Many of us suffer for years from grievances we are not willing to give up. We hurt our psychological well-being, our relationships and our physical health by holding on to our grievances. Beside the anger and hurt, the loss of love, joy, and intimacy mar the lives of those who do not forgive. Please choose to NOT be one of those people. Forgiveness is for YOU not the offender.
First: Take responsibility for how you feel. This does not mean that what happened was your fault.
Responsibility means that we are in control of our emotional and behavioral reactions. While you did not cause the hurt to happen, you are responsible for how you think, behave and feel since the experience occurred. It is your life and they are your reactions.
Make the effort to appreciate the good in your life. Pain is a normal part of life; keep our hurts in perspective. Remember, you are not the only person who has suffered this particular hurt.
Focus on gratitude, love and appreciation of nature. We can choose what to see, hear and experience in life. Take each one of these and develop a long list of points upon which you can meditate.
Forgiveness is the practice of extending your moments of peacefulness. Learn how to feel good more often during each day by focusing on what you are grateful for, people you love, and the beauty around you.
Second: Challenge your unenforceable rules. Your list of 'shoulds' can not be enforced. Other people have their agency and will live according to their own rules. Even though you think your rules are the 'correct' ways to behave, if you continue to take personal offense every time someone breaks one of your 'shoulds', you will continue to suffer hurt and anger.
1) Recognize you feel hurt, angry, alienated or hopeless.
2) Remind yourself you are feeling badly because you are trying to enforce an unenforceable rule.
3) Challenge your thinking regarding your demand of the 'should'. Do other people have the right to exercise their agency and live their lives the way they want? Have you ever truly been able to effectively control someone else?
4) Change your demanding that you get what you want from a 'should' to 'hoping you get what you want'.
5) Notice that when you wish or hope things to be the way you want, you can think more clearly and be more peaceful. (Isn't this the same thing God says to His children? "I hope you will keep the commandments/ covenants but I acknowledge and have atoned for your agency / your ability to decide for yourself the life you will live")
It is not our desires, wishes and hopes that get us in to trouble. The problem arises when we demand that our friends and family be the way we want them to be. Accept the fact that people can be hurtful but your goal is to hurt and suffer less and forgive more. When we hope for something, we leave room for possibly having to make other plans (the same way God did when he said, "If they give in to temptation we will provide a Savior for them...").
Some common unenforceable rules:
My partner should have been faithful
Life should be fair
People should treat each other kindly
My life should be blessed/easier because I am obedient
My past should have been different than it was
My parents should have treated me better
These first two steps are a huge undertaking.
My anger was turned around, initially, by reading James Allen's book From Poverty to Power which was written about 1902. It fit into my gospel perspective:
You say, "How can I love the hypocrite, the adulterer, the murderer? I am compelled to dislike and condemn such people." It is true you cannot love such people emotionally but...it is possible to attain to such a state of interior enlightenment as will enable you to perceive the train of causes by which these people have become as they are, to enter into their intense sufferings, and to know the certainty of (the possibility of) their ultimate purification. Possessed of such knowledge it will be utterly impossible for you to any longer dislike or condemn them, and you will be able to think of them with perfect calmness and deep compassion. If you love people and speak of them with praise until they in some way thwart you, or do something of which you disapprove (violate your 'shoulds'), and then you dislike them and speak of them with dispraise, you are not governed by that love which is of God.
Again, this does not mean what happened was your fault or that you have to think what happened was okay or that you have to stay in an addictive relationship. The beginning of forgiveness is to challenge your thoughts and reactions. When God gives you the grace to be able to see your offender truly as a child of God, with every opportunity to repent and eventually attain exaltation, you will begin to let go of your grievances- your taking the offense so personally. (I'm still working very hard on the "perfect calmness and deep compassion".
One way I have achieved a measure of that compassion has been my determination to not share details of his addictive lifestyle with my children. He spoiled the marriage relationship with his choices but why would I want the relationship with his children to be spoiled? Enduring the anger and judgments of some of my children has helped me to feel stronger and in control of my life.
Of all the books which have come into my life as "packets of help", this one by James Allen is my all-time favorite. I read a chapter just about every day and meditate on how I can apply the concepts. Next to the scriptures, this book has been most influential in changing my life.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Preconditions to Forgiveness
Not that I am THERE but here are some ideas that have moved me along the path. These are taken from Forgive For Good by Luskin:
When you are hurt, you form a grievance; either something happened that you did not want to happen or something did not happen that you wanted to happen. The foundation for the grievance is your "unenforceable rules". These are all the "shoulds" you have created and are holding on to. He/I should have done this; he/I shouldn't have done that.When you try to enforce any of these "shoulds", you will feel frustrated, angry and helpless. If you are experiencing these feelings over a prolonged period of time, you are probably trying to enforce your 'rules' of correct behavior on someone and you have not realized yet that, in actual fact, you have no control over another human being's agency.
My friend holds up her palm to her face and points out, "This is the extent of my control over other people and their choices!" When you can acknowledge and accept this, you can begin to think in terms of "hopes" instead of "shoulds". I hope that ____________ but I acknowledge that I can not control anyone's choices/behaviors except my own.
Forgiveness is a choice. It does not happen by accident. We have to make a conscious decision to forgive. We will not be able to forgive just because we are 'supposed to'. We can not be forced (by ourselves or others) to forgive. We did not form a grievance by accident; just because we were hurt does not mean we had to create a grievance. It was a choice and because it was a choice we also have the power to choose to get rid of it.
Forgiveness takes place by undoing each of the steps of the grievance process. You balance the personal nature of the hurt with the impersonal. Yes, you were hurt by ________ who did ________ but you are not the first person to have suffered in this manner. Then you take responsibility for how you feel. "I feel angry, betrayed etc" Lastly, you change the grievance story (blaming, replaying the hurt over and over) to a hero story where you become the hero instead of the victim.
1) Know what your feelings are about the hurt (they may change from day to day)
2) Be clear about the action that wronged you (not minimize or exaggerate)
3) Share your experience with one or two trusted people. (NOT the person who hurt you or family members who are unsympathetic) Tell how you feel and why what was done was not O.K. If you share this with more than a few trusted people, you might be sharing in order to denounce the offender and let everyone know how you have been victimized. Do you want to prolong feeling like a victim or do you want to feel better by moving past the offense?
When you have taken these three steps, you are ready to forgive.
When you are hurt, you form a grievance; either something happened that you did not want to happen or something did not happen that you wanted to happen. The foundation for the grievance is your "unenforceable rules". These are all the "shoulds" you have created and are holding on to. He/I should have done this; he/I shouldn't have done that.When you try to enforce any of these "shoulds", you will feel frustrated, angry and helpless. If you are experiencing these feelings over a prolonged period of time, you are probably trying to enforce your 'rules' of correct behavior on someone and you have not realized yet that, in actual fact, you have no control over another human being's agency.
My friend holds up her palm to her face and points out, "This is the extent of my control over other people and their choices!" When you can acknowledge and accept this, you can begin to think in terms of "hopes" instead of "shoulds". I hope that ____________ but I acknowledge that I can not control anyone's choices/behaviors except my own.
Forgiveness is a choice. It does not happen by accident. We have to make a conscious decision to forgive. We will not be able to forgive just because we are 'supposed to'. We can not be forced (by ourselves or others) to forgive. We did not form a grievance by accident; just because we were hurt does not mean we had to create a grievance. It was a choice and because it was a choice we also have the power to choose to get rid of it.
Forgiveness takes place by undoing each of the steps of the grievance process. You balance the personal nature of the hurt with the impersonal. Yes, you were hurt by ________ who did ________ but you are not the first person to have suffered in this manner. Then you take responsibility for how you feel. "I feel angry, betrayed etc" Lastly, you change the grievance story (blaming, replaying the hurt over and over) to a hero story where you become the hero instead of the victim.
1) Know what your feelings are about the hurt (they may change from day to day)
2) Be clear about the action that wronged you (not minimize or exaggerate)
3) Share your experience with one or two trusted people. (NOT the person who hurt you or family members who are unsympathetic) Tell how you feel and why what was done was not O.K. If you share this with more than a few trusted people, you might be sharing in order to denounce the offender and let everyone know how you have been victimized. Do you want to prolong feeling like a victim or do you want to feel better by moving past the offense?
When you have taken these three steps, you are ready to forgive.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Baby Steps: the Beginning of Forgiveness
When a friend of mine discovered I had separated for the same reason she had divorced, she wrote to me :
"I remember how much pain I went through- how much guilt I felt. I agonized for years and spent too much time thinking my choices proved I was never going to be good enough, forgiving enough, loving enough, understanding enough, non-judgmental enough and so on for our Saviour to ever accept me as I am but how wrong I was! The mercy comes not in forgiving your ex but in forgiving yourself for having human limitations and for choosing your personal spiritual focus to bring more into your life than he can be compatible with right now. There comes a time when enough is enough- change is required."
One of the changes which was required was for me to learn the truth about forgiveness. Fred Luskin, in Forgive For Good writes what forgiveness IS:
It is for you and not for the offender
It is taking responsibility for how you feel
It is taking back your power by getting control over your feelings
It is about your healing and not about the people who hurt you
It is becoming a hero instead of a victim
It is the assertion that bad things will not ruin your today even though they may have spoiled your past
It is a choice
I believe one of the most important points in his list is that forgiveness can help us get control of our emotions so that we can make good decisions going forward. Living in anger and pain; feeling like a victim; continually blaming someone else... all keep us stuck in the past wasting our energy on things we can do nothing about.
I spent too many months trapped in this cycle. Reading scriptures about forgiveness or having family members chide me about "seventy times seven" did not give me a correct understanding of this vital principle of the gospel. One fact that has been so true for me is that Heavenly Father does answer our heartfelt prayers but He sends the help in packets along the way as we are humble and demonstrate a sincere willingness to change. It is absolutely remarkable how books, people, ideas, talks, scriptures have come into my life as I became ready to receive them. It is an on-going process not an event.
Here is an outline from Forgive For Good:
Three core components which create a long-standing hurt:
1) The exaggerated taking of offense There is a personal and an impersonal aspect to hurts. The personal side is that, yes, someone did something which hurt you; you don't need to pretend it didn't happen, make excuses for the offender or stay in the relationship. The impersonal side is that you are not the only person to have experienced this hurt (nor will you be the last). This hurt does not have to define you or your happiness for the rest of your life.
2) The blaming of the offender for how you feel When you are hurt, the first line of defense (and the easiest) is to look for a reason to explain why this happened. I have never been very good at looking inward first and asking "Is it I?" I usually am quick to see the error in others and use a scripture or talk to help the offender 'see the light' of what they did that was wrong. Another concept I have a hard time with is remembering that my feeling hurt does not automatically mean that someone meant to hurt me. We just can't ever really know what is inside someone else's head; why they act the way they do. When we blame someone else for our hurt, we give them power over us. If it is someone else's fault, I need them to change in order to feel better. That is dangerous because those other people possibly don't care about you anyway. Luskin makes the point that holding someone accountable for their actions is not the same as blaming them for how you feel. There are consequences for their use of agency. Forgiveness allows us to reclaim our power (I choose how I will look at a situation) from people who hurt us through our holding on to blame and taking offences too personally.
3) Creating a grievance story This happens when something happens to us that we didn't want to happen (or something didn't happen that we wanted to happen) and then we think about it too much because we don't have the skills to manage our emotional pain. Dwelling on the event gives it power over you.
Do you have a grievance?
1. Do you think about the painful event more than you think about the things in your life that are good?
2. When you think about this event do you become emotionally upset?
3. When you think about this event do you do so with the same repetitive thoughts?
4. Do you find yourself telling the story of what happened over and over in your mind
(or to anyone who will listen to you)?
Ponder these three components. Ask yourself if you are stuck in any of these ways of thinking. When you can identify with them, you will be ready to begin the process of forgiveness.
"I remember how much pain I went through- how much guilt I felt. I agonized for years and spent too much time thinking my choices proved I was never going to be good enough, forgiving enough, loving enough, understanding enough, non-judgmental enough and so on for our Saviour to ever accept me as I am but how wrong I was! The mercy comes not in forgiving your ex but in forgiving yourself for having human limitations and for choosing your personal spiritual focus to bring more into your life than he can be compatible with right now. There comes a time when enough is enough- change is required."
One of the changes which was required was for me to learn the truth about forgiveness. Fred Luskin, in Forgive For Good writes what forgiveness IS:
It is for you and not for the offender
It is taking responsibility for how you feel
It is taking back your power by getting control over your feelings
It is about your healing and not about the people who hurt you
It is becoming a hero instead of a victim
It is the assertion that bad things will not ruin your today even though they may have spoiled your past
It is a choice
I believe one of the most important points in his list is that forgiveness can help us get control of our emotions so that we can make good decisions going forward. Living in anger and pain; feeling like a victim; continually blaming someone else... all keep us stuck in the past wasting our energy on things we can do nothing about.
I spent too many months trapped in this cycle. Reading scriptures about forgiveness or having family members chide me about "seventy times seven" did not give me a correct understanding of this vital principle of the gospel. One fact that has been so true for me is that Heavenly Father does answer our heartfelt prayers but He sends the help in packets along the way as we are humble and demonstrate a sincere willingness to change. It is absolutely remarkable how books, people, ideas, talks, scriptures have come into my life as I became ready to receive them. It is an on-going process not an event.
Here is an outline from Forgive For Good:
Three core components which create a long-standing hurt:
1) The exaggerated taking of offense There is a personal and an impersonal aspect to hurts. The personal side is that, yes, someone did something which hurt you; you don't need to pretend it didn't happen, make excuses for the offender or stay in the relationship. The impersonal side is that you are not the only person to have experienced this hurt (nor will you be the last). This hurt does not have to define you or your happiness for the rest of your life.
2) The blaming of the offender for how you feel When you are hurt, the first line of defense (and the easiest) is to look for a reason to explain why this happened. I have never been very good at looking inward first and asking "Is it I?" I usually am quick to see the error in others and use a scripture or talk to help the offender 'see the light' of what they did that was wrong. Another concept I have a hard time with is remembering that my feeling hurt does not automatically mean that someone meant to hurt me. We just can't ever really know what is inside someone else's head; why they act the way they do. When we blame someone else for our hurt, we give them power over us. If it is someone else's fault, I need them to change in order to feel better. That is dangerous because those other people possibly don't care about you anyway. Luskin makes the point that holding someone accountable for their actions is not the same as blaming them for how you feel. There are consequences for their use of agency. Forgiveness allows us to reclaim our power (I choose how I will look at a situation) from people who hurt us through our holding on to blame and taking offences too personally.
3) Creating a grievance story This happens when something happens to us that we didn't want to happen (or something didn't happen that we wanted to happen) and then we think about it too much because we don't have the skills to manage our emotional pain. Dwelling on the event gives it power over you.
Do you have a grievance?
1. Do you think about the painful event more than you think about the things in your life that are good?
2. When you think about this event do you become emotionally upset?
3. When you think about this event do you do so with the same repetitive thoughts?
4. Do you find yourself telling the story of what happened over and over in your mind
(or to anyone who will listen to you)?
Ponder these three components. Ask yourself if you are stuck in any of these ways of thinking. When you can identify with them, you will be ready to begin the process of forgiveness.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Understanding Forgiveness
"The scriptures promise that the Lord will answer our prayers for guidance...most often it seems He gives answers in packets, that is, in pieces of the solution."
(Richard G. Scott, Finding Peace, Happiness, and Joy)
Receiving understanding and spiritual guidance has indeed come in packets to me over the course of many years. I see the Lord's hand in sending books and people to me which brought new insights and comfort. The commandment to forgive is, to me, an important stepping stone to being able to live the "Prime Directive" (as Stephen Robinson calls it in Following Christ): Charity- loving the way God loves. Learning about forgiveness comes in packets to everyone; it is a multi-layered principle of the gospel.
What forgiveness is not:
(taken from Forgive For Good, by Dr. Fred Luskin)
The major obstacle to forgiving is a lack of understanding just what forgiveness is. Some of us confuse forgiveness with condoning unkind actions. There are those who think we have to forgive in order to repair the relationship with the offender. Some think that forgiveness has to be a precursor to reconciliation. Some think that forgiveness means we forget what happened. Each of these conceptions is wrong.
He has said a lot right there. I'd like to share some other 'little packets' I have received along the way which have solidified what forgiveness is not.
"I regret to acknowledge that some husbands are abusive, some are unkind, some are thoughtless, some are evil. They indulge in pornography and bring about situations which destroy them, destroy their families, and destroy the most sacred of all relationships...I pity the man who at one time looked into the eyes of a beautiful young woman and held her hand across the altar in the House of the Lord as they made sacred and everlasting promises one to another, but who, lacking in self-discipline...sinks to coarseness and evil, and destroys the relationship which the Lord has provided for him."
(Discourses of Gordon B. Hinckley Volume 1, page 191)
"Pornography has the effect of damaging hearts and souls to their very depths, strangling the life out of relationships that should be sacred, hurting to the very core those you should love the most."
(Discourses of GBH Volume 2, page 251)
Pornography...eventually destroys them. Literally, it destroys them; they are never the same again. They can not be the same."
(Discourses of GBH Volume 2 page 375)
Is President Hinckley denying the atonement when making these statements? Of course not. I found a verse which I think dovetails with his comment: D&C 132:26 says that those who violate covenants (referring to marriage) "shall be destroyed in the flesh, and shall be delivered unto the buffetings of Satan unto the day of redemption". Again, this is not denying the atonement or the availability of repentance. Rather, it appears to be a prophetic description of those who become involved in any violation of covenants but especially pornography. Can they repent (defined as forsaking and never repeating)? Of course. Are they ever the same again? There is a reason the Church Education System has a zero tolerance policy for seminary and institute teachers regarding pornography; they are dismissed without discussion. Is CES considered an institution which is refusing to live the principle of forgiveness?
More of what forgiveness is not:
(Forgive For Good)
Forgiveness does not mean you have to think that what happened was okay. It does not mean condoning the unkind or selfish behavior of someone who hurt you. Anger and hurt are appropriate responses to painful events. We must know how to say no when our boundary is crossed. We do not have to be a doormat in order to forgive. Forgiveness is the decision to free ourselves from the personal offense and blame that have us stuck in a cycle of suffering. Anger and hurt are appropriate but they, unlike wine, do not improve with age.
Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting. Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same. Reconciliation means you reestablish a relationship with the person who hurt you. Forgiveness means you make peace with a bitter part of your past and no longer blame your experiences on the offender. We can forgive and give the offender another chance or we can forgive and move on to new relationships. The choice is ours.
Ensign, Sept 2008:
It is important to note that forgiveness does not necessarily mean forgetting the offense, trusting the offender, or even associating with him or her. However, it does mean letting go of self-destructive anger.
http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=610fbf9cd2f0c110VgnVCM100000176f620a____&vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD
Ponder on these ideas of what forgiveness is not. There are concepts here which are 'mysteries' (hidden) to many members of the church. I'm thankful for the 'packets of understanding' Heavenly Father sends us when we are humbly seeking direction for our sometimes difficult lives.
Next time: Baby Steps - What Forgiving IS
(Richard G. Scott, Finding Peace, Happiness, and Joy)
Receiving understanding and spiritual guidance has indeed come in packets to me over the course of many years. I see the Lord's hand in sending books and people to me which brought new insights and comfort. The commandment to forgive is, to me, an important stepping stone to being able to live the "Prime Directive" (as Stephen Robinson calls it in Following Christ): Charity- loving the way God loves. Learning about forgiveness comes in packets to everyone; it is a multi-layered principle of the gospel.
What forgiveness is not:
(taken from Forgive For Good, by Dr. Fred Luskin)
The major obstacle to forgiving is a lack of understanding just what forgiveness is. Some of us confuse forgiveness with condoning unkind actions. There are those who think we have to forgive in order to repair the relationship with the offender. Some think that forgiveness has to be a precursor to reconciliation. Some think that forgiveness means we forget what happened. Each of these conceptions is wrong.
He has said a lot right there. I'd like to share some other 'little packets' I have received along the way which have solidified what forgiveness is not.
"I regret to acknowledge that some husbands are abusive, some are unkind, some are thoughtless, some are evil. They indulge in pornography and bring about situations which destroy them, destroy their families, and destroy the most sacred of all relationships...I pity the man who at one time looked into the eyes of a beautiful young woman and held her hand across the altar in the House of the Lord as they made sacred and everlasting promises one to another, but who, lacking in self-discipline...sinks to coarseness and evil, and destroys the relationship which the Lord has provided for him."
(Discourses of Gordon B. Hinckley Volume 1, page 191)
"Pornography has the effect of damaging hearts and souls to their very depths, strangling the life out of relationships that should be sacred, hurting to the very core those you should love the most."
(Discourses of GBH Volume 2, page 251)
Pornography...eventually destroys them. Literally, it destroys them; they are never the same again. They can not be the same."
(Discourses of GBH Volume 2 page 375)
Is President Hinckley denying the atonement when making these statements? Of course not. I found a verse which I think dovetails with his comment: D&C 132:26 says that those who violate covenants (referring to marriage) "shall be destroyed in the flesh, and shall be delivered unto the buffetings of Satan unto the day of redemption". Again, this is not denying the atonement or the availability of repentance. Rather, it appears to be a prophetic description of those who become involved in any violation of covenants but especially pornography. Can they repent (defined as forsaking and never repeating)? Of course. Are they ever the same again? There is a reason the Church Education System has a zero tolerance policy for seminary and institute teachers regarding pornography; they are dismissed without discussion. Is CES considered an institution which is refusing to live the principle of forgiveness?
More of what forgiveness is not:
(Forgive For Good)
Forgiveness does not mean you have to think that what happened was okay. It does not mean condoning the unkind or selfish behavior of someone who hurt you. Anger and hurt are appropriate responses to painful events. We must know how to say no when our boundary is crossed. We do not have to be a doormat in order to forgive. Forgiveness is the decision to free ourselves from the personal offense and blame that have us stuck in a cycle of suffering. Anger and hurt are appropriate but they, unlike wine, do not improve with age.
Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting. Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same. Reconciliation means you reestablish a relationship with the person who hurt you. Forgiveness means you make peace with a bitter part of your past and no longer blame your experiences on the offender. We can forgive and give the offender another chance or we can forgive and move on to new relationships. The choice is ours.
Ensign, Sept 2008:
It is important to note that forgiveness does not necessarily mean forgetting the offense, trusting the offender, or even associating with him or her. However, it does mean letting go of self-destructive anger.
http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=610fbf9cd2f0c110VgnVCM100000176f620a____&vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD
Ponder on these ideas of what forgiveness is not. There are concepts here which are 'mysteries' (hidden) to many members of the church. I'm thankful for the 'packets of understanding' Heavenly Father sends us when we are humbly seeking direction for our sometimes difficult lives.
Next time: Baby Steps - What Forgiving IS
Thursday, October 15, 2009
ANGER - Some Causes
“We’ve all felt anger. It can come when things don’t turn out the way we want. It might be a reaction to something which is said of us or to us. We may experience it when people don’t behave the way we want them to behave. Perhaps it comes when we have to wait for something longer than we expected. We might feel angry when others can’t see things from our perspective. There seem to be countless possible reasons for anger.
“For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another.... but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away.”
To be angry is to yield to the influence of Satan. No one can make us angry. It is our choice. If we desire to have a proper spirit with us at all times, we must choose to refrain from becoming angry. I testify that such is possible.”
President Thomas S. Monson Oct Conference 2009
http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-1117-21,00.html
This is the first obstacle I had to overcome on my road to personal healing. I was hurt by the betrayal and spent too many months angry. Clarity came when I really studied the book, Feeling Good by David Burns and then discussed these ideas with my sister.
It’s natural to believe that external events upset you. When you’re mad at someone you automatically make them the cause of all your bad feelings. You say, “You’re annoying me!” but when you think like this, you’re actually fooling yourself because other people really cannot make you angry.
The bitter truth is that you’re the one who’s creating every last ounce of the anger you experience.
Before you can feel irritated by any event you must first become aware of what is occurring and come to your own interpretation of it. Your feelings result from the meaning you give the event, not from the event itself. Many of your perceptions are one-sided, twisted and sometimes just plain wrong. Sometimes they are justified but if they cause you to respond with anger, do you really want to live like that? Can you afford it when it drives away the Spirit? What is your motivation for staying angry? For sympathy?
When you are tired of being angry and are ready to be done with grieving the lost or damaged relationship, take a step back, practice some hard honesty and see if you have been involved in some of these distorted ways of thinking:
Labeling - When you describe the person you’re mad at as “a jerk” or “a liar”, you see him in a totally negative way. Someone may in fact have betrayed your trust, and it is absolutely right to resent what that person did. When you label someone, you create the distorted impression that he has a bad essence. When you write someone off this way, you are ignoring his good points. He may have lied sometimes but every word out of his mouth is not a lie. Labeling is a distorted thinking process that causes you to feel inappropriately indignant and morally superior. Your labeling will inevitably give way to your need to blame the other person. This fit so well with my need to justify myself; I quoted scriptures, conference talks, anything I could think of to keep my focus on what he had done wrong. I was the victim! Unfortunately, feeling like a victim kept the anger alive.
I have to add here that other people can label you with their distorted perceptions also. Lean upon your gift to discern truth from error and correctly identify the source of any labeling as from the enemy of your soul. 2Nephi 4:28
Mind reading: You invent motives that explain to your satisfaction why the other person did what he did. “He’s doing this because_______________”. Your reasons are often erroneous because,in reality,how do you ever really know the actual thoughts that motivated the other person? Be careful! We tend to not be very good at understanding the heart of other people.
Inappropriate Should and Shouldn't Statements: This is my all-time favorite. Nothing will bring you more sorrow than "shoulds". When someone’s actions aren’t to your liking, you tell yourself they “shouldn’t” have done what they did, or they “should have” done something they failed to do. The perception of unfairness or injustice is the ultimate cause of most, if not all, anger. There is no such thing as a universally accepted concept of fairness. Fairness is relative to the observer. What is fair to one person can appear quite unfair to another. (I always cringe seeing the big cats stalking and feeding on the poor zebras; I have no problem chowing down that cheeseburger- how does the cow feel about that? ) Other people have their agency and often will think and act in ways that aren’t to your liking. All your insistence that they must fall in line with your desires and wishes will not produce this result. No where is this more true than when dealing with addicted personalities (or any personalities for that matter). In a gospel setting, there are some absolutes about standards of behavior but there is also that pesky little principle of agency which we all fought so zealously for in another time and place.You will spend a lot of time feeling unhappy if you buy in to thinking you can control another human being with your "shoulds".
Sister Julie Beck, General Relief Society President, spoke at a regional conference regarding pornography and said (I'm paraphrasing), a wife must remember her own divine nature and then should set boundaries for what is and is not acceptable behavior and stick to them; sometimes enough is enough. What she didn't say but that I would add is that you desparately need the Spirit to help you decide when 'enough is enough' and you will not have that divine guidance when you are angry.
Hopefully you can identify (and claim as your own weaknesses) some of these first two distorted ways of thinking and begin to eliminate them. As you do, you will also be eliminating the frequency of angry feelings and inviting the companionship and direction of the Holy Ghost. For dealing with those pesky "shoulds", Dr. Fred Luskin suggests in Forgive For Good that you replace them with "hopes".
That will be a post for another day.
“For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another.... but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away.”
To be angry is to yield to the influence of Satan. No one can make us angry. It is our choice. If we desire to have a proper spirit with us at all times, we must choose to refrain from becoming angry. I testify that such is possible.”
President Thomas S. Monson Oct Conference 2009
http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-1117-21,00.html
This is the first obstacle I had to overcome on my road to personal healing. I was hurt by the betrayal and spent too many months angry. Clarity came when I really studied the book, Feeling Good by David Burns and then discussed these ideas with my sister.
It’s natural to believe that external events upset you. When you’re mad at someone you automatically make them the cause of all your bad feelings. You say, “You’re annoying me!” but when you think like this, you’re actually fooling yourself because other people really cannot make you angry.
The bitter truth is that you’re the one who’s creating every last ounce of the anger you experience.
Before you can feel irritated by any event you must first become aware of what is occurring and come to your own interpretation of it. Your feelings result from the meaning you give the event, not from the event itself. Many of your perceptions are one-sided, twisted and sometimes just plain wrong. Sometimes they are justified but if they cause you to respond with anger, do you really want to live like that? Can you afford it when it drives away the Spirit? What is your motivation for staying angry? For sympathy?
When you are tired of being angry and are ready to be done with grieving the lost or damaged relationship, take a step back, practice some hard honesty and see if you have been involved in some of these distorted ways of thinking:
Labeling - When you describe the person you’re mad at as “a jerk” or “a liar”, you see him in a totally negative way. Someone may in fact have betrayed your trust, and it is absolutely right to resent what that person did. When you label someone, you create the distorted impression that he has a bad essence. When you write someone off this way, you are ignoring his good points. He may have lied sometimes but every word out of his mouth is not a lie. Labeling is a distorted thinking process that causes you to feel inappropriately indignant and morally superior. Your labeling will inevitably give way to your need to blame the other person. This fit so well with my need to justify myself; I quoted scriptures, conference talks, anything I could think of to keep my focus on what he had done wrong. I was the victim! Unfortunately, feeling like a victim kept the anger alive.
I have to add here that other people can label you with their distorted perceptions also. Lean upon your gift to discern truth from error and correctly identify the source of any labeling as from the enemy of your soul. 2Nephi 4:28
Mind reading: You invent motives that explain to your satisfaction why the other person did what he did. “He’s doing this because_______________”. Your reasons are often erroneous because,in reality,how do you ever really know the actual thoughts that motivated the other person? Be careful! We tend to not be very good at understanding the heart of other people.
Inappropriate Should and Shouldn't Statements: This is my all-time favorite. Nothing will bring you more sorrow than "shoulds". When someone’s actions aren’t to your liking, you tell yourself they “shouldn’t” have done what they did, or they “should have” done something they failed to do. The perception of unfairness or injustice is the ultimate cause of most, if not all, anger. There is no such thing as a universally accepted concept of fairness. Fairness is relative to the observer. What is fair to one person can appear quite unfair to another. (I always cringe seeing the big cats stalking and feeding on the poor zebras; I have no problem chowing down that cheeseburger- how does the cow feel about that? ) Other people have their agency and often will think and act in ways that aren’t to your liking. All your insistence that they must fall in line with your desires and wishes will not produce this result. No where is this more true than when dealing with addicted personalities (or any personalities for that matter). In a gospel setting, there are some absolutes about standards of behavior but there is also that pesky little principle of agency which we all fought so zealously for in another time and place.You will spend a lot of time feeling unhappy if you buy in to thinking you can control another human being with your "shoulds".
Sister Julie Beck, General Relief Society President, spoke at a regional conference regarding pornography and said (I'm paraphrasing), a wife must remember her own divine nature and then should set boundaries for what is and is not acceptable behavior and stick to them; sometimes enough is enough. What she didn't say but that I would add is that you desparately need the Spirit to help you decide when 'enough is enough' and you will not have that divine guidance when you are angry.
Hopefully you can identify (and claim as your own weaknesses) some of these first two distorted ways of thinking and begin to eliminate them. As you do, you will also be eliminating the frequency of angry feelings and inviting the companionship and direction of the Holy Ghost. For dealing with those pesky "shoulds", Dr. Fred Luskin suggests in Forgive For Good that you replace them with "hopes".
That will be a post for another day.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Feelings
"The onslaught of pornography in all of its vicious, corroding, destructive forms has caused great grief, suffering, heartache, and destroyed marriages...Participation in pornography in any of its lurid forms is a manifestation of unbridled selfishness. How can a man, particularly a priesthood bearer, not think of the emotional and spiritual damage caused to women, especially his wife, by such abhorrent activity?" Elder Richard G. Scott October Conference 2009
http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-1117-2,00.html
I haven't found many people who understand the 'emotional and spiritual damage' spoken of by Elder Scott besides the General Authorities and other women who have lived with an addicted spouse. Family members have made comments to me such as "Get over it"; "What's all the drama about?"; "It's all about you, isn't it." I felt guilt at not being the woman my family wanted me to be by staying married. Please note that Elder Scott did not say pornography destroys marriages because the wife is selfish and unforgiving.
The wide variety of feelings you experience is such a huge part of living in an addictive relationship. You are not alone (and you are not unworthy or less faithful) if you have felt (or continue to feel) any of these:
In 1977 I had my neighbor watch my two children while I got on a bus, rode to my Bishop's work place and cried to him that I felt like a prostitute.
In the 1980's, I felt uncomfortable and cried about some practices my husband was pursuing in our intimate relationship.
In the 1990's I felt nauseated and cheap when he brought prostitute-type lingerie and expected me to parade around for him. I've been told a thousand times,"I want to see that with nothing on under it".
In 2003, I first discovered porn websites accessed on the laptop he received from work. My first thought was,"Oh no, his partner is into porn". (Denial) I cleared the temporary internet file only to discover hundreds more sites the following month. When confronted, he denied, lied and then eventually admitted his involvement. I was devastated, cried uncontrollably and tried to take control of the situation by having the Bishop come over and talk to him.
Thus began the years of feeling hurt, betrayed (what about our temple and marriage covenants?), rejected, humiliated (if I were more sexy, prettier, thinner, younger he would want me), angry.
I believed I could manage or control the situation by installing filters and limiting access after midnight; I obsessed over policing the computer.
I felt a deep loss of self-esteem: I am a grandmother-I can not compete with those women. I tried to dress more provocatively.
There was a strong feeling of isolation because of the need for secrecy. I had no one I could talk to; not parents, siblings, friends; no one knew because I felt it would be disloyal and embarrassing to discuss my situation (We were the happy, eternal family with appearances to keep up!). Home and Visiting Teachers came and asked, "How are you doing?" I could never have an honest discussion about how difficult my life was. Unfortunately, there was no Church-sponsored 12 Step Group back then like we have in our Stake today. If you have a 12 Step Group in your area, I would recommend you attend. There are women to whom you can talk and feel understood.
There were months when I felt everything was Okay. I would plan romantic vacations for the two of us and instituted annual family reunions in the hope of helping him see how great our life could be without porn. With each discovery of his escalating addiction, it was exhausting to always be putting on the 'happy front' when I was dying inside. I was losing a sense of myself; there was less and less of me (Who was the real me? I was just a smiling fake front like those life-size cardboard cutouts).
There was a profound sense of loneliness. I poured myself into callings and grandchildren; that was my salvation.
In all the years of dealing with his addiction, I always discovered his behavior (even when I was not looking or policing); he never once confessed to me that he had relapsed. This led to a serious lack of trust and feelings of hopelessness until, finally, in 2008 I had a breakdown when I overheard his phone sex. I was on the floor in the fetal position for hours crying uncontrollably; I felt dirty, nauseated and I just wanted to die. I felt I could not continue even one more day.
Later that night and again the following day, I had the strong confirmation that the marriage was over.After so many years riding a roller coaster of very difficult emotions, I felt incredible peace.
Since then, my life has been an adventure in self-discovery. I've learned that there is no enemy out there except for the enemy within... but that will be a topic for another day.
http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-1117-2,00.html
I haven't found many people who understand the 'emotional and spiritual damage' spoken of by Elder Scott besides the General Authorities and other women who have lived with an addicted spouse. Family members have made comments to me such as "Get over it"; "What's all the drama about?"; "It's all about you, isn't it." I felt guilt at not being the woman my family wanted me to be by staying married. Please note that Elder Scott did not say pornography destroys marriages because the wife is selfish and unforgiving.
The wide variety of feelings you experience is such a huge part of living in an addictive relationship. You are not alone (and you are not unworthy or less faithful) if you have felt (or continue to feel) any of these:
In 1977 I had my neighbor watch my two children while I got on a bus, rode to my Bishop's work place and cried to him that I felt like a prostitute.
In the 1980's, I felt uncomfortable and cried about some practices my husband was pursuing in our intimate relationship.
In the 1990's I felt nauseated and cheap when he brought prostitute-type lingerie and expected me to parade around for him. I've been told a thousand times,"I want to see that with nothing on under it".
In 2003, I first discovered porn websites accessed on the laptop he received from work. My first thought was,"Oh no, his partner is into porn". (Denial) I cleared the temporary internet file only to discover hundreds more sites the following month. When confronted, he denied, lied and then eventually admitted his involvement. I was devastated, cried uncontrollably and tried to take control of the situation by having the Bishop come over and talk to him.
Thus began the years of feeling hurt, betrayed (what about our temple and marriage covenants?), rejected, humiliated (if I were more sexy, prettier, thinner, younger he would want me), angry.
I believed I could manage or control the situation by installing filters and limiting access after midnight; I obsessed over policing the computer.
I felt a deep loss of self-esteem: I am a grandmother-I can not compete with those women. I tried to dress more provocatively.
There was a strong feeling of isolation because of the need for secrecy. I had no one I could talk to; not parents, siblings, friends; no one knew because I felt it would be disloyal and embarrassing to discuss my situation (We were the happy, eternal family with appearances to keep up!). Home and Visiting Teachers came and asked, "How are you doing?" I could never have an honest discussion about how difficult my life was. Unfortunately, there was no Church-sponsored 12 Step Group back then like we have in our Stake today. If you have a 12 Step Group in your area, I would recommend you attend. There are women to whom you can talk and feel understood.
There were months when I felt everything was Okay. I would plan romantic vacations for the two of us and instituted annual family reunions in the hope of helping him see how great our life could be without porn. With each discovery of his escalating addiction, it was exhausting to always be putting on the 'happy front' when I was dying inside. I was losing a sense of myself; there was less and less of me (Who was the real me? I was just a smiling fake front like those life-size cardboard cutouts).
There was a profound sense of loneliness. I poured myself into callings and grandchildren; that was my salvation.
In all the years of dealing with his addiction, I always discovered his behavior (even when I was not looking or policing); he never once confessed to me that he had relapsed. This led to a serious lack of trust and feelings of hopelessness until, finally, in 2008 I had a breakdown when I overheard his phone sex. I was on the floor in the fetal position for hours crying uncontrollably; I felt dirty, nauseated and I just wanted to die. I felt I could not continue even one more day.
Later that night and again the following day, I had the strong confirmation that the marriage was over.After so many years riding a roller coaster of very difficult emotions, I felt incredible peace.
Since then, my life has been an adventure in self-discovery. I've learned that there is no enemy out there except for the enemy within... but that will be a topic for another day.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
The Addictive Personality
An addictive personality is created when we believe that what we have is never enough and that looking outside ourselves for happiness will bring us comfort and relief. An addictive lifestyle is demonstrated by a constant quest for what Dr. Lee Jampolsky describes as the Four A's: Achieving (a certain status), Acquiring (some material possession), Approval (from some outside source), Accomplishing (some goal).
(see recommended reading).
Our society promotes the addictive personality at every turn: "If I was ______, I'd be happier", "If I could do ____, I would feel more worthwhile.", "If I had ______, I would be satisfied." You don't have to be an alcoholic or involved in porn to exhibit an addictive personality. I saw myself slip into these thoughts when I discovered my husband's involvement in porn but with the twist, "If I was ___________ he would be _________" or "If he would _______ everything would be O.K."
We have a natural tendency to adopt certain beliefs that we hope will enable us to avoid suffering and pain. We want to blame our unhappiness and frustration on something or someone else: "If _____ would do/stop doing _______, everything would be better." With an addictive personality, the solution is outside ourselves. It is the 'situation' that is making or breaking my happiness and causing me suffering and pain so I will turn to ________ to feel better.
Once we recognize this faulty way of thinking, Elder Robert Hales April 2009 Conference questions, "Can I afford it?" and "What is my motivation for it?" become relevant.
http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-1032-2,00.html
Can I afford to keep thinking this way when these thoughts will lead me to an addictive lifestyle?
Why am I doing this? For appearances?To lessen the pain? To prove something?
When you blame another person for your unhappiness, consider that a red flag that it's time to look at yourself and admit that you alone have the ability to create your own happiness. Circumstances affect you only as you allow them to do so; the good or bad label you have attached is only in the way you think about the situation. This sounds simplistic but it is doctrinally sound and the foundation of all healing.
The habit of looking outside of yourself (to food, to your callings or your job, to your home or other material possessions, to drugs, to porn, to your children/grandchildren, to blaming others) to feel better is the beginning of an addictive personality. I love the example of a righteous person's reaction to an uncomfortable revelation found in Mark 14:19: "Is it I?" Are you looking to one of the four A's for happiness? Are you blaming someone else for your unhappiness?
My healing began when I was able to
1)study and understand the addictive personality.At first I wanted to learn so I could understand why he was addicted to porn and justify myself. The more I studied , the more I saw myself being drawn into the downward spiraling cycle of addictive thoughts/actions: What happened must have been my fault; I'm not lovable;I can't be the person everyone wants me to be; I felt more fearful and hopeless. Instead of turning to a substance or porn, I began to exhibit defensive behavior and withdraw.
2) turn inward and examine my own attitudes/thoughts which were in error. All the books I was reading to defend myself became stepping stones to my own 'recovery'. Matthew 7:3-4 The mote and the beam. It's much more effective to look inward and focus on my own weaknesses instead of spinning my wheels by stewing about someone over whom I have no control. Spinning your wheels while you're in the mud only gets you stuck.
3) ask myself constantly, "Can I afford to continue this way of thinking?" We tell our children, "Remember who you are!" in the hope they will make good choices. That admonition means everything to me now as I strive to overcome my own addictive thoughts and behaviors. Remember you are a literal daughter of God with infinite value and worth. Remember He loves you and understands your anguish and sorrow. Remember His ultimate goal for you is sanctification (to be made holy) and eternal life. Remember you are endowed with power from on high to withstand every trial and come off conqueror.
You can not afford to think otherwise.
My focus in this blog will always be on my own journey to healing. I, hopefully, left the low-lying path of justifying myself and blaming others for a happier path on higher ground.
(see recommended reading).
Our society promotes the addictive personality at every turn: "If I was ______, I'd be happier", "If I could do ____, I would feel more worthwhile.", "If I had ______, I would be satisfied." You don't have to be an alcoholic or involved in porn to exhibit an addictive personality. I saw myself slip into these thoughts when I discovered my husband's involvement in porn but with the twist, "If I was ___________ he would be _________" or "If he would _______ everything would be O.K."
We have a natural tendency to adopt certain beliefs that we hope will enable us to avoid suffering and pain. We want to blame our unhappiness and frustration on something or someone else: "If _____ would do/stop doing _______, everything would be better." With an addictive personality, the solution is outside ourselves. It is the 'situation' that is making or breaking my happiness and causing me suffering and pain so I will turn to ________ to feel better.
Once we recognize this faulty way of thinking, Elder Robert Hales April 2009 Conference questions, "Can I afford it?" and "What is my motivation for it?" become relevant.
http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-1032-2,00.html
Can I afford to keep thinking this way when these thoughts will lead me to an addictive lifestyle?
Why am I doing this? For appearances?To lessen the pain? To prove something?
When you blame another person for your unhappiness, consider that a red flag that it's time to look at yourself and admit that you alone have the ability to create your own happiness. Circumstances affect you only as you allow them to do so; the good or bad label you have attached is only in the way you think about the situation. This sounds simplistic but it is doctrinally sound and the foundation of all healing.
The habit of looking outside of yourself (to food, to your callings or your job, to your home or other material possessions, to drugs, to porn, to your children/grandchildren, to blaming others) to feel better is the beginning of an addictive personality. I love the example of a righteous person's reaction to an uncomfortable revelation found in Mark 14:19: "Is it I?" Are you looking to one of the four A's for happiness? Are you blaming someone else for your unhappiness?
My healing began when I was able to
1)study and understand the addictive personality.At first I wanted to learn so I could understand why he was addicted to porn and justify myself. The more I studied , the more I saw myself being drawn into the downward spiraling cycle of addictive thoughts/actions: What happened must have been my fault; I'm not lovable;I can't be the person everyone wants me to be; I felt more fearful and hopeless. Instead of turning to a substance or porn, I began to exhibit defensive behavior and withdraw.
2) turn inward and examine my own attitudes/thoughts which were in error. All the books I was reading to defend myself became stepping stones to my own 'recovery'. Matthew 7:3-4 The mote and the beam. It's much more effective to look inward and focus on my own weaknesses instead of spinning my wheels by stewing about someone over whom I have no control. Spinning your wheels while you're in the mud only gets you stuck.
3) ask myself constantly, "Can I afford to continue this way of thinking?" We tell our children, "Remember who you are!" in the hope they will make good choices. That admonition means everything to me now as I strive to overcome my own addictive thoughts and behaviors. Remember you are a literal daughter of God with infinite value and worth. Remember He loves you and understands your anguish and sorrow. Remember His ultimate goal for you is sanctification (to be made holy) and eternal life. Remember you are endowed with power from on high to withstand every trial and come off conqueror.
You can not afford to think otherwise.
My focus in this blog will always be on my own journey to healing. I, hopefully, left the low-lying path of justifying myself and blaming others for a happier path on higher ground.
The Title of My Blog
I am a woman who wanted to be a good Mormon mother ever since I met my first college roommate at Brigham Young University in 1971. I was thoroughly (and gladly) indoctrinated by the book Motherhood, A Partnership With God and a delightful little pamphlet by Emma Rae Riggs McKay (wife of President David O. McKay and one of my heroines) on motherhood. Being a mother and grandmother has brought me great joy and provided the opportunities to be stretched, tried, tested in ways which will (I trust), eventually, solidify attributes of patience, sacrifice and charity ; I wouldn't trade these roles for anything.
Musing is defined as calm, thoughtful consideration, reflection, meditation. I am most grateful for the passage of time and the Spirit of the Lord which have enabled me to 'muse'.
This blog will explore the journey I have had in dealing with a spouse who I discovered in 2003 was involved in pornography. My goal is to provide a forum for healing by sharing some of the ideas, principles and concepts that have been helpful to me. First and foremost, I am not a professional anything; I'm just a woman who has spent a married lifetime trying to understand and deal with an addictive personality. Your comments and experiences are solicited as well. I'm hoping that if even one other person can receive encouragement and enlightenment from this forum, it will be worthwhile. Please feel free to comment anonymously and share your insights.
Musing is defined as calm, thoughtful consideration, reflection, meditation. I am most grateful for the passage of time and the Spirit of the Lord which have enabled me to 'muse'.
This blog will explore the journey I have had in dealing with a spouse who I discovered in 2003 was involved in pornography. My goal is to provide a forum for healing by sharing some of the ideas, principles and concepts that have been helpful to me. First and foremost, I am not a professional anything; I'm just a woman who has spent a married lifetime trying to understand and deal with an addictive personality. Your comments and experiences are solicited as well. I'm hoping that if even one other person can receive encouragement and enlightenment from this forum, it will be worthwhile. Please feel free to comment anonymously and share your insights.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)