Why Do We Need To Be Wanted / Loved?

My divorce was finalized this week. It was a difficult 28 months; it was a wonderful 28 months. I have learned so much about forgiveness, mercy, and charity that I have to be grateful for the tutoring God has given me. I've been made aware of many of my own personal weaknesses which has been a tremendous opportunity for me to repent and strive for sanctification. I can't tell you how many times Heavenly Father has protected me throughout these months (physically, financially, spiritually, emotionally); I've never felt closer to Him and seen His hand guiding me day in and day out (and through some tearful nights). I have agonized over my fears, seen many of them realized and then received an assurance that my faith in Christ - the life I have been living- will always overcome those fears (which come from the 'enemy of my soul').With all of these assurances, why do I still feel such pain at the rejection?

I understand that a civil divorce (like a civil marriage) has no effect on the sealing power of our temple ordinances; only sin will nullify that power. All the blessings of the ordinances of the temple are conditioned on individual faithfulness. We will enjoy eternal family relationships if we have incorporated charity into our natures. I've read and reread President Eyring's words in To Draw Closer To God and I know that we did not come to this earth to be loved but to give love and service to others. To be on the Lord's errand throughout our lives is such a lofty goal, one I strive to accomplish every day, but I have those moments when I wish there was someone who could love me.

I considered it a huge blessing that I was able to "let time confirm to me the rightness or wrongness of my decision" (as my bishop counseled me). People would say, "Oh, he's just dragging it out because he wants you back." He never told me he wanted me, which made those comments even more hurtful. In every encounter, the indifference was always there. I told my sister it would have made it so much more difficult if he had ever cried or said he wanted to be together.Instead, his behavior has reaffirmed to me where his heart is...and it has not been with me for many, many years. Will there be someone who will see anything worthwhile in me?

President Hinckley said,"Some men are enslaved in their own foolishness. They throw to the wind the most sacred and solemn of covenants they will ever make. They set aside their wives who have been faithful, who have loved and cared for them, who have struggled with them in times of poverty only to be discarded in times of affluence...often employing every kind of artifice to avoid payment of alimony." I have never felt antipathy for him; I actually feel like I am still his best friend/supporter. (Is that ridiculous?) I never expected him to make an issue about alimony. I was heartsick and took it too personally when he did. To quote President HInckley once again (recounting in General Priesthood Meeting a letter he received from a woman): "All I ever wanted was to feel cherished... please warn the brethren: pornography has the effect of damaging hearts and souls to their very depths, strangling the life out of relationships that should be sacred, hurting to the very core those you should love the most." (October conference, 2004)

In reading that talk again, I see that pesky "should". Feeling that people "should" love you and care about you sets you up for the fall doesn't it? I guess the most we can do is hope for the love and service we give to be reciprocated some day. I have been called a Pollyanna most of my life and I pray to be able to live up to it.

Charity, Take Ten

I haven't posted for a while. I've been through some emotional days/weeks/months. Sometimes I wondered how I could go on one more day but then someone would call or I would have an opportunity to serve someone else or I would open the scriptures and hear the Lord's voice talking directly to me so I went on one more day.

I have prayed so fervently for charity the past two years. What I receive is more opportunities to test, try, and prove to myself that I am making progress; that I can "walk the talk". Sheri Dew said, "Charity is not an emotion or action. It is not something we feel or do. Charity is who the Savior is. It is his most defining and dominant attribute. It is what enabled him to endure the cross. It is one of the things that make him God. When we plead for charity, we aren't asking for lovely feelings toward someone who bugs us or has wounded us. We are actually pleading for our very natures to be changed, for our character and disposition to become more like the Savior's so that we literally feel as He would feel and thus do what He would do."
If Life Were Easy, It Would Not Be Hard

Charity is the greatest of all the spiritual gifts. It is the most important attribute we need to incorporate. There is no eternal life without it. When I think I have understood it a little bit better and made some gains (knocking off some rough edges), along comes another misstep. It will be a lifelong pursuit, to be sure, so I will continue to plead for it which means I will continue to have opportunities to demonstrate whether it is a doctrine just in my head or whether it has truly penetrated the fleshy areas of my heart.

It, also, is a process not an event.