Baby Steps: the Beginning of Forgiveness

When a friend of mine discovered I had separated for the same reason she had divorced, she wrote to me :
"I remember how much pain I went through- how much guilt I felt. I agonized for years and spent too much time thinking my choices proved I was never going to be good enough, forgiving enough, loving enough, understanding enough, non-judgmental enough and so on for our Saviour to ever accept me as I am but how wrong I was! The mercy comes not in forgiving your ex but in forgiving yourself for having human limitations and for choosing your personal spiritual focus to bring more into your life than he can be compatible with right now. There comes a time when enough is enough- change is required."

One of the changes which was required was for me to learn the truth about forgiveness. Fred Luskin, in Forgive For Good writes what forgiveness IS:

It is for you and not for the offender
It is taking responsibility for how you feel
It is taking back your power by getting control over your feelings
It is about your healing and not about the people who hurt you
It is becoming a hero instead of a victim
It is the assertion that bad things will not ruin your today even though they may have spoiled your past
It is a choice

I believe one of the most important points in his list is that forgiveness can help us get control of our emotions so that we can make good decisions going forward.  Living in anger and pain; feeling like a victim; continually blaming someone else... all keep us stuck in the past wasting our energy on things we can do nothing about.
I spent too many months trapped in this cycle. Reading scriptures about forgiveness or having family members chide me about "seventy times seven" did not give me a correct understanding of this vital principle of the gospel. One fact that has been so true for me is that Heavenly Father does answer our heartfelt prayers but He sends the help in packets along the way as we are humble and demonstrate a sincere willingness to change. It is absolutely remarkable how books, people, ideas, talks, scriptures have come into my life as I became ready to receive them. It is an on-going process not an event.

Here is an outline from Forgive For Good:
Three core components which create a long-standing hurt:

1) The exaggerated taking of offense  There is a personal and an impersonal aspect to hurts. The personal side is that, yes, someone did something which hurt you; you don't need to pretend it didn't happen, make excuses for the offender or stay in the relationship. The impersonal side is that you are not the only person to have experienced this hurt (nor will you be the last). This hurt does not have to define you or your happiness for the rest of your life.

2) The blaming of the offender for how you feel When you are hurt, the first line of defense (and the easiest) is to look for a reason to explain why this happened. I have never been very good at looking inward first and asking "Is it I?" I usually am quick to see the error in others and use a scripture or talk to help the offender 'see the light' of what they did that was wrong. Another concept I have a hard time with is remembering that my feeling hurt does not automatically mean that someone meant to hurt me. We just can't ever really know what is inside someone else's head; why they act the way they do.  When we blame someone else for our hurt, we give them power over us. If it is someone else's fault, I need them to change in order to feel better. That is dangerous because those other people possibly don't care about you anyway. Luskin makes the point that holding someone accountable for their actions is not the same as blaming them for how you feel. There are consequences for their use of agency. Forgiveness allows us to reclaim our power (I choose how I will look at a situation) from people who hurt us through our holding on to blame and taking offences too personally.

3) Creating a grievance story This happens when something happens to us that we didn't want to happen (or something didn't happen that we wanted to happen) and then we think about it too much because we don't have the skills to manage our emotional pain. Dwelling on the event gives it power over you. 
Do you have a grievance?
          1. Do you think about the painful event more than you think about the things in your life that are good?
          2. When you think about this event do you become emotionally upset?
          3.  When you think about this event do you do so with the same repetitive thoughts?
          4.  Do you find yourself telling the story of what happened over and over in your mind
               (or to anyone who will listen to you)?

Ponder these three components. Ask yourself if you are stuck in any of these ways of thinking. When you can identify with them, you will be ready to begin the process of forgiveness.