Repentance

I took a class at BYU Education Week offered by a couple who are marriage and family therapists as well as leaders of a 12-Step Group for Addictions. The 4 days were directed for family members of addicts and it focused on repentance; how do you know if a loved one has truly repented? It is an agonizing decision to have to make;when does the Lord say, "Enough is enough!" There are some in the church who say, "You never give up on a marriage or loved one." There are therapists that say even Jesus taught the prodigal had to hit rock bottom before he "came to himself" and turned his life around; sometimes divorce is the rock bottom, the natural and wise consequence of addiction. This couple did not promote divorce but were wise enough to assist those struggling with the effects of living with an addicted loved one by sharing their insights about how to determine if repentance is sincere. I will share some of their insights as well as add teachings from the prophets (italicized) and my own comments.

  The gospel of Jesus Christ challenges us to change. “Repent” is its most frequent message, and repenting means giving up all of our practices—personal, family, ethnic, and national—that are contrary to the commandments of God. The purpose of the gospel is to transform common creatures into celestial citizens, and that requires change. DH Oaks

  We Must Recognize Our Sins To repent, we must admit to ourselves that we have sinned. If we do not admit this, we cannot repent. We cannot hide any act of our lives from ourselves or from the Lord. When someone has truly repented, there will not be the blame-game that most addicts go through; to an addict, it is always someone else's fault for their addiction. When an addict can take full responsibility for his addiction, he might be on the road to actual repentance.

  We Must Feel Sorrow for Our Sins In addition to recognizing our sins, we must feel sincere sorrow for what we have done. We must feel that our sins are terrible. We must want to unload and abandon them. In what ways do you think “godly sorrow” is different from expressions of regret?
Again, like before, an addict will make excuses for himself: it isn't that bad what I do, others do far worse than me; I don't really need to go to the 12-step group, those guys are hard-core. A repentant person will acknowledge that any involvement in illicit behavior is an abomination before God. A client that has a healthy understanding of sorrow for sin is not beating himself with excessive recriminations but he is not minimalizing his addiction either.

  We Must Forsake Our Sins Our sincere sorrow should lead us to forsake (stop) our sins. The Lord revealed to the Prophet Joseph Smith, “By this ye may know if a man repenteth of his sins—behold, he will confess them and forsake them”
Confessing is huge. There are clients who will gladly confess every time they 'slip' but their heart is not in the confession; it has become a game to play..."I confessed, you have to forgive me!" This is so hard. I agonize for you who are reading this with your own experiences with someone 'forsaking sin'.

  We Must Confess Our Sins Confessing our sins is very important. The Lord has commanded us to confess our sins. The Lord has promised, “I, the Lord, forgive sins, and am merciful unto those who confess their sins with humble hearts” (D&C 61:2). Reuben J. Clark (of the First Presidency) said, "I would like to point out that to me there is a great difference between confession and admission after transgression is proved. I doubt much the efficacy of an admission as a confession" (April Conference 1950).
In my own personal experience, I never once in 35 years had a confession of wrongdoing; I always would (miraculously sometimes)discover and then confront the addict whose M.O. was deny, lie (outrageous lies), eventually admit, and then make excuses. This made it far easier for me to feel a confirmation in my own decision that "enough was enough".

  We Must Make Restitution Part of repentance is to make restitution. This means that as much as possible we must make right any wrong that we have done.
One of the finest examples of restitution came from a client who, when his wife finally divorced him (after years of trying to deal with his addiction), took full responsibility for the divorce by telling his attorney that whatever his wife asked for in the settlement, he wanted her to have it. He wanted her to have their home; he provided generous support for her, never trying to get out of his responsibility for caring for her. There were many in the class who sighed and marveled that such a man existed. Whose heart would not be softened by such a man? But then again, for most of us, the opposite attitude is a reaffirmation that we have made the correct decision regarding divorce so we have to be thankful for each time they show their 'true colors'.

  We Must Forgive Others A vital part of repentance is to forgive those who have sinned against us. The Lord will not forgive us unless our hearts are fully cleansed of all hate, bitterness, and bad feelings against other people.
 An unrepentant addict will try to portray himself as "the victim"; will talk about the short comings of the spouse with children/others in an attempt to feel better about himself. A repentant person is thinking, speaking, acting with love towards others, especially the mother of his children (even if she divorced him).  I met a man at a conference who talked about how he hated his wife who divorced him, and how his life is now so complicated with court appearances, visitation and support payments, loss of his home and former lifestyle 'because of her' (even though he was the one with an addiction). This is a huge red flag that this person has not repented and had a change of heart.


We Must Keep the Commandments of God To make our repentance complete we must keep the commandments of the Lord (see D&C 1:32).. If we do not pray and are unkind to others, we are surely not repentant. When we repent, our life changes. Repentance is more than simply acknowledging wrongdoings. It is a change of mind and heart. It includes turning away from sin and turning to God for forgiveness. It is motivated by love for God and the sincere desire to obey His commandments. FSYouth
 For most, repentance is more a journey than a one-time event. It is not easy. To change is difficult. It requires running into the wind, swimming upstream. Jesus said, “If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross and follow me.” Repentance is turning away from some things, such as dishonesty, pride, anger, and impure thoughts, and turning toward other things, such as kindness, unselfishness, patience, and spirituality. It is “re-turning” toward God. As we honestly confess our sins, restore what we can to the offended, and forsake our sins by keeping the commandments, we are in the process of receiving forgiveness. NL Anderson

 This is the easiest and hardest thing to deal with. Easy to know when they are 'off the wagon' but hard to make the final decision to walk away. Sister Beck visited our region and answered a sister's question about leaving an addicted spouse. She said, "You need to remember you are a beloved daughter of God. He wants what is best for you. You must set boundaries with the spouse and if those are crossed, you walk away." I wondered, " How many times (years) do you let the boundaries get crossed before you truly walk away?" For me, a nervous breakdown finally let me hear God's voice, "This is over."

Divorce

I have 3 dear friends who are separated and planning to divorce. Two are young mothers with children, one is a grandmother of 10.

To them and others I would say:

  1. You will absolutely be supported by your siblings. They will always be there for you to listen, advise, cry with and believe in you. It will be difficult to discuss all the events which have brought you to this decision.
Thank God every day for your loving and supportive family.

  2. Your parents will love you and be on your side unconditionally. It will be impossible to vocalize to them your experiences (if sexual misconduct is involved); partly out of shame and partly out of protecting your spouse. Listen to their advice if you are lucky enough to have them in your life.

  3. Your children will have a hard time. They do not like change and their lives will be disrupted; the family dynamic will never be the same but you have probably lived a lie for many years as you tried to 'keep it together for the kids'. They will spend time alone with their father who, if unrepentant, will portray himself as the victim and you as unforgiving, unmerciful, uncharitable and the cause of the family being torn apart. If he is repentant, he will take full responsibility and make certain the children know his actions were the cause of the divorce; he will build you up in the children's eyes and never try to discredit you as a wife or mother. This will go a long way in promoting healing and unity going forward. Whether your children are 6 or 36 they will not understand your decision or listen to the spiritual confirmations you have received in this most difficult decision. If you are wise, you will not give in to the temptation to justify yourself by sharing negative aspects of their father. It is common for children to side with the poor, unhealthy parent (who will continue to reap what he has sown- a hard, lonely life) so be prepared for their anger towards you.
You are their mother who gave them life and have already sacrificed much for them; loving them enough to return silence and love for their anger is just another sacrifice you can make for their well-being. 
"Pray for the strength to walk the high road, which at times may be lonely but which will lead to peace and happiness and joy supernal."
GBHinckley, May 2004 Ensign 

  4. At church there will be true saints who have learned to follow Christ in word and deed; these will refuse to judge you or label you. They will accept your decision with sadness but love and support you. You will be invited into their homes where they will feed you, listen to you, socialize with you.
Be thankful for these angels in your life.
 There will be others at church who will judge your situation without knowing all the facts; they will lecture you about the atonement & forgiveness, share talks and quotes about the selfishness of divorce, try to make you feel guilty and add further grief and pain to your already difficult situation.
Pray for them; they know not what they do. 


  5. Your neighbors and co-workers will be sorry for your situation but treat divorce as no big deal.

  6. Your Bishop will (hopefully) tell you to wait a year and let time confirm the rightness (or wrongness)of your decision. He will give you priesthood blessings and confirm Heavenly Father's love for you as a beloved and valiant daughter. Unlike me, I hope you will tell him everything you have experienced at the hands of your spouse. It is excruciatingly difficult, embarrassing, shameful to vocalize these things but you will heal more thoroughly and quickly if you can do this. He can not be the 'judge in Israel' without the true facts. You will worry about burdening him (he is so innocent) with gross conduct but do it. I wish I had.

  7.  If he is emotionally unhealthy, the father-of-your-children will talk to your children and portray himself as the victim and you as the judgmental and unforgiving woman. If you are wise you will try at all costs to take the high road and not speak ill of him. He can have their ears for a while but, eventually, you living a life of love and service to them and others will speak much more loudly than playing 'he-said, she-said'. If he is healthy, he will speak only the good and continue to treat you with loving concern and consideration. (Haven't seen a whole lot of these but my dear friend still socializes and travels with the father of her children...so it IS possible.)


8.You will be amazed at the people, ideas, books, situations that will come in to your life to reconfirm the decision the Holy Ghost has already given you. You will feel gratitude and joy at life and receive a special endowment of love (charity)for everyone. You will be protected financially, spiritually, physically and emotionally when you are acting under the influence of the Spirit and your life is aligned with God's will. These will be the hardest years of your life and also the most rewarding because you will come to know God and His son Jesus Christ...not just know about them...but know they are real and sincerely interested in you and your well-being.