is my mission, and it will never end."
Check out this book!
"My prayers are becoming more deliberate and specific. It has occurred to me that it's not much use to send prayers out to the universe that are lazy. Of course God already knows what I need. The question is- do I know? Casting yourself at God's feet in helpless desparation is all well and good- heaven knows, I've done it myself plenty of times- but ultimately you're likely to get more out of the experience if you can take some action on your end. (See Ether 2:23, come up with a plan- not in the book)
Prayer is a relationship; half the job is mine. If I want more transformation, but can't even be bothered to articulate what, exactly, I'm aiming for, how will it ever occur? Half the benefit of prayer is in the asking itself, in the offering of a clearly posed and well-considered intention. If you don't have this, all your plans and desires are boneless, floppy, inert;they swirl at your feet in a cold fog and never lift. So now I take the time every morning to search myself for specificity about what I am truly asking for. I kneel there in the temple with my face on the cold marble for as long as it takes me to formulate an authentic prayer. If I don't feel sincere, then I will stay there on the floor until I do. What worked yesterday doesn't always work today. Prayers can become stale and drone into the boring and familiar if you let your attention stagnate. In making an effort to stay alert, I am assuming custodial responsibility for my own soul.
Destiny, I feel, is also a relationship- a play between divine grace and willful self-effort. Half of it you have no control over; half of it is absolutely in your hands, and your actions will show measurable consequence. What do I need to stop worrying about because it's not under my control, and which do I need to (work on) with concentrated effort?
There is so much about my fate I cannot control but other things do fall under my jurisdiction. I can decide how I will spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I eat, read and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life- whether I will see them as curses or opportunities (and on occasion when I can't rise to the most optimistic viewpoint, because I am feeling too sorry for myself, I can choose to keep trying to change my outlook). I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can change my thoughts.
This last concept is a radically new idea for me. It was brought to my attention recently when I was complaining about my inability to stop brooding. "You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select what clothes you're gonna wear every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things so bad, work on the mind. That's the only thing you should be trying to control. Drop everything else but that. Because if you can't learn to master your thinking, you're in deep trouble forever."
On first glance this is seems a nearly impossible task. Control your own thoughts instead of the other way around? But imagine if you could? This is not about repression or denial. Repression and denial set up elaborate games to pretend that negative thoughts and feelings are not occurring. What he is talking about is admitting to the existence of negative thoughts, understanding where they came from and why they arrived, and then- with great forgiveness and fortitude- dismissing them. It's a sacrifice to let them go, of course. It's like the loss of old habits, comforting old grudges and familiar vignettes. Of course, this always takes patience and effort. It's not a teaching that you can hear once and then expect to master immediately. It's constant vigilance and I want to do it. I need to do it, for my strength.
So I've started being vigilant about watching my thoughts all day and monitoring them. I repeat this vow about 700 times a day: "I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore." Every time a diminishing thought arises, I repeat the vow. Harbor is a noun as well as a verb. A harbor, of course, is a place of refuge, a port of entry. The harbor of my mind is an open bay, the only access to the island of my Self. This island has been through some wars, it is true, but it is now committed to peace, under new leadership (me) who has instituted new policies to protect the place. And now- let the word go out across the seven seas- there are much, much stricter laws on the books about who may enter this harbor.
You may not come here anymore with your hard and abusive thoughts, with your plague-ships of thoughts, with your warships of thoughts- all these will be turned away. Likewise, any thoughts that are filled with angry or starving exiles, with malcontents, mutineers, violent assassins and seditious stowaways- you may not come here anymore either. This is a peaceful harbor, the entryway to a fine and proud island that is only now beginning to cultivate tranquillity. If you can abide by these new laws, my dear thoughts, then you are welcome in my mind- otherwise, I shall turn you all back toward the sea from whence you came.
That is my mission, and it will never end."
Check out this book!
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Recent Prophetic Admonitions For Happiness
What a blessing to hear from President Monson twice now in an eight day period. To the sisters of the church he said to let go of judging and criticizing others. Several humorous examples were shared to demonstrate his point. He quoted Mother Theresa as saying, "When we are criticizing others, we don't have time to love them." He said that life is perfect for none of us; rather than be critical demonstrate charity. He left us his blessing, "May it (charity) permeate your soul and find itself manifest in all your actions".
//lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-1298-39,00.html
To the church this morning he admonished an attitude of gratitude. Focus on our blessings (family, friends, health, the love of others) instead of what we lack. Trials can cause us to lose focus of our many blessings. A prayerful life is the key to gratitude. Ingratitude always leads to disappointment. A grateful person sees so much good in the world and can maintain a positive, optimistic attitude.
Following these admonitions of the Prophet of God can lead to maintaining the companionship of the Holy Ghost, which, in turn, brings peace and joy into our lives.
He who hath ears to hear...
//lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-1298-39,00.html
To the church this morning he admonished an attitude of gratitude. Focus on our blessings (family, friends, health, the love of others) instead of what we lack. Trials can cause us to lose focus of our many blessings. A prayerful life is the key to gratitude. Ingratitude always leads to disappointment. A grateful person sees so much good in the world and can maintain a positive, optimistic attitude.
Following these admonitions of the Prophet of God can lead to maintaining the companionship of the Holy Ghost, which, in turn, brings peace and joy into our lives.
He who hath ears to hear...
Friday, September 3, 2010
I Knew It and I knew God Knew It
I have encountered some well-meaning (and some not-so-well-meaning)individuals who have commented that "God would never want someone to get divorced, you must be deceived (or unfaithful or unforgiving or unmerciful or don't have a true understanding of the atonement or (you fill in the blank since you have heard it too)".
At Education Week this year I heard a few presentations which were especially enlightening. Mark Beecher discussed the Pahoran Principle (Alma 60-61): being careful about forming opinions on situations that you don't have all the information. Family therapist Dr Rick Hawks talked about dealing with loved ones involved in addictions. He shared so many principles which gave encouragement to be able to move forward with faith. "Real love for the sinner may compel courageous confrontation, not acquiescence" (Russel M. Nelson Ensign May 1994). "Don't intervene or soften natural consequences for deliberate decisions to violate commandments" (Richard C. Scott Ensign 1993). He used the Prodigal Son parable to admonish us to utilize the Sword of Justice (tough love). The prodigal got to a point where "no man gave to him and he came to himself". He was not able to come to grips with his situation and turn his life around until there were some dire consequences. Dr Hawks strongly encourages individuals to seek and act on the personal inspiration of heaven (as opposed to running to therapists and Bishops for answers).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oXCuGvsThEw
Actually, it takes great faith and courage to act on inspiration you have received regarding your own personal life. There was a young fourteen year old boy who was treated very poorly by some people when he told them about his vision regarding the path he should take in his life. He recounted that although he was accused of being dishonest and was ridiculed, reviled and persecuted, he actually had received direction from God. He found the testimony of James to be true:that you can ask of God for wisdom and personal direction and actually obtain it. He now knew it and he knew it came from God! And he was able to withstand all manner of calumny throughout his life because of that sure knowledge.
At Education Week this year I heard a few presentations which were especially enlightening. Mark Beecher discussed the Pahoran Principle (Alma 60-61): being careful about forming opinions on situations that you don't have all the information. Family therapist Dr Rick Hawks talked about dealing with loved ones involved in addictions. He shared so many principles which gave encouragement to be able to move forward with faith. "Real love for the sinner may compel courageous confrontation, not acquiescence" (Russel M. Nelson Ensign May 1994). "Don't intervene or soften natural consequences for deliberate decisions to violate commandments" (Richard C. Scott Ensign 1993). He used the Prodigal Son parable to admonish us to utilize the Sword of Justice (tough love). The prodigal got to a point where "no man gave to him and he came to himself". He was not able to come to grips with his situation and turn his life around until there were some dire consequences. Dr Hawks strongly encourages individuals to seek and act on the personal inspiration of heaven (as opposed to running to therapists and Bishops for answers).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oXCuGvsThEw
Actually, it takes great faith and courage to act on inspiration you have received regarding your own personal life. There was a young fourteen year old boy who was treated very poorly by some people when he told them about his vision regarding the path he should take in his life. He recounted that although he was accused of being dishonest and was ridiculed, reviled and persecuted, he actually had received direction from God. He found the testimony of James to be true:that you can ask of God for wisdom and personal direction and actually obtain it. He now knew it and he knew it came from God! And he was able to withstand all manner of calumny throughout his life because of that sure knowledge.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Doing the Right Thing
Now that the divorce if final I went through all my therapy journals of the past 2 1/2 years; I stayed up until 3a.m. reading everything before I trash them. I realized how stubborn I was (and actually still am). At every 12 step meeting, every meeting with my therapist, and just about every conversation with my parents and sisters, I was admonished to tell my children how I was feeling and why. I repeatedly stuck with my mantra that I was not going to talk about our personal relationship; that would be disloyal to him and why would I want to damage their relationship with their father? His sexual perversion had nothing to do with them; what child needs to deal with that baggage? I had lived for 35 years without ever talking about my personal situation to a friend, sibling, or parent; why start now? He told them only about his addiction to porn. I did talk to some of them about that situation.
The result of my silence has been a lot of accusations: of not having faith in the atonement (that someone could be healed);of not being such a great wife; of not being a great mother; of being unforgiving, unloving and unmerciful; of being the aggressor in the divorce proceedings. It was very difficult to keep silent or try to defend myself, but I believed that when you are doing what is right, you should not have to defend yourself; God knows and ultimately will bless me for my desire to protect the relationship with their father.
I did write a note to one of my sons last week and explain to him the time line of our marriage problems; no details, just the fact that the problems began in the 70's, worsened in the early 80's, continued through the 90's and I discovered the porn in 2003 culminating in 2008 with my nervous breakdown over his phone sex. I tried to point out that they have been hearing only one side since our separation. My biggest worry is the condemning judgment some of my children continue to harbor. I try to share my testimony about the absolute necessity of our internalizing charity if we ever hope to enjoy eternal family relationships. All they seem to see is me as the biggest hypocrite because I obviously have no charity or forgiveness for their father. (If they only knew the truth)
I wondered last week if I had messed everything up so badly by not talking to the children. Was I just stubborn and wrong? Would everything be better today if I had just played the 'he said, she said' game every time I heard about something he had told them? Did not talking to them make me appear guilty of his accusations? I returned from the temple Tuesday and continued to ponder and pray about this. That night I received the distinct impression that "it is never wrong to do the right thing". The right thing is to continue to demonstrate charity and loyalty to the father of my children by keeping silent. In the end, this will be the most powerful lesson I will ever teach them. At first I cried, was depressed and withdrew from them when I felt judged/condemned. Today, I have finally turned the corner; life is looking up because I realize the tremendous growth and strength that has come from living by gospel covenants and principles.
Choose the right,there is peace is righteous doing!
The result of my silence has been a lot of accusations: of not having faith in the atonement (that someone could be healed);of not being such a great wife; of not being a great mother; of being unforgiving, unloving and unmerciful; of being the aggressor in the divorce proceedings. It was very difficult to keep silent or try to defend myself, but I believed that when you are doing what is right, you should not have to defend yourself; God knows and ultimately will bless me for my desire to protect the relationship with their father.
I did write a note to one of my sons last week and explain to him the time line of our marriage problems; no details, just the fact that the problems began in the 70's, worsened in the early 80's, continued through the 90's and I discovered the porn in 2003 culminating in 2008 with my nervous breakdown over his phone sex. I tried to point out that they have been hearing only one side since our separation. My biggest worry is the condemning judgment some of my children continue to harbor. I try to share my testimony about the absolute necessity of our internalizing charity if we ever hope to enjoy eternal family relationships. All they seem to see is me as the biggest hypocrite because I obviously have no charity or forgiveness for their father. (If they only knew the truth)
I wondered last week if I had messed everything up so badly by not talking to the children. Was I just stubborn and wrong? Would everything be better today if I had just played the 'he said, she said' game every time I heard about something he had told them? Did not talking to them make me appear guilty of his accusations? I returned from the temple Tuesday and continued to ponder and pray about this. That night I received the distinct impression that "it is never wrong to do the right thing". The right thing is to continue to demonstrate charity and loyalty to the father of my children by keeping silent. In the end, this will be the most powerful lesson I will ever teach them. At first I cried, was depressed and withdrew from them when I felt judged/condemned. Today, I have finally turned the corner; life is looking up because I realize the tremendous growth and strength that has come from living by gospel covenants and principles.
Choose the right,there is peace is righteous doing!
Monday, June 14, 2010
More Help, More Guilt
There is an article in the June Ensign titled, Pierced With Deep Wounds http://www.lds.org/churchmagazines/EN_2010_06_18___09206_000_020.pdf which is meant to be helpful and uplifting but it can also be hurtful and cause guilt. I'm always thankful for any Conference talks and articles which address this secret epidemic.
This sister had two things going for her which some of us do/did not:
1) Her husband loves her and wants to be with her, which, in one way, is demonstrated by
2) He confessed (and continues to confess)instead of being 'caught' and then 'admitting'.
Reuben J. Clark (of the First Presidency) said, "I would like to point out that to me there is a great difference between confession and admission after transgression is proved. I doubt much the efficacy of an admission as a confession" (April Conference 1950).
Take every talk, article, comment and be grateful for the exposure they bring to this tragedy that is being played out throughout the church. Only you are entitled to the revelation of the course you should take regarding a spouses addiction. You will have to find comfort in the assurances you receive from a loving Heavenly Father that you are still a valiant daughter of God no matter what course others are guided to take.
Be strong and of good courage!
This sister had two things going for her which some of us do/did not:
1) Her husband loves her and wants to be with her, which, in one way, is demonstrated by
2) He confessed (and continues to confess)instead of being 'caught' and then 'admitting'.
Reuben J. Clark (of the First Presidency) said, "I would like to point out that to me there is a great difference between confession and admission after transgression is proved. I doubt much the efficacy of an admission as a confession" (April Conference 1950).
Take every talk, article, comment and be grateful for the exposure they bring to this tragedy that is being played out throughout the church. Only you are entitled to the revelation of the course you should take regarding a spouses addiction. You will have to find comfort in the assurances you receive from a loving Heavenly Father that you are still a valiant daughter of God no matter what course others are guided to take.
Be strong and of good courage!
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