I really am enjoying this book by Elizabeth Gilbert. There are 2-3 f-bombs but I highly recommend this book. An excerpt from Chapter 58:
"My prayers are becoming more deliberate and specific. It has occurred to me that it's not much use to send prayers out to the universe that are lazy. Of course God already knows what I need. The question is- do I know? Casting yourself at God's feet in helpless desparation is all well and good- heaven knows, I've done it myself plenty of times- but ultimately you're likely to get more out of the experience if you can take some action on your end. (See Ether 2:23, come up with a plan- not in the book)
Prayer is a relationship; half the job is mine. If I want more transformation, but can't even be bothered to articulate what, exactly, I'm aiming for, how will it ever occur? Half the benefit of prayer is in the asking itself, in the offering of a clearly posed and well-considered intention. If you don't have this, all your plans and desires are boneless, floppy, inert;they swirl at your feet in a cold fog and never lift. So now I take the time every morning to search myself for specificity about what I am truly asking for. I kneel there in the temple with my face on the cold marble for as long as it takes me to formulate an authentic prayer. If I don't feel sincere, then I will stay there on the floor until I do. What worked yesterday doesn't always work today. Prayers can become stale and drone into the boring and familiar if you let your attention stagnate. In making an effort to stay alert, I am assuming custodial responsibility for my own soul.
Destiny, I feel, is also a relationship- a play between divine grace and willful self-effort. Half of it you have no control over; half of it is absolutely in your hands, and your actions will show measurable consequence. What do I need to stop worrying about because it's not under my control, and which do I need to (work on) with concentrated effort?
There is so much about my fate I cannot control but other things do fall under my jurisdiction. I can decide how I will spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I eat, read and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life- whether I will see them as curses or opportunities (and on occasion when I can't rise to the most optimistic viewpoint, because I am feeling too sorry for myself, I can choose to keep trying to change my outlook). I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can change my thoughts.
This last concept is a radically new idea for me. It was brought to my attention recently when I was complaining about my inability to stop brooding. "You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select what clothes you're gonna wear every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things so bad, work on the mind. That's the only thing you should be trying to control. Drop everything else but that. Because if you can't learn to master your thinking, you're in deep trouble forever."
On first glance this is seems a nearly impossible task. Control your own thoughts instead of the other way around? But imagine if you could? This is not about repression or denial. Repression and denial set up elaborate games to pretend that negative thoughts and feelings are not occurring. What he is talking about is admitting to the existence of negative thoughts, understanding where they came from and why they arrived, and then- with great forgiveness and fortitude- dismissing them. It's a sacrifice to let them go, of course. It's like the loss of old habits, comforting old grudges and familiar vignettes. Of course, this always takes patience and effort. It's not a teaching that you can hear once and then expect to master immediately. It's constant vigilance and I want to do it. I need to do it, for my strength.
So I've started being vigilant about watching my thoughts all day and monitoring them. I repeat this vow about 700 times a day: "I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore." Every time a diminishing thought arises, I repeat the vow. Harbor is a noun as well as a verb. A harbor, of course, is a place of refuge, a port of entry. The harbor of my mind is an open bay, the only access to the island of my Self. This island has been through some wars, it is true, but it is now committed to peace, under new leadership (me) who has instituted new policies to protect the place. And now- let the word go out across the seven seas- there are much, much stricter laws on the books about who may enter this harbor.
You may not come here anymore with your hard and abusive thoughts, with your plague-ships of thoughts, with your warships of thoughts- all these will be turned away. Likewise, any thoughts that are filled with angry or starving exiles, with malcontents, mutineers, violent assassins and seditious stowaways- you may not come here anymore either. This is a peaceful harbor, the entryway to a fine and proud island that is only now beginning to cultivate tranquillity. If you can abide by these new laws, my dear thoughts, then you are welcome in my mind- otherwise, I shall turn you all back toward the sea from whence you came.
That is my mission, and it will never end."
Check out this book!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Recent Prophetic Admonitions For Happiness
What a blessing to hear from President Monson twice now in an eight day period. To the sisters of the church he said to let go of judging and criticizing others. Several humorous examples were shared to demonstrate his point. He quoted Mother Theresa as saying, "When we are criticizing others, we don't have time to love them." He said that life is perfect for none of us; rather than be critical demonstrate charity. He left us his blessing, "May it (charity) permeate your soul and find itself manifest in all your actions".
//lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-1298-39,00.html
To the church this morning he admonished an attitude of gratitude. Focus on our blessings (family, friends, health, the love of others) instead of what we lack. Trials can cause us to lose focus of our many blessings. A prayerful life is the key to gratitude. Ingratitude always leads to disappointment. A grateful person sees so much good in the world and can maintain a positive, optimistic attitude.
Following these admonitions of the Prophet of God can lead to maintaining the companionship of the Holy Ghost, which, in turn, brings peace and joy into our lives.
He who hath ears to hear...
//lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-1298-39,00.html
To the church this morning he admonished an attitude of gratitude. Focus on our blessings (family, friends, health, the love of others) instead of what we lack. Trials can cause us to lose focus of our many blessings. A prayerful life is the key to gratitude. Ingratitude always leads to disappointment. A grateful person sees so much good in the world and can maintain a positive, optimistic attitude.
Following these admonitions of the Prophet of God can lead to maintaining the companionship of the Holy Ghost, which, in turn, brings peace and joy into our lives.
He who hath ears to hear...
Friday, September 3, 2010
I Knew It and I knew God Knew It
I have encountered some well-meaning (and some not-so-well-meaning)individuals who have commented that "God would never want someone to get divorced, you must be deceived (or unfaithful or unforgiving or unmerciful or don't have a true understanding of the atonement or (you fill in the blank since you have heard it too)".
At Education Week this year I heard a few presentations which were especially enlightening. Mark Beecher discussed the Pahoran Principle (Alma 60-61): being careful about forming opinions on situations that you don't have all the information. Family therapist Dr Rick Hawks talked about dealing with loved ones involved in addictions. He shared so many principles which gave encouragement to be able to move forward with faith. "Real love for the sinner may compel courageous confrontation, not acquiescence" (Russel M. Nelson Ensign May 1994). "Don't intervene or soften natural consequences for deliberate decisions to violate commandments" (Richard C. Scott Ensign 1993). He used the Prodigal Son parable to admonish us to utilize the Sword of Justice (tough love). The prodigal got to a point where "no man gave to him and he came to himself". He was not able to come to grips with his situation and turn his life around until there were some dire consequences. Dr Hawks strongly encourages individuals to seek and act on the personal inspiration of heaven (as opposed to running to therapists and Bishops for answers).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oXCuGvsThEw
Actually, it takes great faith and courage to act on inspiration you have received regarding your own personal life. There was a young fourteen year old boy who was treated very poorly by some people when he told them about his vision regarding the path he should take in his life. He recounted that although he was accused of being dishonest and was ridiculed, reviled and persecuted, he actually had received direction from God. He found the testimony of James to be true:that you can ask of God for wisdom and personal direction and actually obtain it. He now knew it and he knew it came from God! And he was able to withstand all manner of calumny throughout his life because of that sure knowledge.
At Education Week this year I heard a few presentations which were especially enlightening. Mark Beecher discussed the Pahoran Principle (Alma 60-61): being careful about forming opinions on situations that you don't have all the information. Family therapist Dr Rick Hawks talked about dealing with loved ones involved in addictions. He shared so many principles which gave encouragement to be able to move forward with faith. "Real love for the sinner may compel courageous confrontation, not acquiescence" (Russel M. Nelson Ensign May 1994). "Don't intervene or soften natural consequences for deliberate decisions to violate commandments" (Richard C. Scott Ensign 1993). He used the Prodigal Son parable to admonish us to utilize the Sword of Justice (tough love). The prodigal got to a point where "no man gave to him and he came to himself". He was not able to come to grips with his situation and turn his life around until there were some dire consequences. Dr Hawks strongly encourages individuals to seek and act on the personal inspiration of heaven (as opposed to running to therapists and Bishops for answers).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oXCuGvsThEw
Actually, it takes great faith and courage to act on inspiration you have received regarding your own personal life. There was a young fourteen year old boy who was treated very poorly by some people when he told them about his vision regarding the path he should take in his life. He recounted that although he was accused of being dishonest and was ridiculed, reviled and persecuted, he actually had received direction from God. He found the testimony of James to be true:that you can ask of God for wisdom and personal direction and actually obtain it. He now knew it and he knew it came from God! And he was able to withstand all manner of calumny throughout his life because of that sure knowledge.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Doing the Right Thing
Now that the divorce if final I went through all my therapy journals of the past 2 1/2 years; I stayed up until 3a.m. reading everything before I trash them. I realized how stubborn I was (and actually still am). At every 12 step meeting, every meeting with my therapist, and just about every conversation with my parents and sisters, I was admonished to tell my children how I was feeling and why. I repeatedly stuck with my mantra that I was not going to talk about our personal relationship; that would be disloyal to him and why would I want to damage their relationship with their father? His sexual perversion had nothing to do with them; what child needs to deal with that baggage? I had lived for 35 years without ever talking about my personal situation to a friend, sibling, or parent; why start now? He told them only about his addiction to porn. I did talk to some of them about that situation.
The result of my silence has been a lot of accusations: of not having faith in the atonement (that someone could be healed);of not being such a great wife; of not being a great mother; of being unforgiving, unloving and unmerciful; of being the aggressor in the divorce proceedings. It was very difficult to keep silent or try to defend myself, but I believed that when you are doing what is right, you should not have to defend yourself; God knows and ultimately will bless me for my desire to protect the relationship with their father.
I did write a note to one of my sons last week and explain to him the time line of our marriage problems; no details, just the fact that the problems began in the 70's, worsened in the early 80's, continued through the 90's and I discovered the porn in 2003 culminating in 2008 with my nervous breakdown over his phone sex. I tried to point out that they have been hearing only one side since our separation. My biggest worry is the condemning judgment some of my children continue to harbor. I try to share my testimony about the absolute necessity of our internalizing charity if we ever hope to enjoy eternal family relationships. All they seem to see is me as the biggest hypocrite because I obviously have no charity or forgiveness for their father. (If they only knew the truth)
I wondered last week if I had messed everything up so badly by not talking to the children. Was I just stubborn and wrong? Would everything be better today if I had just played the 'he said, she said' game every time I heard about something he had told them? Did not talking to them make me appear guilty of his accusations? I returned from the temple Tuesday and continued to ponder and pray about this. That night I received the distinct impression that "it is never wrong to do the right thing". The right thing is to continue to demonstrate charity and loyalty to the father of my children by keeping silent. In the end, this will be the most powerful lesson I will ever teach them. At first I cried, was depressed and withdrew from them when I felt judged/condemned. Today, I have finally turned the corner; life is looking up because I realize the tremendous growth and strength that has come from living by gospel covenants and principles.
Choose the right,there is peace is righteous doing!
The result of my silence has been a lot of accusations: of not having faith in the atonement (that someone could be healed);of not being such a great wife; of not being a great mother; of being unforgiving, unloving and unmerciful; of being the aggressor in the divorce proceedings. It was very difficult to keep silent or try to defend myself, but I believed that when you are doing what is right, you should not have to defend yourself; God knows and ultimately will bless me for my desire to protect the relationship with their father.
I did write a note to one of my sons last week and explain to him the time line of our marriage problems; no details, just the fact that the problems began in the 70's, worsened in the early 80's, continued through the 90's and I discovered the porn in 2003 culminating in 2008 with my nervous breakdown over his phone sex. I tried to point out that they have been hearing only one side since our separation. My biggest worry is the condemning judgment some of my children continue to harbor. I try to share my testimony about the absolute necessity of our internalizing charity if we ever hope to enjoy eternal family relationships. All they seem to see is me as the biggest hypocrite because I obviously have no charity or forgiveness for their father. (If they only knew the truth)
I wondered last week if I had messed everything up so badly by not talking to the children. Was I just stubborn and wrong? Would everything be better today if I had just played the 'he said, she said' game every time I heard about something he had told them? Did not talking to them make me appear guilty of his accusations? I returned from the temple Tuesday and continued to ponder and pray about this. That night I received the distinct impression that "it is never wrong to do the right thing". The right thing is to continue to demonstrate charity and loyalty to the father of my children by keeping silent. In the end, this will be the most powerful lesson I will ever teach them. At first I cried, was depressed and withdrew from them when I felt judged/condemned. Today, I have finally turned the corner; life is looking up because I realize the tremendous growth and strength that has come from living by gospel covenants and principles.
Choose the right,there is peace is righteous doing!
Monday, June 14, 2010
More Help, More Guilt
There is an article in the June Ensign titled, Pierced With Deep Wounds http://www.lds.org/churchmagazines/EN_2010_06_18___09206_000_020.pdf which is meant to be helpful and uplifting but it can also be hurtful and cause guilt. I'm always thankful for any Conference talks and articles which address this secret epidemic.
This sister had two things going for her which some of us do/did not:
1) Her husband loves her and wants to be with her, which, in one way, is demonstrated by
2) He confessed (and continues to confess)instead of being 'caught' and then 'admitting'.
Reuben J. Clark (of the First Presidency) said, "I would like to point out that to me there is a great difference between confession and admission after transgression is proved. I doubt much the efficacy of an admission as a confession" (April Conference 1950).
Take every talk, article, comment and be grateful for the exposure they bring to this tragedy that is being played out throughout the church. Only you are entitled to the revelation of the course you should take regarding a spouses addiction. You will have to find comfort in the assurances you receive from a loving Heavenly Father that you are still a valiant daughter of God no matter what course others are guided to take.
Be strong and of good courage!
This sister had two things going for her which some of us do/did not:
1) Her husband loves her and wants to be with her, which, in one way, is demonstrated by
2) He confessed (and continues to confess)instead of being 'caught' and then 'admitting'.
Reuben J. Clark (of the First Presidency) said, "I would like to point out that to me there is a great difference between confession and admission after transgression is proved. I doubt much the efficacy of an admission as a confession" (April Conference 1950).
Take every talk, article, comment and be grateful for the exposure they bring to this tragedy that is being played out throughout the church. Only you are entitled to the revelation of the course you should take regarding a spouses addiction. You will have to find comfort in the assurances you receive from a loving Heavenly Father that you are still a valiant daughter of God no matter what course others are guided to take.
Be strong and of good courage!
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Why Do We Need To Be Wanted / Loved?
My divorce was finalized this week. It was a difficult 28 months; it was a wonderful 28 months. I have learned so much about forgiveness, mercy, and charity that I have to be grateful for the tutoring God has given me. I've been made aware of many of my own personal weaknesses which has been a tremendous opportunity for me to repent and strive for sanctification. I can't tell you how many times Heavenly Father has protected me throughout these months (physically, financially, spiritually, emotionally); I've never felt closer to Him and seen His hand guiding me day in and day out (and through some tearful nights). I have agonized over my fears, seen many of them realized and then received an assurance that my faith in Christ - the life I have been living- will always overcome those fears (which come from the 'enemy of my soul').With all of these assurances, why do I still feel such pain at the rejection?
I understand that a civil divorce (like a civil marriage) has no effect on the sealing power of our temple ordinances; only sin will nullify that power. All the blessings of the ordinances of the temple are conditioned on individual faithfulness. We will enjoy eternal family relationships if we have incorporated charity into our natures. I've read and reread President Eyring's words in To Draw Closer To God and I know that we did not come to this earth to be loved but to give love and service to others. To be on the Lord's errand throughout our lives is such a lofty goal, one I strive to accomplish every day, but I have those moments when I wish there was someone who could love me.
I considered it a huge blessing that I was able to "let time confirm to me the rightness or wrongness of my decision" (as my bishop counseled me). People would say, "Oh, he's just dragging it out because he wants you back." He never told me he wanted me, which made those comments even more hurtful. In every encounter, the indifference was always there. I told my sister it would have made it so much more difficult if he had ever cried or said he wanted to be together.Instead, his behavior has reaffirmed to me where his heart is...and it has not been with me for many, many years. Will there be someone who will see anything worthwhile in me?
President Hinckley said,"Some men are enslaved in their own foolishness. They throw to the wind the most sacred and solemn of covenants they will ever make. They set aside their wives who have been faithful, who have loved and cared for them, who have struggled with them in times of poverty only to be discarded in times of affluence...often employing every kind of artifice to avoid payment of alimony." I have never felt antipathy for him; I actually feel like I am still his best friend/supporter. (Is that ridiculous?) I never expected him to make an issue about alimony. I was heartsick and took it too personally when he did. To quote President HInckley once again (recounting in General Priesthood Meeting a letter he received from a woman): "All I ever wanted was to feel cherished... please warn the brethren: pornography has the effect of damaging hearts and souls to their very depths, strangling the life out of relationships that should be sacred, hurting to the very core those you should love the most." (October conference, 2004)
In reading that talk again, I see that pesky "should". Feeling that people "should" love you and care about you sets you up for the fall doesn't it? I guess the most we can do is hope for the love and service we give to be reciprocated some day. I have been called a Pollyanna most of my life and I pray to be able to live up to it.
I understand that a civil divorce (like a civil marriage) has no effect on the sealing power of our temple ordinances; only sin will nullify that power. All the blessings of the ordinances of the temple are conditioned on individual faithfulness. We will enjoy eternal family relationships if we have incorporated charity into our natures. I've read and reread President Eyring's words in To Draw Closer To God and I know that we did not come to this earth to be loved but to give love and service to others. To be on the Lord's errand throughout our lives is such a lofty goal, one I strive to accomplish every day, but I have those moments when I wish there was someone who could love me.
I considered it a huge blessing that I was able to "let time confirm to me the rightness or wrongness of my decision" (as my bishop counseled me). People would say, "Oh, he's just dragging it out because he wants you back." He never told me he wanted me, which made those comments even more hurtful. In every encounter, the indifference was always there. I told my sister it would have made it so much more difficult if he had ever cried or said he wanted to be together.Instead, his behavior has reaffirmed to me where his heart is...and it has not been with me for many, many years. Will there be someone who will see anything worthwhile in me?
President Hinckley said,"Some men are enslaved in their own foolishness. They throw to the wind the most sacred and solemn of covenants they will ever make. They set aside their wives who have been faithful, who have loved and cared for them, who have struggled with them in times of poverty only to be discarded in times of affluence...often employing every kind of artifice to avoid payment of alimony." I have never felt antipathy for him; I actually feel like I am still his best friend/supporter. (Is that ridiculous?) I never expected him to make an issue about alimony. I was heartsick and took it too personally when he did. To quote President HInckley once again (recounting in General Priesthood Meeting a letter he received from a woman): "All I ever wanted was to feel cherished... please warn the brethren: pornography has the effect of damaging hearts and souls to their very depths, strangling the life out of relationships that should be sacred, hurting to the very core those you should love the most." (October conference, 2004)
In reading that talk again, I see that pesky "should". Feeling that people "should" love you and care about you sets you up for the fall doesn't it? I guess the most we can do is hope for the love and service we give to be reciprocated some day. I have been called a Pollyanna most of my life and I pray to be able to live up to it.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Charity, Take Ten
I haven't posted for a while. I've been through some emotional days/weeks/months. Sometimes I wondered how I could go on one more day but then someone would call or I would have an opportunity to serve someone else or I would open the scriptures and hear the Lord's voice talking directly to me so I went on one more day.
I have prayed so fervently for charity the past two years. What I receive is more opportunities to test, try, and prove to myself that I am making progress; that I can "walk the talk". Sheri Dew said, "Charity is not an emotion or action. It is not something we feel or do. Charity is who the Savior is. It is his most defining and dominant attribute. It is what enabled him to endure the cross. It is one of the things that make him God. When we plead for charity, we aren't asking for lovely feelings toward someone who bugs us or has wounded us. We are actually pleading for our very natures to be changed, for our character and disposition to become more like the Savior's so that we literally feel as He would feel and thus do what He would do."
If Life Were Easy, It Would Not Be Hard
Charity is the greatest of all the spiritual gifts. It is the most important attribute we need to incorporate. There is no eternal life without it. When I think I have understood it a little bit better and made some gains (knocking off some rough edges), along comes another misstep. It will be a lifelong pursuit, to be sure, so I will continue to plead for it which means I will continue to have opportunities to demonstrate whether it is a doctrine just in my head or whether it has truly penetrated the fleshy areas of my heart.
It, also, is a process not an event.
I have prayed so fervently for charity the past two years. What I receive is more opportunities to test, try, and prove to myself that I am making progress; that I can "walk the talk". Sheri Dew said, "Charity is not an emotion or action. It is not something we feel or do. Charity is who the Savior is. It is his most defining and dominant attribute. It is what enabled him to endure the cross. It is one of the things that make him God. When we plead for charity, we aren't asking for lovely feelings toward someone who bugs us or has wounded us. We are actually pleading for our very natures to be changed, for our character and disposition to become more like the Savior's so that we literally feel as He would feel and thus do what He would do."
If Life Were Easy, It Would Not Be Hard
Charity is the greatest of all the spiritual gifts. It is the most important attribute we need to incorporate. There is no eternal life without it. When I think I have understood it a little bit better and made some gains (knocking off some rough edges), along comes another misstep. It will be a lifelong pursuit, to be sure, so I will continue to plead for it which means I will continue to have opportunities to demonstrate whether it is a doctrine just in my head or whether it has truly penetrated the fleshy areas of my heart.
It, also, is a process not an event.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Peace
The Savior said, "My peace I leave with you..." We are entitled to that peace when we follow Him. Here are some excerpts from a talk by Elder Marvin J. Ashton.
"When sorrow, tragedy, and heartbreaks occur in our lives, wouldn’t it be comforting if when the whisperings of God say, “Do you know why this has happened to you?” we could have the peace of mind to answer “No, but you do.”
Certainly peace is the opposite of fear. Peace is a blessing that comes to those who trust in God. It is established through individual righteousness. True personal peace comes about through eternal vigilance and constant righteous efforts. No man can be at peace who is untrue to his better self. No man can have lasting peace who is living a lie. Peace can never come to the transgressor of the law. Commitment to God’s laws is the basis for peace. Peace is something we earn. It is not a gift. Rather, it is a possession earned by those who love God and work to achieve the blessings of peace. It is not a written document. It is something that must come from within.
Never will peace and hatred be able to abide in the same soul. Permanent peace will elude those individuals or groups whose objective is to condemn, discredit, rail at, or tear down those whose beliefs are different from their own. These people live by hatred and would destroy others insofar as it is in their power to do so. True Christians have no time for contention. Lasting peace cannot be built while we are reviling or hating others. Those who preach hate, ridicule, and untruths cannot be classified as peacemakers. Until they repent they will reap the harvest to which those engaged in the business of hatred are entitled. Feelings of enmity and malice can never be compatible with feelings of peace.
However, only those at peace can properly cope with accusations and slander. Inner peace is the prized possession of God’s valiant. A testimony of the truthfulness of the teachings of our Savior gives personal peace in times of adversity.
True peace must not be dependent upon conditions or happenings. Peace must stem from an inward contentment built upon trust, faith, and goodwill toward God, fellowmen, and self. It must be constantly nurtured by the individual who is soundly anchored to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Only then can a person realize that the trials and tribulations of daily life are less important than God’s total goodness.
Lasting peace is an eternal personal quest. Peace comes from obedience to the law. Peace comes to those who develop character and trust.
No peace will be lasting unless it is built upon the solid foundation of eternal principles such as love of God, love of neighbor, and love of self. Those who love their neighbors can bring peace and happiness to many. Love can build bridges to understanding and tear down walls of suspicion and hate. Christlike love can bring peace into any neighborhood. With that kind of love each of us can help resolve petty differences, be they in the home or community.
When we properly blend into our lives true principles of love, honesty, respect, character, faith, and patience, peace will become our priceless possession. Peace is a triumph of correct principles.
None of us will avoid the storms of life. The winds and the waves will periodically interfere with our chosen course. The laws of the gospel can bring us back on course and guide us to peaceful waters."
As with all the principles we discuss in this forum, I hope we can experiment on this word (our quest for peace)also and enjoy the fruit that comes with living the above-mentioned TRUE principles.
Why would we choose to continue to suffer and let others control our happiness when the truth can and will literally set us free?
"When sorrow, tragedy, and heartbreaks occur in our lives, wouldn’t it be comforting if when the whisperings of God say, “Do you know why this has happened to you?” we could have the peace of mind to answer “No, but you do.”
Certainly peace is the opposite of fear. Peace is a blessing that comes to those who trust in God. It is established through individual righteousness. True personal peace comes about through eternal vigilance and constant righteous efforts. No man can be at peace who is untrue to his better self. No man can have lasting peace who is living a lie. Peace can never come to the transgressor of the law. Commitment to God’s laws is the basis for peace. Peace is something we earn. It is not a gift. Rather, it is a possession earned by those who love God and work to achieve the blessings of peace. It is not a written document. It is something that must come from within.
Never will peace and hatred be able to abide in the same soul. Permanent peace will elude those individuals or groups whose objective is to condemn, discredit, rail at, or tear down those whose beliefs are different from their own. These people live by hatred and would destroy others insofar as it is in their power to do so. True Christians have no time for contention. Lasting peace cannot be built while we are reviling or hating others. Those who preach hate, ridicule, and untruths cannot be classified as peacemakers. Until they repent they will reap the harvest to which those engaged in the business of hatred are entitled. Feelings of enmity and malice can never be compatible with feelings of peace.
However, only those at peace can properly cope with accusations and slander. Inner peace is the prized possession of God’s valiant. A testimony of the truthfulness of the teachings of our Savior gives personal peace in times of adversity.
True peace must not be dependent upon conditions or happenings. Peace must stem from an inward contentment built upon trust, faith, and goodwill toward God, fellowmen, and self. It must be constantly nurtured by the individual who is soundly anchored to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Only then can a person realize that the trials and tribulations of daily life are less important than God’s total goodness.
Lasting peace is an eternal personal quest. Peace comes from obedience to the law. Peace comes to those who develop character and trust.
No peace will be lasting unless it is built upon the solid foundation of eternal principles such as love of God, love of neighbor, and love of self. Those who love their neighbors can bring peace and happiness to many. Love can build bridges to understanding and tear down walls of suspicion and hate. Christlike love can bring peace into any neighborhood. With that kind of love each of us can help resolve petty differences, be they in the home or community.
When we properly blend into our lives true principles of love, honesty, respect, character, faith, and patience, peace will become our priceless possession. Peace is a triumph of correct principles.
None of us will avoid the storms of life. The winds and the waves will periodically interfere with our chosen course. The laws of the gospel can bring us back on course and guide us to peaceful waters."
As with all the principles we discuss in this forum, I hope we can experiment on this word (our quest for peace)also and enjoy the fruit that comes with living the above-mentioned TRUE principles.
Why would we choose to continue to suffer and let others control our happiness when the truth can and will literally set us free?
Friday, February 12, 2010
A Way To Judge
I was reading a book last night (Family History) about a family in crisis. One comment the mother made is that she felt other people were judging her (and needing to place blame) because it gave them comfort; it had to be someone's fault, it couldn't just be random because then they, too, could be subject to this type of family tragedy.
It is agonizing to make the decision to finally say, "Enough is enough". There are so many voices out there (not to mention the negative chatterbox in your head which promotes fear)trying to influence you. Realize, once and for all, that no one has the right to formulate an opinion and then pass judgment on you for your decision. You can and will receive guidance from your Heavenly Father who loves you and knows you perfectly. I'm so thankful for the scriptures; I can testify I have heard the voice of the Lord speak to me through them in the most amazing, uncanny ways; just opening up randomly and reading has brought me to tears in wonder for His love for me and giving me just the guidance and assurance I needed. Go prayerfully to the scriptures every day!
Another of those 'packets of help' I received was a book by President Henry B.Eyring, To Draw Closer To God. It is difficult to discern the truth when dealing with someone who has been living in lies and deceit for so many years. They tell one group of people one thing and tell you something else. President Eyring talked about an experience he had as a Bishop with a young man who wanted to know if he had truly repented and been forgiven of his grievous sin. This Bishop approached Elder Spencer W. Kimball for guidance:
"I thought Elder Kimball would talk about fasting or prayer or listening for the still, small voice. But he surprised me. Instead he said, "Tell me something about the young man." Then he began a series of the most simple questions, such as: Does he come to Priesthood meetings? Does he come early? Does he sit toward the front? Does he home teach? Does he go early in the month? Does he go more than once? I can't remember all the questions but they were like that- little things, simple acts of obedience, of submission. And for each question I was surprised at my answers. Yes, he wasn't just at all his meetings: he was early; he was smiling; he was there not only with his whole heart, but with the broken heart of a little child, as he was every time the Lord asked anything of him. Elder Kimball looked at me and said, "There is your answer." Sufficiently humble. Stripped of pride. Stripped of envy. Never making a mock of his brother" (To Draw Closer To God,page 56-57).
This was such a revelation to me! It brought such clarity and assisted me in following through with my initial impressions. In this situation (and all situations), you are admonished to 'judge righteous judgment'. You are not condemning anyone; you are using the Lord's criteria to determine if you should 'stay or you should go'. You can judge a tree by the fruit it produces. Words can (and will) be used to manipulate but actions speak louder than words.
The most important thing to remember is that you alone are entitled to the discernment in determining your future. There will be difficulties as you move forward but there will also be peace and an assurance of God's love for you. Stay away from those who are uncharitable. Give them your love and forgiveness but surround yourself at this critical time with people who are emotionally healthy and spiritually strong. Get outside of yourself and your small family circle and serve others; there are so many people you can love. Give to those who have offended you what you want to receive: love and acceptance.
It is agonizing to make the decision to finally say, "Enough is enough". There are so many voices out there (not to mention the negative chatterbox in your head which promotes fear)trying to influence you. Realize, once and for all, that no one has the right to formulate an opinion and then pass judgment on you for your decision. You can and will receive guidance from your Heavenly Father who loves you and knows you perfectly. I'm so thankful for the scriptures; I can testify I have heard the voice of the Lord speak to me through them in the most amazing, uncanny ways; just opening up randomly and reading has brought me to tears in wonder for His love for me and giving me just the guidance and assurance I needed. Go prayerfully to the scriptures every day!
Another of those 'packets of help' I received was a book by President Henry B.Eyring, To Draw Closer To God. It is difficult to discern the truth when dealing with someone who has been living in lies and deceit for so many years. They tell one group of people one thing and tell you something else. President Eyring talked about an experience he had as a Bishop with a young man who wanted to know if he had truly repented and been forgiven of his grievous sin. This Bishop approached Elder Spencer W. Kimball for guidance:
"I thought Elder Kimball would talk about fasting or prayer or listening for the still, small voice. But he surprised me. Instead he said, "Tell me something about the young man." Then he began a series of the most simple questions, such as: Does he come to Priesthood meetings? Does he come early? Does he sit toward the front? Does he home teach? Does he go early in the month? Does he go more than once? I can't remember all the questions but they were like that- little things, simple acts of obedience, of submission. And for each question I was surprised at my answers. Yes, he wasn't just at all his meetings: he was early; he was smiling; he was there not only with his whole heart, but with the broken heart of a little child, as he was every time the Lord asked anything of him. Elder Kimball looked at me and said, "There is your answer." Sufficiently humble. Stripped of pride. Stripped of envy. Never making a mock of his brother" (To Draw Closer To God,page 56-57).
This was such a revelation to me! It brought such clarity and assisted me in following through with my initial impressions. In this situation (and all situations), you are admonished to 'judge righteous judgment'. You are not condemning anyone; you are using the Lord's criteria to determine if you should 'stay or you should go'. You can judge a tree by the fruit it produces. Words can (and will) be used to manipulate but actions speak louder than words.
The most important thing to remember is that you alone are entitled to the discernment in determining your future. There will be difficulties as you move forward but there will also be peace and an assurance of God's love for you. Stay away from those who are uncharitable. Give them your love and forgiveness but surround yourself at this critical time with people who are emotionally healthy and spiritually strong. Get outside of yourself and your small family circle and serve others; there are so many people you can love. Give to those who have offended you what you want to receive: love and acceptance.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
The Wicked Traditions of the Fathers
In Mosiah 10:12-17 you can discover the definition of the wicked traditions of the fathers. It is 1) feeling that you were WRONGED and 2) becoming WROTH over it
Isn't this exactly what we have been talking about with our grievance stories? We take offense at something someone has done (feel we were wronged) and then get angry about it and hold on to it for too long. In the Book of Mormon, it goes on for generations.
We have probably all been the recipient of false accusations and condemnation. The 'natural-man' reaction is to feel horribly wronged and then get really angry and possibly lash back at the offender. In the end, what does this really achieve? The offender feels justified in their attack because you are such a 'mean, angry person'. You feel miserable because it is impossible to have the Spirit with you when you are angry and attacking someone (mentally or verbally- because if you are thinking it, it will come out in your words and actions eventually).
President Hinckley lists HONESTY as one of the ten virtues which will heal our hearts and homes: "In our day, those found in dishonesty aren't put to death, but something within them dies. Character withers, self-respect vanishes, integrity dies." Can we keep this in mind and allow others to exercise their agency (to lie if they choose) and just feel pity for them?
He lists FORGIVENESS & MERCY as another virtue: "Hatred always fails and bitterness always destroys" Truly, hatred and bitterness ALWAYS destroys; it destroys our peace, it robs us of the Spirit, it always brings remorse of conscience.
Can we LET IT GO? Yes, you were wronged, but you can CHOOSE to not respond with anger. Choose to let it go; rely on the law of justice / the law of the harvest. My daughter reminds me that "Karma is a witch; what goes around always comes back around". I continually tell myself, "There is always an ultimate reaping of what we sow; Is this what I want to give myself...anger and bitterness? No! I want to receive mercy and forgiveness and kindness so that is what I send out mentally to those who offend me / lie about me / condemn me with their faulty perceptions and judgments.
Another of President Hinckley's virtues is OPTIMISM: "As we go through life, we accentuate the positive. I am asking that we look a little deeper for the good, that we still voices of insult and sarcasm, that we more generously compliment and endorse virtue and effort."
We can do it. We must do it. We have suffered enough already.
Isn't this exactly what we have been talking about with our grievance stories? We take offense at something someone has done (feel we were wronged) and then get angry about it and hold on to it for too long. In the Book of Mormon, it goes on for generations.
We have probably all been the recipient of false accusations and condemnation. The 'natural-man' reaction is to feel horribly wronged and then get really angry and possibly lash back at the offender. In the end, what does this really achieve? The offender feels justified in their attack because you are such a 'mean, angry person'. You feel miserable because it is impossible to have the Spirit with you when you are angry and attacking someone (mentally or verbally- because if you are thinking it, it will come out in your words and actions eventually).
President Hinckley lists HONESTY as one of the ten virtues which will heal our hearts and homes: "In our day, those found in dishonesty aren't put to death, but something within them dies. Character withers, self-respect vanishes, integrity dies." Can we keep this in mind and allow others to exercise their agency (to lie if they choose) and just feel pity for them?
He lists FORGIVENESS & MERCY as another virtue: "Hatred always fails and bitterness always destroys" Truly, hatred and bitterness ALWAYS destroys; it destroys our peace, it robs us of the Spirit, it always brings remorse of conscience.
Can we LET IT GO? Yes, you were wronged, but you can CHOOSE to not respond with anger. Choose to let it go; rely on the law of justice / the law of the harvest. My daughter reminds me that "Karma is a witch; what goes around always comes back around". I continually tell myself, "There is always an ultimate reaping of what we sow; Is this what I want to give myself...anger and bitterness? No! I want to receive mercy and forgiveness and kindness so that is what I send out mentally to those who offend me / lie about me / condemn me with their faulty perceptions and judgments.
Another of President Hinckley's virtues is OPTIMISM: "As we go through life, we accentuate the positive. I am asking that we look a little deeper for the good, that we still voices of insult and sarcasm, that we more generously compliment and endorse virtue and effort."
We can do it. We must do it. We have suffered enough already.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Comment on a comment
Anonymous asked a few posts back if I believe the 'mantra' will really make one a forgiving person. I don't know if your question is doubtful or hopeful but either way it's a good comment.
Forgiveness is for YOU. It is not something you give someone; you give it to yourself. I believe forgiveness is the feeling of peace you have because you are letting go of your grievance / grudge / anger / resentment. You are deciding you're done with blaming someone for how poorly you've been treated and how miserable you are. Forgiveness is you deciding to stop letting other people control you.
My experience with 'repeating the mantra' ("I hoped _____ would ______ but I acknowledge I have no control over the choices of other people. I choose to focus on beauty, gratitude and love.") is really similar to Alma 32 in the Book of Mormon. Alma compares the word (a teaching or a principle)to a seed. Planting (or experimenting on) the word on tithing; the word on love;the word on forgiveness or whatever, is the way to discern if it is a true or good seed.
Try it! Get the Forgive For Good book and exercise a particle of faith by experimenting on it. Pray for grace (that enabling power which is given to us through the atonement after all we can do). If you experience more frequent and longer periods of peace, you are truly becoming a forgiving person!
It doesn't matter what you decide to do about the relationship; becoming a forgiving and loving person begins to be 'delicious' to you. Then you will know (or have a testimony) that it is a good seed; that forgiveness is not only possible but preferable.
Forgiveness is for YOU. It is not something you give someone; you give it to yourself. I believe forgiveness is the feeling of peace you have because you are letting go of your grievance / grudge / anger / resentment. You are deciding you're done with blaming someone for how poorly you've been treated and how miserable you are. Forgiveness is you deciding to stop letting other people control you.
My experience with 'repeating the mantra' ("I hoped _____ would ______ but I acknowledge I have no control over the choices of other people. I choose to focus on beauty, gratitude and love.") is really similar to Alma 32 in the Book of Mormon. Alma compares the word (a teaching or a principle)to a seed. Planting (or experimenting on) the word on tithing; the word on love;the word on forgiveness or whatever, is the way to discern if it is a true or good seed.
Try it! Get the Forgive For Good book and exercise a particle of faith by experimenting on it. Pray for grace (that enabling power which is given to us through the atonement after all we can do). If you experience more frequent and longer periods of peace, you are truly becoming a forgiving person!
It doesn't matter what you decide to do about the relationship; becoming a forgiving and loving person begins to be 'delicious' to you. Then you will know (or have a testimony) that it is a good seed; that forgiveness is not only possible but preferable.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
The Fourth Stage of Becoming a Forgiving Person
I skipped Luskin's first three stages and want to focus on the most difficult and most powerful: becoming a forgiving person. At this stage you become resistant to taking offense. You take less personal offense; you are convinced YOU are responsible for how you feel and you tell hero stories.It does not mean we become a doormat or condone unkindness. You understand people are not perfect and we can expect them to hurt us sometimes.
* I want to react well when things do not go the way I want. I can forgive myself, forgive others and forgive life.
* Life comes with positive and unpleasant situations. Can I expect to have only good experiences come my way? I hope for the good and know I can forgive the bad.
* Life is a challenge. I want to be a survivor not a victim. (Like Joshua, I can say, "Give me this mountain!" to each hurtful situation. It becomes an opportunity for me to prove to myself I can be a forgiving person and live life as lovingly and full as possible.)
* Life is filled with beauty. I don't want to miss anything because I am stuck in remembering and holding on to old wounds.
* People do the best they can; the best way to help them when they err is offer understanding (or at least sympathy- I don't have understanding about some life-style choices people make.)
* I am not perfect. How can I expect anyone else to be?
Disappointments, hurts and wounds occur in all relationships. Sometimes people hurt us because they do what they want to do instead of what we want them to do. When you allow people to be different, you can forgive them. (You don't have to stay with them but you can allow them their choices and let go of your judgmental attitude; there is no peace in judging others. The only peace I have found is in charity-looking at others the way Heavenly Father looks at and loves them.)
The fourth level of forgiveness means we take the opportunity to forgive whenever we can. We understand how common it is to be hurt. We look to make peace. We look to give people the benefit of the doubt. We do not become a doormat but you understand the limitations of your point of view. (I ask myself, "Do I want to hold on to this bad feeling?" "Do I think I can take this feeling to the judgment bar of God and attempt to condemn the person?" "Am I the judge, jury and executioner here?")
Towards some people we feel such love that we are easily at the fourth stage: openhearted and and ready to forgive. Forgiving them does not mean we approve of all they do; it means we acknowledge our hurts but do not make the child or spouse the enemy. We have a reservoir of love that we can draw upon that allows us access to forgiveness. There are other people who have hurt you and you have no reservoir of goodwill to draw upon. Forgive For Good is written for these people.
* I want to react well when things do not go the way I want. I can forgive myself, forgive others and forgive life.
* Life comes with positive and unpleasant situations. Can I expect to have only good experiences come my way? I hope for the good and know I can forgive the bad.
* Life is a challenge. I want to be a survivor not a victim. (Like Joshua, I can say, "Give me this mountain!" to each hurtful situation. It becomes an opportunity for me to prove to myself I can be a forgiving person and live life as lovingly and full as possible.)
* Life is filled with beauty. I don't want to miss anything because I am stuck in remembering and holding on to old wounds.
* People do the best they can; the best way to help them when they err is offer understanding (or at least sympathy- I don't have understanding about some life-style choices people make.)
* I am not perfect. How can I expect anyone else to be?
Disappointments, hurts and wounds occur in all relationships. Sometimes people hurt us because they do what they want to do instead of what we want them to do. When you allow people to be different, you can forgive them. (You don't have to stay with them but you can allow them their choices and let go of your judgmental attitude; there is no peace in judging others. The only peace I have found is in charity-looking at others the way Heavenly Father looks at and loves them.)
The fourth level of forgiveness means we take the opportunity to forgive whenever we can. We understand how common it is to be hurt. We look to make peace. We look to give people the benefit of the doubt. We do not become a doormat but you understand the limitations of your point of view. (I ask myself, "Do I want to hold on to this bad feeling?" "Do I think I can take this feeling to the judgment bar of God and attempt to condemn the person?" "Am I the judge, jury and executioner here?")
Towards some people we feel such love that we are easily at the fourth stage: openhearted and and ready to forgive. Forgiving them does not mean we approve of all they do; it means we acknowledge our hurts but do not make the child or spouse the enemy. We have a reservoir of love that we can draw upon that allows us access to forgiveness. There are other people who have hurt you and you have no reservoir of goodwill to draw upon. Forgive For Good is written for these people.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
A New Vision
Have you noticed that forgiveness changes how you look at the situation (and life in general)? As your story changes from the grievance story to the hero story, you realize that you have power and self-confidence. It all begins in your own head. You may not be able to make your spouse (or children) love you or care about you but you can change the way you think, feel and talk about the situation.
In Color Your Future,Taylor Hartman shares a scenario I found incredibly relevant to my own life:
Heroes embrace the fullness life offers. They are motivated by love, not fear. They stretch to enhance the lives of others, refusing to live for themselves alone. They accept that the winter times in life are inevitable, and learn to appreciate the solace of the spring.
He shares the experience of a client who came to him after years of living out the script of a victim which read something like this:
Be unhappy; play the part of loyal wife;don't talk to anyone about your pain, your sorrow; hide your feelings;care for the children; ask too little of your husband;resent not having priesthood leadership in your home; ask too much of yourself; use your children / grandchildren to replace what you should have had with him; hate your husband for not being faithful;be suspicious;feel powerless;be afraid of rejection; ;feel trapped;feel like a prostitute; feel like a victim! (I added some of my own script)
One day after years of blindly following her self-destructive script, she woke up and decided to abandon the old script. She filed for divorce. She sought nothing but a new role for herself and an opportunity to rewrite her script. She wished that some of the players from her old play would consider being in her new play as well. Others were not welcome. There were no roles in her new script for their limited character. Those deleted from her new script were furious. "How dare she? She will fall flat on her face! She would have been smarter to stay in her limited, albeit financially secure world rather than have to financially struggle to survive."
One friend applauded her for her courage. Some of her children understood their mother's motives for re-scripting her life and chose to play roles in both of their parents' lives. Others resented their mother for her sudden rewriting of the story line, and punished her by writing themselves out of her script. Some responses she expected. Others she didn't. Some people threatened to destroy her and send her groveling back to the script she had known too well and played for too long.
Displaying quiet dignity and courage, she scripted her new role:
Remember who you truly are (you are not who others say you are); like yourself; listen to the Holy Ghost and follow every prompting;incorporate charity into every facet of your life; remember there is only one primary relationship of eternal value-with your Savior; see good in everyone;remember the Law of the Harvest and give others what you eventually want to receive for yourself;forgive and extend compassion; exercise; laugh out loud; cry; connect with others; lift and bless others with your presence; try new things; eliminate fear; live on less; smile when you talk; serve with all your heart; live only in the now-this day might be all there is so live it purposefully; be kind; spend more time with kind, loving people; express gratitude for 1 new thing every day; make a difference in the world each day; remember Groundhog Day- BE A HERO! (This is my new script, not his client's)
"Be a hero," she mused. "So unnatural, so uncomfortable- yet so right. But I have no role models, no track record, no money..." NO MONEY!" she yelled out loud. "I have no money. I must be crazy to think I can pull this off. Who am I trying to kid?"
"You're not crazy and you are going to pull this off", a voice said, "Just keep rewriting your script one day at a time. It's just a new twist in your path. Take the new step. I believe in you. I've been waiting a long time for us to walk this road together." This was a voice she could trust; it believed in her. It was her inner core, demanding to be heard.
I think I was at a bookstore on one of my Saturday night 'dates' when I read this. I can't tell you how this resonated with me. From the people who wrote themselves out of my life to the little voice within; it was my story. Hartman goes on to say, "The (hero) charactered path offers no guarantees of comforting companionship. Your solace must come from within yourself. You must remain resolute in the face of ridicule and rejection to bestow your gift on those you CAN serve. You must walk some of the way alone. However, you will become less concerned with others' permission to risk, and more enticed by your opportunities to serve."
James Allen said, "You must have faith in the Supreme, faith in the overruling law (of love), faith in your work and your power to accomplish that work. You must follow under all circumstances the highest promptings within you. You must always be true to the divine self, to rely upon the inward light, the inward voice. Work joyfully and peacefully, knowing that right thoughts and right efforts will inevitably bring about right results."
Somewhere in James Allen's writings he talks about how when you are on the right path, books and people will come unbidden into your life at just the opportune time.
I have found that to be so true and such an incredible blessing; like those "little packets of help sent from a loving Heavenly Father" that Elder Scott talks about. All the help adds up to a comforting witness that God does indeed answer our prayers. That 'grace'(or enabling power) comes after all we can do on our own. Our first step has to be changing our thoughts; looking at the situation with the mind of Christ. Accepting the agency of mankind is so vitally important.
In Color Your Future,Taylor Hartman shares a scenario I found incredibly relevant to my own life:
Heroes embrace the fullness life offers. They are motivated by love, not fear. They stretch to enhance the lives of others, refusing to live for themselves alone. They accept that the winter times in life are inevitable, and learn to appreciate the solace of the spring.
He shares the experience of a client who came to him after years of living out the script of a victim which read something like this:
Be unhappy; play the part of loyal wife;don't talk to anyone about your pain, your sorrow; hide your feelings;care for the children; ask too little of your husband;resent not having priesthood leadership in your home; ask too much of yourself; use your children / grandchildren to replace what you should have had with him; hate your husband for not being faithful;be suspicious;feel powerless;be afraid of rejection; ;feel trapped;feel like a prostitute; feel like a victim! (I added some of my own script)
One day after years of blindly following her self-destructive script, she woke up and decided to abandon the old script. She filed for divorce. She sought nothing but a new role for herself and an opportunity to rewrite her script. She wished that some of the players from her old play would consider being in her new play as well. Others were not welcome. There were no roles in her new script for their limited character. Those deleted from her new script were furious. "How dare she? She will fall flat on her face! She would have been smarter to stay in her limited, albeit financially secure world rather than have to financially struggle to survive."
One friend applauded her for her courage. Some of her children understood their mother's motives for re-scripting her life and chose to play roles in both of their parents' lives. Others resented their mother for her sudden rewriting of the story line, and punished her by writing themselves out of her script. Some responses she expected. Others she didn't. Some people threatened to destroy her and send her groveling back to the script she had known too well and played for too long.
Displaying quiet dignity and courage, she scripted her new role:
Remember who you truly are (you are not who others say you are); like yourself; listen to the Holy Ghost and follow every prompting;incorporate charity into every facet of your life; remember there is only one primary relationship of eternal value-with your Savior; see good in everyone;remember the Law of the Harvest and give others what you eventually want to receive for yourself;forgive and extend compassion; exercise; laugh out loud; cry; connect with others; lift and bless others with your presence; try new things; eliminate fear; live on less; smile when you talk; serve with all your heart; live only in the now-this day might be all there is so live it purposefully; be kind; spend more time with kind, loving people; express gratitude for 1 new thing every day; make a difference in the world each day; remember Groundhog Day- BE A HERO! (This is my new script, not his client's)
"Be a hero," she mused. "So unnatural, so uncomfortable- yet so right. But I have no role models, no track record, no money..." NO MONEY!" she yelled out loud. "I have no money. I must be crazy to think I can pull this off. Who am I trying to kid?"
"You're not crazy and you are going to pull this off", a voice said, "Just keep rewriting your script one day at a time. It's just a new twist in your path. Take the new step. I believe in you. I've been waiting a long time for us to walk this road together." This was a voice she could trust; it believed in her. It was her inner core, demanding to be heard.
I think I was at a bookstore on one of my Saturday night 'dates' when I read this. I can't tell you how this resonated with me. From the people who wrote themselves out of my life to the little voice within; it was my story. Hartman goes on to say, "The (hero) charactered path offers no guarantees of comforting companionship. Your solace must come from within yourself. You must remain resolute in the face of ridicule and rejection to bestow your gift on those you CAN serve. You must walk some of the way alone. However, you will become less concerned with others' permission to risk, and more enticed by your opportunities to serve."
James Allen said, "You must have faith in the Supreme, faith in the overruling law (of love), faith in your work and your power to accomplish that work. You must follow under all circumstances the highest promptings within you. You must always be true to the divine self, to rely upon the inward light, the inward voice. Work joyfully and peacefully, knowing that right thoughts and right efforts will inevitably bring about right results."
Somewhere in James Allen's writings he talks about how when you are on the right path, books and people will come unbidden into your life at just the opportune time.
I have found that to be so true and such an incredible blessing; like those "little packets of help sent from a loving Heavenly Father" that Elder Scott talks about. All the help adds up to a comforting witness that God does indeed answer our prayers. That 'grace'(or enabling power) comes after all we can do on our own. Our first step has to be changing our thoughts; looking at the situation with the mind of Christ. Accepting the agency of mankind is so vitally important.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Challenging Your Unenforcable Rules
Underneath your painful feelings of anger and hopelessness are the rules you are still trying to enforce...your'shoulds'. You can challenge those unenforceable rules by changing the way you think (as opposed to trying to change the other person).
Am I demanding that other people treat me better than they do?
Am I demanding my past be better than it was?
Am I demanding my life be easier than it is or turn out more fair than it has?
You can not change the past but you can HOPE and WORK for a better future. My application of this idea:
I took his addiction to porn too personally. I saw it as a rejection of me and a rejection of marriage/temple covenants of chastity and fidelity. A lot of people are involved in porn; initially it is a choice they make. I could not control his choices no matter how hard I tried or how badly I wanted to. I could not make him love me and be loyal to me. I am not the first, nor will I be the last person to get a divorce because of a spouses choices. When I settled down in my thinking (got past the anger), I realized he did not show the signs of wanting to change. Forgiveness, to me, means saying, "I hoped I would have a loving, loyal eternal companion but I acknowledge I can not control the choices of others." This enabled me to move forward continuing to live the principles of the gospel (including and especially charity; seeing God's children as He sees them) with HOPE for a faithful partner in the future.
As you practice challenging the way you think, you will gain control over how you feel. As you concentrate on the beauty in life, the love you feel for others, and express gratitude for all that you do have, the hurts and grievances have less power to disturb you. You have increased self-confidence. Your story shifts from attention on the hurt to your emerging power; from a grievance story where you are the victim to a hero story. Forgiveness means that you are in control. You may not be able to make your spouse love you or your children care about you but you can change the way you think about the situation and change the way you talk about the situation.
James Allen wrote: Shake off the delusion that you are being injured or oppressed by another, and try to realize that you are only really injured by what is within you. There is no practice more degrading and soul-destroying than that of self-pity. Cast it out from you. While such a canker is feeding upon your heart, you can never expect to grow into a fuller life.
It is sad when things don't turn out the way we hoped they would but there is a difference between sadness and hopelessness. The difference is whether you are holding on to those unenforceable rules-your 'shoulds'. LET THEM GO!
Am I demanding that other people treat me better than they do?
Am I demanding my past be better than it was?
Am I demanding my life be easier than it is or turn out more fair than it has?
You can not change the past but you can HOPE and WORK for a better future. My application of this idea:
I took his addiction to porn too personally. I saw it as a rejection of me and a rejection of marriage/temple covenants of chastity and fidelity. A lot of people are involved in porn; initially it is a choice they make. I could not control his choices no matter how hard I tried or how badly I wanted to. I could not make him love me and be loyal to me. I am not the first, nor will I be the last person to get a divorce because of a spouses choices. When I settled down in my thinking (got past the anger), I realized he did not show the signs of wanting to change. Forgiveness, to me, means saying, "I hoped I would have a loving, loyal eternal companion but I acknowledge I can not control the choices of others." This enabled me to move forward continuing to live the principles of the gospel (including and especially charity; seeing God's children as He sees them) with HOPE for a faithful partner in the future.
As you practice challenging the way you think, you will gain control over how you feel. As you concentrate on the beauty in life, the love you feel for others, and express gratitude for all that you do have, the hurts and grievances have less power to disturb you. You have increased self-confidence. Your story shifts from attention on the hurt to your emerging power; from a grievance story where you are the victim to a hero story. Forgiveness means that you are in control. You may not be able to make your spouse love you or your children care about you but you can change the way you think about the situation and change the way you talk about the situation.
James Allen wrote: Shake off the delusion that you are being injured or oppressed by another, and try to realize that you are only really injured by what is within you. There is no practice more degrading and soul-destroying than that of self-pity. Cast it out from you. While such a canker is feeding upon your heart, you can never expect to grow into a fuller life.
It is sad when things don't turn out the way we hoped they would but there is a difference between sadness and hopelessness. The difference is whether you are holding on to those unenforceable rules-your 'shoulds'. LET THEM GO!
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