Divorce

I have 3 dear friends who are separated and planning to divorce. Two are young mothers with children, one is a grandmother of 10.

To them and others I would say:

  1. You will absolutely be supported by your siblings. They will always be there for you to listen, advise, cry with and believe in you. It will be difficult to discuss all the events which have brought you to this decision.
Thank God every day for your loving and supportive family.

  2. Your parents will love you and be on your side unconditionally. It will be impossible to vocalize to them your experiences (if sexual misconduct is involved); partly out of shame and partly out of protecting your spouse. Listen to their advice if you are lucky enough to have them in your life.

  3. Your children will have a hard time. They do not like change and their lives will be disrupted; the family dynamic will never be the same but you have probably lived a lie for many years as you tried to 'keep it together for the kids'. They will spend time alone with their father who, if unrepentant, will portray himself as the victim and you as unforgiving, unmerciful, uncharitable and the cause of the family being torn apart. If he is repentant, he will take full responsibility and make certain the children know his actions were the cause of the divorce; he will build you up in the children's eyes and never try to discredit you as a wife or mother. This will go a long way in promoting healing and unity going forward. Whether your children are 6 or 36 they will not understand your decision or listen to the spiritual confirmations you have received in this most difficult decision. If you are wise, you will not give in to the temptation to justify yourself by sharing negative aspects of their father. It is common for children to side with the poor, unhealthy parent (who will continue to reap what he has sown- a hard, lonely life) so be prepared for their anger towards you.
You are their mother who gave them life and have already sacrificed much for them; loving them enough to return silence and love for their anger is just another sacrifice you can make for their well-being. 
"Pray for the strength to walk the high road, which at times may be lonely but which will lead to peace and happiness and joy supernal."
GBHinckley, May 2004 Ensign 

  4. At church there will be true saints who have learned to follow Christ in word and deed; these will refuse to judge you or label you. They will accept your decision with sadness but love and support you. You will be invited into their homes where they will feed you, listen to you, socialize with you.
Be thankful for these angels in your life.
 There will be others at church who will judge your situation without knowing all the facts; they will lecture you about the atonement & forgiveness, share talks and quotes about the selfishness of divorce, try to make you feel guilty and add further grief and pain to your already difficult situation.
Pray for them; they know not what they do. 


  5. Your neighbors and co-workers will be sorry for your situation but treat divorce as no big deal.

  6. Your Bishop will (hopefully) tell you to wait a year and let time confirm the rightness (or wrongness)of your decision. He will give you priesthood blessings and confirm Heavenly Father's love for you as a beloved and valiant daughter. Unlike me, I hope you will tell him everything you have experienced at the hands of your spouse. It is excruciatingly difficult, embarrassing, shameful to vocalize these things but you will heal more thoroughly and quickly if you can do this. He can not be the 'judge in Israel' without the true facts. You will worry about burdening him (he is so innocent) with gross conduct but do it. I wish I had.

  7.  If he is emotionally unhealthy, the father-of-your-children will talk to your children and portray himself as the victim and you as the judgmental and unforgiving woman. If you are wise you will try at all costs to take the high road and not speak ill of him. He can have their ears for a while but, eventually, you living a life of love and service to them and others will speak much more loudly than playing 'he-said, she-said'. If he is healthy, he will speak only the good and continue to treat you with loving concern and consideration. (Haven't seen a whole lot of these but my dear friend still socializes and travels with the father of her children...so it IS possible.)


8.You will be amazed at the people, ideas, books, situations that will come in to your life to reconfirm the decision the Holy Ghost has already given you. You will feel gratitude and joy at life and receive a special endowment of love (charity)for everyone. You will be protected financially, spiritually, physically and emotionally when you are acting under the influence of the Spirit and your life is aligned with God's will. These will be the hardest years of your life and also the most rewarding because you will come to know God and His son Jesus Christ...not just know about them...but know they are real and sincerely interested in you and your well-being.