Now that the divorce if final I went through all my therapy journals of the past 2 1/2 years; I stayed up until 3a.m. reading everything before I trash them. I realized how stubborn I was (and actually still am). At every 12 step meeting, every meeting with my therapist, and just about every conversation with my parents and sisters, I was admonished to tell my children how I was feeling and why. I repeatedly stuck with my mantra that I was not going to talk about our personal relationship; that would be disloyal to him and why would I want to damage their relationship with their father? His sexual perversion had nothing to do with them; what child needs to deal with that baggage? I had lived for 35 years without ever talking about my personal situation to a friend, sibling, or parent; why start now? He told them only about his addiction to porn. I did talk to some of them about that situation.
The result of my silence has been a lot of accusations: of not having faith in the atonement (that someone could be healed);of not being such a great wife; of not being a great mother; of being unforgiving, unloving and unmerciful; of being the aggressor in the divorce proceedings. It was very difficult to keep silent or try to defend myself, but I believed that when you are doing what is right, you should not have to defend yourself; God knows and ultimately will bless me for my desire to protect the relationship with their father.
I did write a note to one of my sons last week and explain to him the time line of our marriage problems; no details, just the fact that the problems began in the 70's, worsened in the early 80's, continued through the 90's and I discovered the porn in 2003 culminating in 2008 with my nervous breakdown over his phone sex. I tried to point out that they have been hearing only one side since our separation. My biggest worry is the condemning judgment some of my children continue to harbor. I try to share my testimony about the absolute necessity of our internalizing charity if we ever hope to enjoy eternal family relationships. All they seem to see is me as the biggest hypocrite because I obviously have no charity or forgiveness for their father. (If they only knew the truth)
I wondered last week if I had messed everything up so badly by not talking to the children. Was I just stubborn and wrong? Would everything be better today if I had just played the 'he said, she said' game every time I heard about something he had told them? Did not talking to them make me appear guilty of his accusations? I returned from the temple Tuesday and continued to ponder and pray about this. That night I received the distinct impression that "it is never wrong to do the right thing". The right thing is to continue to demonstrate charity and loyalty to the father of my children by keeping silent. In the end, this will be the most powerful lesson I will ever teach them. At first I cried, was depressed and withdrew from them when I felt judged/condemned. Today, I have finally turned the corner; life is looking up because I realize the tremendous growth and strength that has come from living by gospel covenants and principles.
Choose the right,there is peace is righteous doing!
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
More Help, More Guilt
There is an article in the June Ensign titled, Pierced With Deep Wounds http://www.lds.org/churchmagazines/EN_2010_06_18___09206_000_020.pdf which is meant to be helpful and uplifting but it can also be hurtful and cause guilt. I'm always thankful for any Conference talks and articles which address this secret epidemic.
This sister had two things going for her which some of us do/did not:
1) Her husband loves her and wants to be with her, which, in one way, is demonstrated by
2) He confessed (and continues to confess)instead of being 'caught' and then 'admitting'.
Reuben J. Clark (of the First Presidency) said, "I would like to point out that to me there is a great difference between confession and admission after transgression is proved. I doubt much the efficacy of an admission as a confession" (April Conference 1950).
Take every talk, article, comment and be grateful for the exposure they bring to this tragedy that is being played out throughout the church. Only you are entitled to the revelation of the course you should take regarding a spouses addiction. You will have to find comfort in the assurances you receive from a loving Heavenly Father that you are still a valiant daughter of God no matter what course others are guided to take.
Be strong and of good courage!
This sister had two things going for her which some of us do/did not:
1) Her husband loves her and wants to be with her, which, in one way, is demonstrated by
2) He confessed (and continues to confess)instead of being 'caught' and then 'admitting'.
Reuben J. Clark (of the First Presidency) said, "I would like to point out that to me there is a great difference between confession and admission after transgression is proved. I doubt much the efficacy of an admission as a confession" (April Conference 1950).
Take every talk, article, comment and be grateful for the exposure they bring to this tragedy that is being played out throughout the church. Only you are entitled to the revelation of the course you should take regarding a spouses addiction. You will have to find comfort in the assurances you receive from a loving Heavenly Father that you are still a valiant daughter of God no matter what course others are guided to take.
Be strong and of good courage!
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Why Do We Need To Be Wanted / Loved?
My divorce was finalized this week. It was a difficult 28 months; it was a wonderful 28 months. I have learned so much about forgiveness, mercy, and charity that I have to be grateful for the tutoring God has given me. I've been made aware of many of my own personal weaknesses which has been a tremendous opportunity for me to repent and strive for sanctification. I can't tell you how many times Heavenly Father has protected me throughout these months (physically, financially, spiritually, emotionally); I've never felt closer to Him and seen His hand guiding me day in and day out (and through some tearful nights). I have agonized over my fears, seen many of them realized and then received an assurance that my faith in Christ - the life I have been living- will always overcome those fears (which come from the 'enemy of my soul').With all of these assurances, why do I still feel such pain at the rejection?
I understand that a civil divorce (like a civil marriage) has no effect on the sealing power of our temple ordinances; only sin will nullify that power. All the blessings of the ordinances of the temple are conditioned on individual faithfulness. We will enjoy eternal family relationships if we have incorporated charity into our natures. I've read and reread President Eyring's words in To Draw Closer To God and I know that we did not come to this earth to be loved but to give love and service to others. To be on the Lord's errand throughout our lives is such a lofty goal, one I strive to accomplish every day, but I have those moments when I wish there was someone who could love me.
I considered it a huge blessing that I was able to "let time confirm to me the rightness or wrongness of my decision" (as my bishop counseled me). People would say, "Oh, he's just dragging it out because he wants you back." He never told me he wanted me, which made those comments even more hurtful. In every encounter, the indifference was always there. I told my sister it would have made it so much more difficult if he had ever cried or said he wanted to be together.Instead, his behavior has reaffirmed to me where his heart is...and it has not been with me for many, many years. Will there be someone who will see anything worthwhile in me?
President Hinckley said,"Some men are enslaved in their own foolishness. They throw to the wind the most sacred and solemn of covenants they will ever make. They set aside their wives who have been faithful, who have loved and cared for them, who have struggled with them in times of poverty only to be discarded in times of affluence...often employing every kind of artifice to avoid payment of alimony." I have never felt antipathy for him; I actually feel like I am still his best friend/supporter. (Is that ridiculous?) I never expected him to make an issue about alimony. I was heartsick and took it too personally when he did. To quote President HInckley once again (recounting in General Priesthood Meeting a letter he received from a woman): "All I ever wanted was to feel cherished... please warn the brethren: pornography has the effect of damaging hearts and souls to their very depths, strangling the life out of relationships that should be sacred, hurting to the very core those you should love the most." (October conference, 2004)
In reading that talk again, I see that pesky "should". Feeling that people "should" love you and care about you sets you up for the fall doesn't it? I guess the most we can do is hope for the love and service we give to be reciprocated some day. I have been called a Pollyanna most of my life and I pray to be able to live up to it.
I understand that a civil divorce (like a civil marriage) has no effect on the sealing power of our temple ordinances; only sin will nullify that power. All the blessings of the ordinances of the temple are conditioned on individual faithfulness. We will enjoy eternal family relationships if we have incorporated charity into our natures. I've read and reread President Eyring's words in To Draw Closer To God and I know that we did not come to this earth to be loved but to give love and service to others. To be on the Lord's errand throughout our lives is such a lofty goal, one I strive to accomplish every day, but I have those moments when I wish there was someone who could love me.
I considered it a huge blessing that I was able to "let time confirm to me the rightness or wrongness of my decision" (as my bishop counseled me). People would say, "Oh, he's just dragging it out because he wants you back." He never told me he wanted me, which made those comments even more hurtful. In every encounter, the indifference was always there. I told my sister it would have made it so much more difficult if he had ever cried or said he wanted to be together.Instead, his behavior has reaffirmed to me where his heart is...and it has not been with me for many, many years. Will there be someone who will see anything worthwhile in me?
President Hinckley said,"Some men are enslaved in their own foolishness. They throw to the wind the most sacred and solemn of covenants they will ever make. They set aside their wives who have been faithful, who have loved and cared for them, who have struggled with them in times of poverty only to be discarded in times of affluence...often employing every kind of artifice to avoid payment of alimony." I have never felt antipathy for him; I actually feel like I am still his best friend/supporter. (Is that ridiculous?) I never expected him to make an issue about alimony. I was heartsick and took it too personally when he did. To quote President HInckley once again (recounting in General Priesthood Meeting a letter he received from a woman): "All I ever wanted was to feel cherished... please warn the brethren: pornography has the effect of damaging hearts and souls to their very depths, strangling the life out of relationships that should be sacred, hurting to the very core those you should love the most." (October conference, 2004)
In reading that talk again, I see that pesky "should". Feeling that people "should" love you and care about you sets you up for the fall doesn't it? I guess the most we can do is hope for the love and service we give to be reciprocated some day. I have been called a Pollyanna most of my life and I pray to be able to live up to it.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Charity, Take Ten
I haven't posted for a while. I've been through some emotional days/weeks/months. Sometimes I wondered how I could go on one more day but then someone would call or I would have an opportunity to serve someone else or I would open the scriptures and hear the Lord's voice talking directly to me so I went on one more day.
I have prayed so fervently for charity the past two years. What I receive is more opportunities to test, try, and prove to myself that I am making progress; that I can "walk the talk". Sheri Dew said, "Charity is not an emotion or action. It is not something we feel or do. Charity is who the Savior is. It is his most defining and dominant attribute. It is what enabled him to endure the cross. It is one of the things that make him God. When we plead for charity, we aren't asking for lovely feelings toward someone who bugs us or has wounded us. We are actually pleading for our very natures to be changed, for our character and disposition to become more like the Savior's so that we literally feel as He would feel and thus do what He would do."
If Life Were Easy, It Would Not Be Hard
Charity is the greatest of all the spiritual gifts. It is the most important attribute we need to incorporate. There is no eternal life without it. When I think I have understood it a little bit better and made some gains (knocking off some rough edges), along comes another misstep. It will be a lifelong pursuit, to be sure, so I will continue to plead for it which means I will continue to have opportunities to demonstrate whether it is a doctrine just in my head or whether it has truly penetrated the fleshy areas of my heart.
It, also, is a process not an event.
I have prayed so fervently for charity the past two years. What I receive is more opportunities to test, try, and prove to myself that I am making progress; that I can "walk the talk". Sheri Dew said, "Charity is not an emotion or action. It is not something we feel or do. Charity is who the Savior is. It is his most defining and dominant attribute. It is what enabled him to endure the cross. It is one of the things that make him God. When we plead for charity, we aren't asking for lovely feelings toward someone who bugs us or has wounded us. We are actually pleading for our very natures to be changed, for our character and disposition to become more like the Savior's so that we literally feel as He would feel and thus do what He would do."
If Life Were Easy, It Would Not Be Hard
Charity is the greatest of all the spiritual gifts. It is the most important attribute we need to incorporate. There is no eternal life without it. When I think I have understood it a little bit better and made some gains (knocking off some rough edges), along comes another misstep. It will be a lifelong pursuit, to be sure, so I will continue to plead for it which means I will continue to have opportunities to demonstrate whether it is a doctrine just in my head or whether it has truly penetrated the fleshy areas of my heart.
It, also, is a process not an event.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Peace
The Savior said, "My peace I leave with you..." We are entitled to that peace when we follow Him. Here are some excerpts from a talk by Elder Marvin J. Ashton.
"When sorrow, tragedy, and heartbreaks occur in our lives, wouldn’t it be comforting if when the whisperings of God say, “Do you know why this has happened to you?” we could have the peace of mind to answer “No, but you do.”
Certainly peace is the opposite of fear. Peace is a blessing that comes to those who trust in God. It is established through individual righteousness. True personal peace comes about through eternal vigilance and constant righteous efforts. No man can be at peace who is untrue to his better self. No man can have lasting peace who is living a lie. Peace can never come to the transgressor of the law. Commitment to God’s laws is the basis for peace. Peace is something we earn. It is not a gift. Rather, it is a possession earned by those who love God and work to achieve the blessings of peace. It is not a written document. It is something that must come from within.
Never will peace and hatred be able to abide in the same soul. Permanent peace will elude those individuals or groups whose objective is to condemn, discredit, rail at, or tear down those whose beliefs are different from their own. These people live by hatred and would destroy others insofar as it is in their power to do so. True Christians have no time for contention. Lasting peace cannot be built while we are reviling or hating others. Those who preach hate, ridicule, and untruths cannot be classified as peacemakers. Until they repent they will reap the harvest to which those engaged in the business of hatred are entitled. Feelings of enmity and malice can never be compatible with feelings of peace.
However, only those at peace can properly cope with accusations and slander. Inner peace is the prized possession of God’s valiant. A testimony of the truthfulness of the teachings of our Savior gives personal peace in times of adversity.
True peace must not be dependent upon conditions or happenings. Peace must stem from an inward contentment built upon trust, faith, and goodwill toward God, fellowmen, and self. It must be constantly nurtured by the individual who is soundly anchored to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Only then can a person realize that the trials and tribulations of daily life are less important than God’s total goodness.
Lasting peace is an eternal personal quest. Peace comes from obedience to the law. Peace comes to those who develop character and trust.
No peace will be lasting unless it is built upon the solid foundation of eternal principles such as love of God, love of neighbor, and love of self. Those who love their neighbors can bring peace and happiness to many. Love can build bridges to understanding and tear down walls of suspicion and hate. Christlike love can bring peace into any neighborhood. With that kind of love each of us can help resolve petty differences, be they in the home or community.
When we properly blend into our lives true principles of love, honesty, respect, character, faith, and patience, peace will become our priceless possession. Peace is a triumph of correct principles.
None of us will avoid the storms of life. The winds and the waves will periodically interfere with our chosen course. The laws of the gospel can bring us back on course and guide us to peaceful waters."
As with all the principles we discuss in this forum, I hope we can experiment on this word (our quest for peace)also and enjoy the fruit that comes with living the above-mentioned TRUE principles.
Why would we choose to continue to suffer and let others control our happiness when the truth can and will literally set us free?
"When sorrow, tragedy, and heartbreaks occur in our lives, wouldn’t it be comforting if when the whisperings of God say, “Do you know why this has happened to you?” we could have the peace of mind to answer “No, but you do.”
Certainly peace is the opposite of fear. Peace is a blessing that comes to those who trust in God. It is established through individual righteousness. True personal peace comes about through eternal vigilance and constant righteous efforts. No man can be at peace who is untrue to his better self. No man can have lasting peace who is living a lie. Peace can never come to the transgressor of the law. Commitment to God’s laws is the basis for peace. Peace is something we earn. It is not a gift. Rather, it is a possession earned by those who love God and work to achieve the blessings of peace. It is not a written document. It is something that must come from within.
Never will peace and hatred be able to abide in the same soul. Permanent peace will elude those individuals or groups whose objective is to condemn, discredit, rail at, or tear down those whose beliefs are different from their own. These people live by hatred and would destroy others insofar as it is in their power to do so. True Christians have no time for contention. Lasting peace cannot be built while we are reviling or hating others. Those who preach hate, ridicule, and untruths cannot be classified as peacemakers. Until they repent they will reap the harvest to which those engaged in the business of hatred are entitled. Feelings of enmity and malice can never be compatible with feelings of peace.
However, only those at peace can properly cope with accusations and slander. Inner peace is the prized possession of God’s valiant. A testimony of the truthfulness of the teachings of our Savior gives personal peace in times of adversity.
True peace must not be dependent upon conditions or happenings. Peace must stem from an inward contentment built upon trust, faith, and goodwill toward God, fellowmen, and self. It must be constantly nurtured by the individual who is soundly anchored to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Only then can a person realize that the trials and tribulations of daily life are less important than God’s total goodness.
Lasting peace is an eternal personal quest. Peace comes from obedience to the law. Peace comes to those who develop character and trust.
No peace will be lasting unless it is built upon the solid foundation of eternal principles such as love of God, love of neighbor, and love of self. Those who love their neighbors can bring peace and happiness to many. Love can build bridges to understanding and tear down walls of suspicion and hate. Christlike love can bring peace into any neighborhood. With that kind of love each of us can help resolve petty differences, be they in the home or community.
When we properly blend into our lives true principles of love, honesty, respect, character, faith, and patience, peace will become our priceless possession. Peace is a triumph of correct principles.
None of us will avoid the storms of life. The winds and the waves will periodically interfere with our chosen course. The laws of the gospel can bring us back on course and guide us to peaceful waters."
As with all the principles we discuss in this forum, I hope we can experiment on this word (our quest for peace)also and enjoy the fruit that comes with living the above-mentioned TRUE principles.
Why would we choose to continue to suffer and let others control our happiness when the truth can and will literally set us free?
Friday, February 12, 2010
A Way To Judge
I was reading a book last night (Family History) about a family in crisis. One comment the mother made is that she felt other people were judging her (and needing to place blame) because it gave them comfort; it had to be someone's fault, it couldn't just be random because then they, too, could be subject to this type of family tragedy.
It is agonizing to make the decision to finally say, "Enough is enough". There are so many voices out there (not to mention the negative chatterbox in your head which promotes fear)trying to influence you. Realize, once and for all, that no one has the right to formulate an opinion and then pass judgment on you for your decision. You can and will receive guidance from your Heavenly Father who loves you and knows you perfectly. I'm so thankful for the scriptures; I can testify I have heard the voice of the Lord speak to me through them in the most amazing, uncanny ways; just opening up randomly and reading has brought me to tears in wonder for His love for me and giving me just the guidance and assurance I needed. Go prayerfully to the scriptures every day!
Another of those 'packets of help' I received was a book by President Henry B.Eyring, To Draw Closer To God. It is difficult to discern the truth when dealing with someone who has been living in lies and deceit for so many years. They tell one group of people one thing and tell you something else. President Eyring talked about an experience he had as a Bishop with a young man who wanted to know if he had truly repented and been forgiven of his grievous sin. This Bishop approached Elder Spencer W. Kimball for guidance:
"I thought Elder Kimball would talk about fasting or prayer or listening for the still, small voice. But he surprised me. Instead he said, "Tell me something about the young man." Then he began a series of the most simple questions, such as: Does he come to Priesthood meetings? Does he come early? Does he sit toward the front? Does he home teach? Does he go early in the month? Does he go more than once? I can't remember all the questions but they were like that- little things, simple acts of obedience, of submission. And for each question I was surprised at my answers. Yes, he wasn't just at all his meetings: he was early; he was smiling; he was there not only with his whole heart, but with the broken heart of a little child, as he was every time the Lord asked anything of him. Elder Kimball looked at me and said, "There is your answer." Sufficiently humble. Stripped of pride. Stripped of envy. Never making a mock of his brother" (To Draw Closer To God,page 56-57).
This was such a revelation to me! It brought such clarity and assisted me in following through with my initial impressions. In this situation (and all situations), you are admonished to 'judge righteous judgment'. You are not condemning anyone; you are using the Lord's criteria to determine if you should 'stay or you should go'. You can judge a tree by the fruit it produces. Words can (and will) be used to manipulate but actions speak louder than words.
The most important thing to remember is that you alone are entitled to the discernment in determining your future. There will be difficulties as you move forward but there will also be peace and an assurance of God's love for you. Stay away from those who are uncharitable. Give them your love and forgiveness but surround yourself at this critical time with people who are emotionally healthy and spiritually strong. Get outside of yourself and your small family circle and serve others; there are so many people you can love. Give to those who have offended you what you want to receive: love and acceptance.
It is agonizing to make the decision to finally say, "Enough is enough". There are so many voices out there (not to mention the negative chatterbox in your head which promotes fear)trying to influence you. Realize, once and for all, that no one has the right to formulate an opinion and then pass judgment on you for your decision. You can and will receive guidance from your Heavenly Father who loves you and knows you perfectly. I'm so thankful for the scriptures; I can testify I have heard the voice of the Lord speak to me through them in the most amazing, uncanny ways; just opening up randomly and reading has brought me to tears in wonder for His love for me and giving me just the guidance and assurance I needed. Go prayerfully to the scriptures every day!
Another of those 'packets of help' I received was a book by President Henry B.Eyring, To Draw Closer To God. It is difficult to discern the truth when dealing with someone who has been living in lies and deceit for so many years. They tell one group of people one thing and tell you something else. President Eyring talked about an experience he had as a Bishop with a young man who wanted to know if he had truly repented and been forgiven of his grievous sin. This Bishop approached Elder Spencer W. Kimball for guidance:
"I thought Elder Kimball would talk about fasting or prayer or listening for the still, small voice. But he surprised me. Instead he said, "Tell me something about the young man." Then he began a series of the most simple questions, such as: Does he come to Priesthood meetings? Does he come early? Does he sit toward the front? Does he home teach? Does he go early in the month? Does he go more than once? I can't remember all the questions but they were like that- little things, simple acts of obedience, of submission. And for each question I was surprised at my answers. Yes, he wasn't just at all his meetings: he was early; he was smiling; he was there not only with his whole heart, but with the broken heart of a little child, as he was every time the Lord asked anything of him. Elder Kimball looked at me and said, "There is your answer." Sufficiently humble. Stripped of pride. Stripped of envy. Never making a mock of his brother" (To Draw Closer To God,page 56-57).
This was such a revelation to me! It brought such clarity and assisted me in following through with my initial impressions. In this situation (and all situations), you are admonished to 'judge righteous judgment'. You are not condemning anyone; you are using the Lord's criteria to determine if you should 'stay or you should go'. You can judge a tree by the fruit it produces. Words can (and will) be used to manipulate but actions speak louder than words.
The most important thing to remember is that you alone are entitled to the discernment in determining your future. There will be difficulties as you move forward but there will also be peace and an assurance of God's love for you. Stay away from those who are uncharitable. Give them your love and forgiveness but surround yourself at this critical time with people who are emotionally healthy and spiritually strong. Get outside of yourself and your small family circle and serve others; there are so many people you can love. Give to those who have offended you what you want to receive: love and acceptance.
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