In Mosiah 10:12-17 you can discover the definition of the wicked traditions of the fathers. It is 1) feeling that you were WRONGED and 2) becoming WROTH over it
Isn't this exactly what we have been talking about with our grievance stories? We take offense at something someone has done (feel we were wronged) and then get angry about it and hold on to it for too long. In the Book of Mormon, it goes on for generations.
We have probably all been the recipient of false accusations and condemnation. The 'natural-man' reaction is to feel horribly wronged and then get really angry and possibly lash back at the offender. In the end, what does this really achieve? The offender feels justified in their attack because you are such a 'mean, angry person'. You feel miserable because it is impossible to have the Spirit with you when you are angry and attacking someone (mentally or verbally- because if you are thinking it, it will come out in your words and actions eventually).
President Hinckley lists HONESTY as one of the ten virtues which will heal our hearts and homes: "In our day, those found in dishonesty aren't put to death, but something within them dies. Character withers, self-respect vanishes, integrity dies." Can we keep this in mind and allow others to exercise their agency (to lie if they choose) and just feel pity for them?
He lists FORGIVENESS & MERCY as another virtue: "Hatred always fails and bitterness always destroys" Truly, hatred and bitterness ALWAYS destroys; it destroys our peace, it robs us of the Spirit, it always brings remorse of conscience.
Can we LET IT GO? Yes, you were wronged, but you can CHOOSE to not respond with anger. Choose to let it go; rely on the law of justice / the law of the harvest. My daughter reminds me that "Karma is a witch; what goes around always comes back around". I continually tell myself, "There is always an ultimate reaping of what we sow; Is this what I want to give myself...anger and bitterness? No! I want to receive mercy and forgiveness and kindness so that is what I send out mentally to those who offend me / lie about me / condemn me with their faulty perceptions and judgments.
Another of President Hinckley's virtues is OPTIMISM: "As we go through life, we accentuate the positive. I am asking that we look a little deeper for the good, that we still voices of insult and sarcasm, that we more generously compliment and endorse virtue and effort."
We can do it. We must do it. We have suffered enough already.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Comment on a comment
Anonymous asked a few posts back if I believe the 'mantra' will really make one a forgiving person. I don't know if your question is doubtful or hopeful but either way it's a good comment.
Forgiveness is for YOU. It is not something you give someone; you give it to yourself. I believe forgiveness is the feeling of peace you have because you are letting go of your grievance / grudge / anger / resentment. You are deciding you're done with blaming someone for how poorly you've been treated and how miserable you are. Forgiveness is you deciding to stop letting other people control you.
My experience with 'repeating the mantra' ("I hoped _____ would ______ but I acknowledge I have no control over the choices of other people. I choose to focus on beauty, gratitude and love.") is really similar to Alma 32 in the Book of Mormon. Alma compares the word (a teaching or a principle)to a seed. Planting (or experimenting on) the word on tithing; the word on love;the word on forgiveness or whatever, is the way to discern if it is a true or good seed.
Try it! Get the Forgive For Good book and exercise a particle of faith by experimenting on it. Pray for grace (that enabling power which is given to us through the atonement after all we can do). If you experience more frequent and longer periods of peace, you are truly becoming a forgiving person!
It doesn't matter what you decide to do about the relationship; becoming a forgiving and loving person begins to be 'delicious' to you. Then you will know (or have a testimony) that it is a good seed; that forgiveness is not only possible but preferable.
Forgiveness is for YOU. It is not something you give someone; you give it to yourself. I believe forgiveness is the feeling of peace you have because you are letting go of your grievance / grudge / anger / resentment. You are deciding you're done with blaming someone for how poorly you've been treated and how miserable you are. Forgiveness is you deciding to stop letting other people control you.
My experience with 'repeating the mantra' ("I hoped _____ would ______ but I acknowledge I have no control over the choices of other people. I choose to focus on beauty, gratitude and love.") is really similar to Alma 32 in the Book of Mormon. Alma compares the word (a teaching or a principle)to a seed. Planting (or experimenting on) the word on tithing; the word on love;the word on forgiveness or whatever, is the way to discern if it is a true or good seed.
Try it! Get the Forgive For Good book and exercise a particle of faith by experimenting on it. Pray for grace (that enabling power which is given to us through the atonement after all we can do). If you experience more frequent and longer periods of peace, you are truly becoming a forgiving person!
It doesn't matter what you decide to do about the relationship; becoming a forgiving and loving person begins to be 'delicious' to you. Then you will know (or have a testimony) that it is a good seed; that forgiveness is not only possible but preferable.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
The Fourth Stage of Becoming a Forgiving Person
I skipped Luskin's first three stages and want to focus on the most difficult and most powerful: becoming a forgiving person. At this stage you become resistant to taking offense. You take less personal offense; you are convinced YOU are responsible for how you feel and you tell hero stories.It does not mean we become a doormat or condone unkindness. You understand people are not perfect and we can expect them to hurt us sometimes.
* I want to react well when things do not go the way I want. I can forgive myself, forgive others and forgive life.
* Life comes with positive and unpleasant situations. Can I expect to have only good experiences come my way? I hope for the good and know I can forgive the bad.
* Life is a challenge. I want to be a survivor not a victim. (Like Joshua, I can say, "Give me this mountain!" to each hurtful situation. It becomes an opportunity for me to prove to myself I can be a forgiving person and live life as lovingly and full as possible.)
* Life is filled with beauty. I don't want to miss anything because I am stuck in remembering and holding on to old wounds.
* People do the best they can; the best way to help them when they err is offer understanding (or at least sympathy- I don't have understanding about some life-style choices people make.)
* I am not perfect. How can I expect anyone else to be?
Disappointments, hurts and wounds occur in all relationships. Sometimes people hurt us because they do what they want to do instead of what we want them to do. When you allow people to be different, you can forgive them. (You don't have to stay with them but you can allow them their choices and let go of your judgmental attitude; there is no peace in judging others. The only peace I have found is in charity-looking at others the way Heavenly Father looks at and loves them.)
The fourth level of forgiveness means we take the opportunity to forgive whenever we can. We understand how common it is to be hurt. We look to make peace. We look to give people the benefit of the doubt. We do not become a doormat but you understand the limitations of your point of view. (I ask myself, "Do I want to hold on to this bad feeling?" "Do I think I can take this feeling to the judgment bar of God and attempt to condemn the person?" "Am I the judge, jury and executioner here?")
Towards some people we feel such love that we are easily at the fourth stage: openhearted and and ready to forgive. Forgiving them does not mean we approve of all they do; it means we acknowledge our hurts but do not make the child or spouse the enemy. We have a reservoir of love that we can draw upon that allows us access to forgiveness. There are other people who have hurt you and you have no reservoir of goodwill to draw upon. Forgive For Good is written for these people.
* I want to react well when things do not go the way I want. I can forgive myself, forgive others and forgive life.
* Life comes with positive and unpleasant situations. Can I expect to have only good experiences come my way? I hope for the good and know I can forgive the bad.
* Life is a challenge. I want to be a survivor not a victim. (Like Joshua, I can say, "Give me this mountain!" to each hurtful situation. It becomes an opportunity for me to prove to myself I can be a forgiving person and live life as lovingly and full as possible.)
* Life is filled with beauty. I don't want to miss anything because I am stuck in remembering and holding on to old wounds.
* People do the best they can; the best way to help them when they err is offer understanding (or at least sympathy- I don't have understanding about some life-style choices people make.)
* I am not perfect. How can I expect anyone else to be?
Disappointments, hurts and wounds occur in all relationships. Sometimes people hurt us because they do what they want to do instead of what we want them to do. When you allow people to be different, you can forgive them. (You don't have to stay with them but you can allow them their choices and let go of your judgmental attitude; there is no peace in judging others. The only peace I have found is in charity-looking at others the way Heavenly Father looks at and loves them.)
The fourth level of forgiveness means we take the opportunity to forgive whenever we can. We understand how common it is to be hurt. We look to make peace. We look to give people the benefit of the doubt. We do not become a doormat but you understand the limitations of your point of view. (I ask myself, "Do I want to hold on to this bad feeling?" "Do I think I can take this feeling to the judgment bar of God and attempt to condemn the person?" "Am I the judge, jury and executioner here?")
Towards some people we feel such love that we are easily at the fourth stage: openhearted and and ready to forgive. Forgiving them does not mean we approve of all they do; it means we acknowledge our hurts but do not make the child or spouse the enemy. We have a reservoir of love that we can draw upon that allows us access to forgiveness. There are other people who have hurt you and you have no reservoir of goodwill to draw upon. Forgive For Good is written for these people.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
A New Vision
Have you noticed that forgiveness changes how you look at the situation (and life in general)? As your story changes from the grievance story to the hero story, you realize that you have power and self-confidence. It all begins in your own head. You may not be able to make your spouse (or children) love you or care about you but you can change the way you think, feel and talk about the situation.
In Color Your Future,Taylor Hartman shares a scenario I found incredibly relevant to my own life:
Heroes embrace the fullness life offers. They are motivated by love, not fear. They stretch to enhance the lives of others, refusing to live for themselves alone. They accept that the winter times in life are inevitable, and learn to appreciate the solace of the spring.
He shares the experience of a client who came to him after years of living out the script of a victim which read something like this:
Be unhappy; play the part of loyal wife;don't talk to anyone about your pain, your sorrow; hide your feelings;care for the children; ask too little of your husband;resent not having priesthood leadership in your home; ask too much of yourself; use your children / grandchildren to replace what you should have had with him; hate your husband for not being faithful;be suspicious;feel powerless;be afraid of rejection; ;feel trapped;feel like a prostitute; feel like a victim! (I added some of my own script)
One day after years of blindly following her self-destructive script, she woke up and decided to abandon the old script. She filed for divorce. She sought nothing but a new role for herself and an opportunity to rewrite her script. She wished that some of the players from her old play would consider being in her new play as well. Others were not welcome. There were no roles in her new script for their limited character. Those deleted from her new script were furious. "How dare she? She will fall flat on her face! She would have been smarter to stay in her limited, albeit financially secure world rather than have to financially struggle to survive."
One friend applauded her for her courage. Some of her children understood their mother's motives for re-scripting her life and chose to play roles in both of their parents' lives. Others resented their mother for her sudden rewriting of the story line, and punished her by writing themselves out of her script. Some responses she expected. Others she didn't. Some people threatened to destroy her and send her groveling back to the script she had known too well and played for too long.
Displaying quiet dignity and courage, she scripted her new role:
Remember who you truly are (you are not who others say you are); like yourself; listen to the Holy Ghost and follow every prompting;incorporate charity into every facet of your life; remember there is only one primary relationship of eternal value-with your Savior; see good in everyone;remember the Law of the Harvest and give others what you eventually want to receive for yourself;forgive and extend compassion; exercise; laugh out loud; cry; connect with others; lift and bless others with your presence; try new things; eliminate fear; live on less; smile when you talk; serve with all your heart; live only in the now-this day might be all there is so live it purposefully; be kind; spend more time with kind, loving people; express gratitude for 1 new thing every day; make a difference in the world each day; remember Groundhog Day- BE A HERO! (This is my new script, not his client's)
"Be a hero," she mused. "So unnatural, so uncomfortable- yet so right. But I have no role models, no track record, no money..." NO MONEY!" she yelled out loud. "I have no money. I must be crazy to think I can pull this off. Who am I trying to kid?"
"You're not crazy and you are going to pull this off", a voice said, "Just keep rewriting your script one day at a time. It's just a new twist in your path. Take the new step. I believe in you. I've been waiting a long time for us to walk this road together." This was a voice she could trust; it believed in her. It was her inner core, demanding to be heard.
I think I was at a bookstore on one of my Saturday night 'dates' when I read this. I can't tell you how this resonated with me. From the people who wrote themselves out of my life to the little voice within; it was my story. Hartman goes on to say, "The (hero) charactered path offers no guarantees of comforting companionship. Your solace must come from within yourself. You must remain resolute in the face of ridicule and rejection to bestow your gift on those you CAN serve. You must walk some of the way alone. However, you will become less concerned with others' permission to risk, and more enticed by your opportunities to serve."
James Allen said, "You must have faith in the Supreme, faith in the overruling law (of love), faith in your work and your power to accomplish that work. You must follow under all circumstances the highest promptings within you. You must always be true to the divine self, to rely upon the inward light, the inward voice. Work joyfully and peacefully, knowing that right thoughts and right efforts will inevitably bring about right results."
Somewhere in James Allen's writings he talks about how when you are on the right path, books and people will come unbidden into your life at just the opportune time.
I have found that to be so true and such an incredible blessing; like those "little packets of help sent from a loving Heavenly Father" that Elder Scott talks about. All the help adds up to a comforting witness that God does indeed answer our prayers. That 'grace'(or enabling power) comes after all we can do on our own. Our first step has to be changing our thoughts; looking at the situation with the mind of Christ. Accepting the agency of mankind is so vitally important.
In Color Your Future,Taylor Hartman shares a scenario I found incredibly relevant to my own life:
Heroes embrace the fullness life offers. They are motivated by love, not fear. They stretch to enhance the lives of others, refusing to live for themselves alone. They accept that the winter times in life are inevitable, and learn to appreciate the solace of the spring.
He shares the experience of a client who came to him after years of living out the script of a victim which read something like this:
Be unhappy; play the part of loyal wife;don't talk to anyone about your pain, your sorrow; hide your feelings;care for the children; ask too little of your husband;resent not having priesthood leadership in your home; ask too much of yourself; use your children / grandchildren to replace what you should have had with him; hate your husband for not being faithful;be suspicious;feel powerless;be afraid of rejection; ;feel trapped;feel like a prostitute; feel like a victim! (I added some of my own script)
One day after years of blindly following her self-destructive script, she woke up and decided to abandon the old script. She filed for divorce. She sought nothing but a new role for herself and an opportunity to rewrite her script. She wished that some of the players from her old play would consider being in her new play as well. Others were not welcome. There were no roles in her new script for their limited character. Those deleted from her new script were furious. "How dare she? She will fall flat on her face! She would have been smarter to stay in her limited, albeit financially secure world rather than have to financially struggle to survive."
One friend applauded her for her courage. Some of her children understood their mother's motives for re-scripting her life and chose to play roles in both of their parents' lives. Others resented their mother for her sudden rewriting of the story line, and punished her by writing themselves out of her script. Some responses she expected. Others she didn't. Some people threatened to destroy her and send her groveling back to the script she had known too well and played for too long.
Displaying quiet dignity and courage, she scripted her new role:
Remember who you truly are (you are not who others say you are); like yourself; listen to the Holy Ghost and follow every prompting;incorporate charity into every facet of your life; remember there is only one primary relationship of eternal value-with your Savior; see good in everyone;remember the Law of the Harvest and give others what you eventually want to receive for yourself;forgive and extend compassion; exercise; laugh out loud; cry; connect with others; lift and bless others with your presence; try new things; eliminate fear; live on less; smile when you talk; serve with all your heart; live only in the now-this day might be all there is so live it purposefully; be kind; spend more time with kind, loving people; express gratitude for 1 new thing every day; make a difference in the world each day; remember Groundhog Day- BE A HERO! (This is my new script, not his client's)
"Be a hero," she mused. "So unnatural, so uncomfortable- yet so right. But I have no role models, no track record, no money..." NO MONEY!" she yelled out loud. "I have no money. I must be crazy to think I can pull this off. Who am I trying to kid?"
"You're not crazy and you are going to pull this off", a voice said, "Just keep rewriting your script one day at a time. It's just a new twist in your path. Take the new step. I believe in you. I've been waiting a long time for us to walk this road together." This was a voice she could trust; it believed in her. It was her inner core, demanding to be heard.
I think I was at a bookstore on one of my Saturday night 'dates' when I read this. I can't tell you how this resonated with me. From the people who wrote themselves out of my life to the little voice within; it was my story. Hartman goes on to say, "The (hero) charactered path offers no guarantees of comforting companionship. Your solace must come from within yourself. You must remain resolute in the face of ridicule and rejection to bestow your gift on those you CAN serve. You must walk some of the way alone. However, you will become less concerned with others' permission to risk, and more enticed by your opportunities to serve."
James Allen said, "You must have faith in the Supreme, faith in the overruling law (of love), faith in your work and your power to accomplish that work. You must follow under all circumstances the highest promptings within you. You must always be true to the divine self, to rely upon the inward light, the inward voice. Work joyfully and peacefully, knowing that right thoughts and right efforts will inevitably bring about right results."
Somewhere in James Allen's writings he talks about how when you are on the right path, books and people will come unbidden into your life at just the opportune time.
I have found that to be so true and such an incredible blessing; like those "little packets of help sent from a loving Heavenly Father" that Elder Scott talks about. All the help adds up to a comforting witness that God does indeed answer our prayers. That 'grace'(or enabling power) comes after all we can do on our own. Our first step has to be changing our thoughts; looking at the situation with the mind of Christ. Accepting the agency of mankind is so vitally important.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Challenging Your Unenforcable Rules
Underneath your painful feelings of anger and hopelessness are the rules you are still trying to enforce...your'shoulds'. You can challenge those unenforceable rules by changing the way you think (as opposed to trying to change the other person).
Am I demanding that other people treat me better than they do?
Am I demanding my past be better than it was?
Am I demanding my life be easier than it is or turn out more fair than it has?
You can not change the past but you can HOPE and WORK for a better future. My application of this idea:
I took his addiction to porn too personally. I saw it as a rejection of me and a rejection of marriage/temple covenants of chastity and fidelity. A lot of people are involved in porn; initially it is a choice they make. I could not control his choices no matter how hard I tried or how badly I wanted to. I could not make him love me and be loyal to me. I am not the first, nor will I be the last person to get a divorce because of a spouses choices. When I settled down in my thinking (got past the anger), I realized he did not show the signs of wanting to change. Forgiveness, to me, means saying, "I hoped I would have a loving, loyal eternal companion but I acknowledge I can not control the choices of others." This enabled me to move forward continuing to live the principles of the gospel (including and especially charity; seeing God's children as He sees them) with HOPE for a faithful partner in the future.
As you practice challenging the way you think, you will gain control over how you feel. As you concentrate on the beauty in life, the love you feel for others, and express gratitude for all that you do have, the hurts and grievances have less power to disturb you. You have increased self-confidence. Your story shifts from attention on the hurt to your emerging power; from a grievance story where you are the victim to a hero story. Forgiveness means that you are in control. You may not be able to make your spouse love you or your children care about you but you can change the way you think about the situation and change the way you talk about the situation.
James Allen wrote: Shake off the delusion that you are being injured or oppressed by another, and try to realize that you are only really injured by what is within you. There is no practice more degrading and soul-destroying than that of self-pity. Cast it out from you. While such a canker is feeding upon your heart, you can never expect to grow into a fuller life.
It is sad when things don't turn out the way we hoped they would but there is a difference between sadness and hopelessness. The difference is whether you are holding on to those unenforceable rules-your 'shoulds'. LET THEM GO!
Am I demanding that other people treat me better than they do?
Am I demanding my past be better than it was?
Am I demanding my life be easier than it is or turn out more fair than it has?
You can not change the past but you can HOPE and WORK for a better future. My application of this idea:
I took his addiction to porn too personally. I saw it as a rejection of me and a rejection of marriage/temple covenants of chastity and fidelity. A lot of people are involved in porn; initially it is a choice they make. I could not control his choices no matter how hard I tried or how badly I wanted to. I could not make him love me and be loyal to me. I am not the first, nor will I be the last person to get a divorce because of a spouses choices. When I settled down in my thinking (got past the anger), I realized he did not show the signs of wanting to change. Forgiveness, to me, means saying, "I hoped I would have a loving, loyal eternal companion but I acknowledge I can not control the choices of others." This enabled me to move forward continuing to live the principles of the gospel (including and especially charity; seeing God's children as He sees them) with HOPE for a faithful partner in the future.
As you practice challenging the way you think, you will gain control over how you feel. As you concentrate on the beauty in life, the love you feel for others, and express gratitude for all that you do have, the hurts and grievances have less power to disturb you. You have increased self-confidence. Your story shifts from attention on the hurt to your emerging power; from a grievance story where you are the victim to a hero story. Forgiveness means that you are in control. You may not be able to make your spouse love you or your children care about you but you can change the way you think about the situation and change the way you talk about the situation.
James Allen wrote: Shake off the delusion that you are being injured or oppressed by another, and try to realize that you are only really injured by what is within you. There is no practice more degrading and soul-destroying than that of self-pity. Cast it out from you. While such a canker is feeding upon your heart, you can never expect to grow into a fuller life.
It is sad when things don't turn out the way we hoped they would but there is a difference between sadness and hopelessness. The difference is whether you are holding on to those unenforceable rules-your 'shoulds'. LET THEM GO!
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