Understanding Forgiveness

"The scriptures promise that the Lord will answer our prayers for guidance...most often it seems He gives answers in packets, that is, in pieces of the solution."
(Richard G. Scott, Finding Peace, Happiness, and Joy)

Receiving understanding and spiritual guidance has indeed come in packets to me over the course of many years. I see the Lord's hand in sending books and people to me which brought new insights and comfort. The commandment to forgive is, to me, an important stepping stone to being able to live the "Prime Directive" (as Stephen Robinson calls it in Following Christ): Charity- loving the way God loves. Learning about forgiveness comes in packets to everyone; it is a multi-layered principle of the gospel.

What forgiveness is not:
(taken from Forgive For Good, by Dr. Fred Luskin)
The major obstacle to forgiving is a lack of understanding just what forgiveness is. Some of us confuse forgiveness with condoning unkind actions. There are those who think we have to forgive in order to repair the relationship with the offender. Some think that forgiveness has to be a precursor to reconciliation. Some think that forgiveness means we forget what happened. Each of these conceptions is wrong.

He has said a lot right there. I'd like to share some other 'little packets' I have received along the way which have solidified what forgiveness is not.
"I regret to acknowledge that some husbands are abusive, some are unkind, some are thoughtless, some are evil. They indulge in pornography and bring about situations which destroy them, destroy their families, and destroy the most sacred of all relationships...I pity the man who at one time looked into the eyes of a beautiful young woman and held her hand across the altar in the House of the Lord as they made sacred and everlasting promises one to another, but who, lacking in self-discipline...sinks to coarseness and evil, and destroys the relationship which the Lord has provided for him." 
(Discourses of Gordon B. Hinckley Volume 1, page 191)

"Pornography has the effect of damaging hearts and souls to their very depths, strangling the life out of relationships that should be sacred, hurting to the very core those you should love the most."
(Discourses of GBH Volume 2, page 251)

Pornography...eventually destroys them. Literally, it destroys them; they are never the same again. They can not be the same."
(Discourses of GBH Volume 2 page 375)

Is President Hinckley denying the atonement when making these statements? Of course not. I found a verse which I think dovetails with his comment: D&C 132:26 says that those who violate covenants (referring to marriage) "shall be destroyed in the flesh, and shall be delivered unto the buffetings of Satan unto the day of redemption". Again, this is not denying the atonement or the availability of repentance. Rather, it appears to be a prophetic description of those who become involved in any violation of covenants but especially pornography. Can they repent (defined as forsaking and never repeating)? Of course. Are they ever the same again?  There is a reason the Church Education System has a zero tolerance policy for seminary and institute teachers regarding pornography; they are dismissed without discussion. Is CES considered an institution which is refusing to live the principle of forgiveness?


More of what forgiveness is not:
(Forgive For Good)
Forgiveness does not mean you have to think that what happened was okay. It does not mean condoning the unkind or selfish behavior of someone who hurt you. Anger and hurt are appropriate responses to painful events. We must know how to say no when our boundary is crossed. We do not have to be a doormat in order to forgive. Forgiveness is the decision to free ourselves from the personal offense and blame that have us stuck in a cycle of suffering. Anger and hurt are appropriate but they, unlike wine, do not improve with age.
Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting. Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same. Reconciliation means you reestablish a relationship with the person who hurt you. Forgiveness means you make peace with a bitter part of your past and no longer blame your experiences on the offender. We can forgive and give the offender another chance or we can forgive and move on to new relationships. The choice is ours.

Ensign, Sept 2008:
It is important to note that forgiveness does not necessarily mean forgetting the offense, trusting the offender, or even associating with him or her. However, it does mean letting go of self-destructive anger.
http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=610fbf9cd2f0c110VgnVCM100000176f620a____&vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD

Ponder on these ideas of what forgiveness is not. There are concepts here which are 'mysteries' (hidden) to many  members of the church. I'm thankful for the 'packets of understanding' Heavenly Father sends us when we are humbly seeking direction for our sometimes difficult lives.

Next time: Baby Steps - What Forgiving IS