Feelings

"The onslaught of pornography in all of its vicious, corroding, destructive forms has caused great grief, suffering, heartache, and destroyed marriages...Participation in pornography in any of its lurid forms is a manifestation of unbridled selfishness. How can a man, particularly a priesthood bearer, not think of the emotional and spiritual damage caused to women, especially his wife, by such abhorrent activity?" Elder Richard G. Scott October Conference 2009
http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-1117-2,00.html
I haven't found many people who understand the 'emotional and spiritual damage' spoken of by Elder Scott besides the General  Authorities and other women who have lived with an addicted spouse. Family members have made comments to me such as "Get over it"; "What's all the drama about?"; "It's all about you, isn't it." I felt guilt at not being the woman my family wanted me to be by staying married. Please note that Elder Scott did not say pornography destroys marriages because the wife is selfish and unforgiving.

 The wide variety of feelings you experience is such a huge part of living in an addictive relationship. You are not alone (and you are not unworthy or less faithful) if you have felt (or continue to feel) any of these:

In 1977 I had my neighbor watch my two children while I got on a bus, rode to my Bishop's work place and cried to him that I felt like a prostitute.
In the 1980's, I felt uncomfortable and cried about some practices my husband was pursuing in our intimate relationship.
In the 1990's I felt nauseated and cheap when he brought prostitute-type lingerie and expected me to parade around for him. I've been told a thousand times,"I want to see that with nothing on under it".
In 2003, I first discovered porn websites accessed on the laptop he received from work. My first thought was,"Oh no, his partner is into porn". (Denial) I cleared the temporary internet file only to discover hundreds more sites the following month. When confronted, he denied, lied and then eventually admitted his involvement. I was devastated, cried uncontrollably and tried to take control of the situation by having the Bishop come over and talk to him.
Thus began the years of feeling hurt, betrayed (what about our temple and marriage covenants?), rejected, humiliated (if I were more sexy, prettier, thinner, younger he would want me), angry.
I believed I could manage or control the situation by installing filters and limiting access after midnight; I  obsessed over policing the computer.
I felt a deep loss of self-esteem: I am a grandmother-I can not compete with those women. I tried to dress more provocatively. 
There was a strong feeling of isolation because of the need for secrecy. I had no one I could talk to; not parents, siblings, friends; no one knew because I felt it would be disloyal and embarrassing to discuss my situation (We were the happy, eternal family with appearances to keep up!). Home and Visiting Teachers came and asked, "How are you doing?" I could never have an honest discussion about how difficult my life was. Unfortunately, there was no Church-sponsored 12 Step Group back then like we have in our Stake today. If you have a 12 Step Group in your area, I would recommend you attend. There are women to whom you can talk and feel understood.
There were months when I felt everything was Okay. I would plan romantic vacations for the two of us and instituted annual family reunions in the hope of helping him see how great our life could be without porn. With each discovery of his escalating addiction, it was exhausting to always be putting on the 'happy front' when I was dying inside. I was losing a sense of myself; there was less and less of me (Who was the real me? I was just a smiling fake front like those life-size cardboard cutouts).
There was a profound sense of loneliness. I poured myself into callings and grandchildren; that was my salvation.
In all the years of dealing with his addiction, I always discovered his behavior (even when I was not looking or policing); he never once confessed to me that he had relapsed. This led to a serious lack of trust and feelings of hopelessness until, finally, in 2008 I had a breakdown when I overheard his phone sex. I was on the floor in the fetal position for hours crying uncontrollably; I felt dirty, nauseated and I just wanted to die. I felt I could not continue even one more day.
Later that night and again the following day, I had the strong confirmation that the marriage was over.After so many years riding a roller coaster of very difficult emotions, I felt incredible peace.

Since then, my life has been an adventure in self-discovery. I've learned that there is no enemy out there except for the enemy within... but that will be a topic for another day.