This post got spammed so I am reposting it 17 months later:
Anonymous asked way back in Jan 2010 if I believe the 'mantra' will really make one a forgiving person. I don't know if your question is doubtful or hopeful but either way it's a good comment.
Forgiveness is for YOU. It is not something you give someone; you give it to yourself. I believe forgiveness is the feeling of peace you have because you are letting go of your grievance / grudge / anger / resentment. You are deciding you're done with blaming someone for how poorly you've been treated and how miserable you are. Forgiveness is you deciding to stop letting other people control you.
My experience with 'repeating the mantra' ("I hoped _____ would ______ but I acknowledge I have no control over the choices of other people. I choose to focus on beauty, gratitude and love.") is really similar to Alma 32 in the Book of Mormon. Alma compares the word (a teaching or a principle)to a seed. Planting (or experimenting on) the word on tithing; the word on love;the word on forgiveness or whatever, is the way to discern if it is a true or good seed.
Try it! Get the Forgive For Good book and exercise a particle of faith by experimenting on it. Pray for grace (that enabling power which is given to us through the atonement after all we can do). If you experience more frequent and longer periods of peace, you are truly becoming a forgiving person!
It doesn't matter what you decide to do about the relationship; becoming a forgiving and loving person begins to be 'delicious' to you. Then you will know (or have a testimony) that it is a good seed; that forgiveness is not only possible but preferable.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Meekness by James Allen (& me)
Meekness is to be non-resistant in thought. (Jesus is the ultimate example of meekness; this submission of every thought to his Father's will. When you have love as your motive, there is no need to resist others in thought/word/deed). Cease condemning, retaliatory or selfish thoughts. The meek can't take offense or have their feelings hurt...they have submitted to truth (charity - what is there to argue about?).
Increase patience and forbearance each day. Withdraw thy mind from arguments; refuse to brood on wrongs of others. (Accept everyone's use of agency) Bless where others curse; love where they hate; forgive where they condemn; yield where they strive; give up as they grasp. That which is real can never be destroyed: love, virtue, honesty, humility, meekness, integrity, purity, patience.
That the meek person should be neglected, abused or misunderstood is considered by her as of no account and therefore not to be considered, much less resisted. To those who give evil- return good. The meek submit; they resist none and they conquer all. She who imagines she can be injured by others and who seeks to justify and defend herself against them does not understand meekness, nor comprehend the meaning of life.
Someone has spoken falsely of you? Can falsity ever really harm you? That which is false is false. and there is an end to it. A lie is without power to hurt any but the one who seeks to hurt by it. When you try to defend yourself, you give life to the lie so you become injured and distressed. (Yes I do!) Take all evil out of your heart and you will see the folly of resisting evil in another. The injury you see coming from another comes only from yourself. All the world can misjudge you. You must possess your soul in purity and love. Strife ends when one party ceases defending herself. By inward, spiritual submission the meek conquers.
(Well, I just love this. It is taken from All These Things Added. You can download it for free from i store. This is even better than As a Man Thinketh/From Poverty to Power which I have recommended before. What amazing insight he had. He lived a hundred years ago but truth is truth. I love pondering principles of the gospel no matter where you find them. Enjoy!)
Increase patience and forbearance each day. Withdraw thy mind from arguments; refuse to brood on wrongs of others. (Accept everyone's use of agency) Bless where others curse; love where they hate; forgive where they condemn; yield where they strive; give up as they grasp. That which is real can never be destroyed: love, virtue, honesty, humility, meekness, integrity, purity, patience.
That the meek person should be neglected, abused or misunderstood is considered by her as of no account and therefore not to be considered, much less resisted. To those who give evil- return good. The meek submit; they resist none and they conquer all. She who imagines she can be injured by others and who seeks to justify and defend herself against them does not understand meekness, nor comprehend the meaning of life.
Someone has spoken falsely of you? Can falsity ever really harm you? That which is false is false. and there is an end to it. A lie is without power to hurt any but the one who seeks to hurt by it. When you try to defend yourself, you give life to the lie so you become injured and distressed. (Yes I do!) Take all evil out of your heart and you will see the folly of resisting evil in another. The injury you see coming from another comes only from yourself. All the world can misjudge you. You must possess your soul in purity and love. Strife ends when one party ceases defending herself. By inward, spiritual submission the meek conquers.
(Well, I just love this. It is taken from All These Things Added. You can download it for free from i store. This is even better than As a Man Thinketh/From Poverty to Power which I have recommended before. What amazing insight he had. He lived a hundred years ago but truth is truth. I love pondering principles of the gospel no matter where you find them. Enjoy!)
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Eat Pray Love
I really am enjoying this book by Elizabeth Gilbert. There are 2-3 f-bombs but I highly recommend this book. An excerpt from Chapter 58:
"My prayers are becoming more deliberate and specific. It has occurred to me that it's not much use to send prayers out to the universe that are lazy. Of course God already knows what I need. The question is- do I know? Casting yourself at God's feet in helpless desparation is all well and good- heaven knows, I've done it myself plenty of times- but ultimately you're likely to get more out of the experience if you can take some action on your end. (See Ether 2:23, come up with a plan- not in the book)
Prayer is a relationship; half the job is mine. If I want more transformation, but can't even be bothered to articulate what, exactly, I'm aiming for, how will it ever occur? Half the benefit of prayer is in the asking itself, in the offering of a clearly posed and well-considered intention. If you don't have this, all your plans and desires are boneless, floppy, inert;they swirl at your feet in a cold fog and never lift. So now I take the time every morning to search myself for specificity about what I am truly asking for. I kneel there in the temple with my face on the cold marble for as long as it takes me to formulate an authentic prayer. If I don't feel sincere, then I will stay there on the floor until I do. What worked yesterday doesn't always work today. Prayers can become stale and drone into the boring and familiar if you let your attention stagnate. In making an effort to stay alert, I am assuming custodial responsibility for my own soul.
Destiny, I feel, is also a relationship- a play between divine grace and willful self-effort. Half of it you have no control over; half of it is absolutely in your hands, and your actions will show measurable consequence. What do I need to stop worrying about because it's not under my control, and which do I need to (work on) with concentrated effort?
There is so much about my fate I cannot control but other things do fall under my jurisdiction. I can decide how I will spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I eat, read and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life- whether I will see them as curses or opportunities (and on occasion when I can't rise to the most optimistic viewpoint, because I am feeling too sorry for myself, I can choose to keep trying to change my outlook). I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can change my thoughts.
This last concept is a radically new idea for me. It was brought to my attention recently when I was complaining about my inability to stop brooding. "You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select what clothes you're gonna wear every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things so bad, work on the mind. That's the only thing you should be trying to control. Drop everything else but that. Because if you can't learn to master your thinking, you're in deep trouble forever."
On first glance this is seems a nearly impossible task. Control your own thoughts instead of the other way around? But imagine if you could? This is not about repression or denial. Repression and denial set up elaborate games to pretend that negative thoughts and feelings are not occurring. What he is talking about is admitting to the existence of negative thoughts, understanding where they came from and why they arrived, and then- with great forgiveness and fortitude- dismissing them. It's a sacrifice to let them go, of course. It's like the loss of old habits, comforting old grudges and familiar vignettes. Of course, this always takes patience and effort. It's not a teaching that you can hear once and then expect to master immediately. It's constant vigilance and I want to do it. I need to do it, for my strength.
So I've started being vigilant about watching my thoughts all day and monitoring them. I repeat this vow about 700 times a day: "I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore." Every time a diminishing thought arises, I repeat the vow. Harbor is a noun as well as a verb. A harbor, of course, is a place of refuge, a port of entry. The harbor of my mind is an open bay, the only access to the island of my Self. This island has been through some wars, it is true, but it is now committed to peace, under new leadership (me) who has instituted new policies to protect the place. And now- let the word go out across the seven seas- there are much, much stricter laws on the books about who may enter this harbor.
You may not come here anymore with your hard and abusive thoughts, with your plague-ships of thoughts, with your warships of thoughts- all these will be turned away. Likewise, any thoughts that are filled with angry or starving exiles, with malcontents, mutineers, violent assassins and seditious stowaways- you may not come here anymore either. This is a peaceful harbor, the entryway to a fine and proud island that is only now beginning to cultivate tranquillity. If you can abide by these new laws, my dear thoughts, then you are welcome in my mind- otherwise, I shall turn you all back toward the sea from whence you came.
That is my mission, and it will never end."
Check out this book!
"My prayers are becoming more deliberate and specific. It has occurred to me that it's not much use to send prayers out to the universe that are lazy. Of course God already knows what I need. The question is- do I know? Casting yourself at God's feet in helpless desparation is all well and good- heaven knows, I've done it myself plenty of times- but ultimately you're likely to get more out of the experience if you can take some action on your end. (See Ether 2:23, come up with a plan- not in the book)
Prayer is a relationship; half the job is mine. If I want more transformation, but can't even be bothered to articulate what, exactly, I'm aiming for, how will it ever occur? Half the benefit of prayer is in the asking itself, in the offering of a clearly posed and well-considered intention. If you don't have this, all your plans and desires are boneless, floppy, inert;they swirl at your feet in a cold fog and never lift. So now I take the time every morning to search myself for specificity about what I am truly asking for. I kneel there in the temple with my face on the cold marble for as long as it takes me to formulate an authentic prayer. If I don't feel sincere, then I will stay there on the floor until I do. What worked yesterday doesn't always work today. Prayers can become stale and drone into the boring and familiar if you let your attention stagnate. In making an effort to stay alert, I am assuming custodial responsibility for my own soul.
Destiny, I feel, is also a relationship- a play between divine grace and willful self-effort. Half of it you have no control over; half of it is absolutely in your hands, and your actions will show measurable consequence. What do I need to stop worrying about because it's not under my control, and which do I need to (work on) with concentrated effort?
There is so much about my fate I cannot control but other things do fall under my jurisdiction. I can decide how I will spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I eat, read and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life- whether I will see them as curses or opportunities (and on occasion when I can't rise to the most optimistic viewpoint, because I am feeling too sorry for myself, I can choose to keep trying to change my outlook). I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can change my thoughts.
This last concept is a radically new idea for me. It was brought to my attention recently when I was complaining about my inability to stop brooding. "You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select what clothes you're gonna wear every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things so bad, work on the mind. That's the only thing you should be trying to control. Drop everything else but that. Because if you can't learn to master your thinking, you're in deep trouble forever."
On first glance this is seems a nearly impossible task. Control your own thoughts instead of the other way around? But imagine if you could? This is not about repression or denial. Repression and denial set up elaborate games to pretend that negative thoughts and feelings are not occurring. What he is talking about is admitting to the existence of negative thoughts, understanding where they came from and why they arrived, and then- with great forgiveness and fortitude- dismissing them. It's a sacrifice to let them go, of course. It's like the loss of old habits, comforting old grudges and familiar vignettes. Of course, this always takes patience and effort. It's not a teaching that you can hear once and then expect to master immediately. It's constant vigilance and I want to do it. I need to do it, for my strength.
So I've started being vigilant about watching my thoughts all day and monitoring them. I repeat this vow about 700 times a day: "I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore." Every time a diminishing thought arises, I repeat the vow. Harbor is a noun as well as a verb. A harbor, of course, is a place of refuge, a port of entry. The harbor of my mind is an open bay, the only access to the island of my Self. This island has been through some wars, it is true, but it is now committed to peace, under new leadership (me) who has instituted new policies to protect the place. And now- let the word go out across the seven seas- there are much, much stricter laws on the books about who may enter this harbor.
You may not come here anymore with your hard and abusive thoughts, with your plague-ships of thoughts, with your warships of thoughts- all these will be turned away. Likewise, any thoughts that are filled with angry or starving exiles, with malcontents, mutineers, violent assassins and seditious stowaways- you may not come here anymore either. This is a peaceful harbor, the entryway to a fine and proud island that is only now beginning to cultivate tranquillity. If you can abide by these new laws, my dear thoughts, then you are welcome in my mind- otherwise, I shall turn you all back toward the sea from whence you came.
That is my mission, and it will never end."
Check out this book!
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Recent Prophetic Admonitions For Happiness
What a blessing to hear from President Monson twice now in an eight day period. To the sisters of the church he said to let go of judging and criticizing others. Several humorous examples were shared to demonstrate his point. He quoted Mother Theresa as saying, "When we are criticizing others, we don't have time to love them." He said that life is perfect for none of us; rather than be critical demonstrate charity. He left us his blessing, "May it (charity) permeate your soul and find itself manifest in all your actions".
//lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-1298-39,00.html
To the church this morning he admonished an attitude of gratitude. Focus on our blessings (family, friends, health, the love of others) instead of what we lack. Trials can cause us to lose focus of our many blessings. A prayerful life is the key to gratitude. Ingratitude always leads to disappointment. A grateful person sees so much good in the world and can maintain a positive, optimistic attitude.
Following these admonitions of the Prophet of God can lead to maintaining the companionship of the Holy Ghost, which, in turn, brings peace and joy into our lives.
He who hath ears to hear...
//lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-1298-39,00.html
To the church this morning he admonished an attitude of gratitude. Focus on our blessings (family, friends, health, the love of others) instead of what we lack. Trials can cause us to lose focus of our many blessings. A prayerful life is the key to gratitude. Ingratitude always leads to disappointment. A grateful person sees so much good in the world and can maintain a positive, optimistic attitude.
Following these admonitions of the Prophet of God can lead to maintaining the companionship of the Holy Ghost, which, in turn, brings peace and joy into our lives.
He who hath ears to hear...
Friday, September 3, 2010
I Knew It and I knew God Knew It
I have encountered some well-meaning (and some not-so-well-meaning)individuals who have commented that "God would never want someone to get divorced, you must be deceived (or unfaithful or unforgiving or unmerciful or don't have a true understanding of the atonement or (you fill in the blank since you have heard it too)".
At Education Week this year I heard a few presentations which were especially enlightening. Mark Beecher discussed the Pahoran Principle (Alma 60-61): being careful about forming opinions on situations that you don't have all the information. Family therapist Dr Rick Hawks talked about dealing with loved ones involved in addictions. He shared so many principles which gave encouragement to be able to move forward with faith. "Real love for the sinner may compel courageous confrontation, not acquiescence" (Russel M. Nelson Ensign May 1994). "Don't intervene or soften natural consequences for deliberate decisions to violate commandments" (Richard C. Scott Ensign 1993). He used the Prodigal Son parable to admonish us to utilize the Sword of Justice (tough love). The prodigal got to a point where "no man gave to him and he came to himself". He was not able to come to grips with his situation and turn his life around until there were some dire consequences. Dr Hawks strongly encourages individuals to seek and act on the personal inspiration of heaven (as opposed to running to therapists and Bishops for answers).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oXCuGvsThEw
Actually, it takes great faith and courage to act on inspiration you have received regarding your own personal life. There was a young fourteen year old boy who was treated very poorly by some people when he told them about his vision regarding the path he should take in his life. He recounted that although he was accused of being dishonest and was ridiculed, reviled and persecuted, he actually had received direction from God. He found the testimony of James to be true:that you can ask of God for wisdom and personal direction and actually obtain it. He now knew it and he knew it came from God! And he was able to withstand all manner of calumny throughout his life because of that sure knowledge.
At Education Week this year I heard a few presentations which were especially enlightening. Mark Beecher discussed the Pahoran Principle (Alma 60-61): being careful about forming opinions on situations that you don't have all the information. Family therapist Dr Rick Hawks talked about dealing with loved ones involved in addictions. He shared so many principles which gave encouragement to be able to move forward with faith. "Real love for the sinner may compel courageous confrontation, not acquiescence" (Russel M. Nelson Ensign May 1994). "Don't intervene or soften natural consequences for deliberate decisions to violate commandments" (Richard C. Scott Ensign 1993). He used the Prodigal Son parable to admonish us to utilize the Sword of Justice (tough love). The prodigal got to a point where "no man gave to him and he came to himself". He was not able to come to grips with his situation and turn his life around until there were some dire consequences. Dr Hawks strongly encourages individuals to seek and act on the personal inspiration of heaven (as opposed to running to therapists and Bishops for answers).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oXCuGvsThEw
Actually, it takes great faith and courage to act on inspiration you have received regarding your own personal life. There was a young fourteen year old boy who was treated very poorly by some people when he told them about his vision regarding the path he should take in his life. He recounted that although he was accused of being dishonest and was ridiculed, reviled and persecuted, he actually had received direction from God. He found the testimony of James to be true:that you can ask of God for wisdom and personal direction and actually obtain it. He now knew it and he knew it came from God! And he was able to withstand all manner of calumny throughout his life because of that sure knowledge.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Doing the Right Thing
Now that the divorce if final I went through all my therapy journals of the past 2 1/2 years; I stayed up until 3a.m. reading everything before I trash them. I realized how stubborn I was (and actually still am). At every 12 step meeting, every meeting with my therapist, and just about every conversation with my parents and sisters, I was admonished to tell my children how I was feeling and why. I repeatedly stuck with my mantra that I was not going to talk about our personal relationship; that would be disloyal to him and why would I want to damage their relationship with their father? His sexual perversion had nothing to do with them; what child needs to deal with that baggage? I had lived for 35 years without ever talking about my personal situation to a friend, sibling, or parent; why start now? He told them only about his addiction to porn. I did talk to some of them about that situation.
The result of my silence has been a lot of accusations: of not having faith in the atonement (that someone could be healed);of not being such a great wife; of not being a great mother; of being unforgiving, unloving and unmerciful; of being the aggressor in the divorce proceedings. It was very difficult to keep silent or try to defend myself, but I believed that when you are doing what is right, you should not have to defend yourself; God knows and ultimately will bless me for my desire to protect the relationship with their father.
I did write a note to one of my sons last week and explain to him the time line of our marriage problems; no details, just the fact that the problems began in the 70's, worsened in the early 80's, continued through the 90's and I discovered the porn in 2003 culminating in 2008 with my nervous breakdown over his phone sex. I tried to point out that they have been hearing only one side since our separation. My biggest worry is the condemning judgment some of my children continue to harbor. I try to share my testimony about the absolute necessity of our internalizing charity if we ever hope to enjoy eternal family relationships. All they seem to see is me as the biggest hypocrite because I obviously have no charity or forgiveness for their father. (If they only knew the truth)
I wondered last week if I had messed everything up so badly by not talking to the children. Was I just stubborn and wrong? Would everything be better today if I had just played the 'he said, she said' game every time I heard about something he had told them? Did not talking to them make me appear guilty of his accusations? I returned from the temple Tuesday and continued to ponder and pray about this. That night I received the distinct impression that "it is never wrong to do the right thing". The right thing is to continue to demonstrate charity and loyalty to the father of my children by keeping silent. In the end, this will be the most powerful lesson I will ever teach them. At first I cried, was depressed and withdrew from them when I felt judged/condemned. Today, I have finally turned the corner; life is looking up because I realize the tremendous growth and strength that has come from living by gospel covenants and principles.
Choose the right,there is peace is righteous doing!
The result of my silence has been a lot of accusations: of not having faith in the atonement (that someone could be healed);of not being such a great wife; of not being a great mother; of being unforgiving, unloving and unmerciful; of being the aggressor in the divorce proceedings. It was very difficult to keep silent or try to defend myself, but I believed that when you are doing what is right, you should not have to defend yourself; God knows and ultimately will bless me for my desire to protect the relationship with their father.
I did write a note to one of my sons last week and explain to him the time line of our marriage problems; no details, just the fact that the problems began in the 70's, worsened in the early 80's, continued through the 90's and I discovered the porn in 2003 culminating in 2008 with my nervous breakdown over his phone sex. I tried to point out that they have been hearing only one side since our separation. My biggest worry is the condemning judgment some of my children continue to harbor. I try to share my testimony about the absolute necessity of our internalizing charity if we ever hope to enjoy eternal family relationships. All they seem to see is me as the biggest hypocrite because I obviously have no charity or forgiveness for their father. (If they only knew the truth)
I wondered last week if I had messed everything up so badly by not talking to the children. Was I just stubborn and wrong? Would everything be better today if I had just played the 'he said, she said' game every time I heard about something he had told them? Did not talking to them make me appear guilty of his accusations? I returned from the temple Tuesday and continued to ponder and pray about this. That night I received the distinct impression that "it is never wrong to do the right thing". The right thing is to continue to demonstrate charity and loyalty to the father of my children by keeping silent. In the end, this will be the most powerful lesson I will ever teach them. At first I cried, was depressed and withdrew from them when I felt judged/condemned. Today, I have finally turned the corner; life is looking up because I realize the tremendous growth and strength that has come from living by gospel covenants and principles.
Choose the right,there is peace is righteous doing!
Monday, June 14, 2010
More Help, More Guilt
There is an article in the June Ensign titled, Pierced With Deep Wounds http://www.lds.org/churchmagazines/EN_2010_06_18___09206_000_020.pdf which is meant to be helpful and uplifting but it can also be hurtful and cause guilt. I'm always thankful for any Conference talks and articles which address this secret epidemic.
This sister had two things going for her which some of us do/did not:
1) Her husband loves her and wants to be with her, which, in one way, is demonstrated by
2) He confessed (and continues to confess)instead of being 'caught' and then 'admitting'.
Reuben J. Clark (of the First Presidency) said, "I would like to point out that to me there is a great difference between confession and admission after transgression is proved. I doubt much the efficacy of an admission as a confession" (April Conference 1950).
Take every talk, article, comment and be grateful for the exposure they bring to this tragedy that is being played out throughout the church. Only you are entitled to the revelation of the course you should take regarding a spouses addiction. You will have to find comfort in the assurances you receive from a loving Heavenly Father that you are still a valiant daughter of God no matter what course others are guided to take.
Be strong and of good courage!
This sister had two things going for her which some of us do/did not:
1) Her husband loves her and wants to be with her, which, in one way, is demonstrated by
2) He confessed (and continues to confess)instead of being 'caught' and then 'admitting'.
Reuben J. Clark (of the First Presidency) said, "I would like to point out that to me there is a great difference between confession and admission after transgression is proved. I doubt much the efficacy of an admission as a confession" (April Conference 1950).
Take every talk, article, comment and be grateful for the exposure they bring to this tragedy that is being played out throughout the church. Only you are entitled to the revelation of the course you should take regarding a spouses addiction. You will have to find comfort in the assurances you receive from a loving Heavenly Father that you are still a valiant daughter of God no matter what course others are guided to take.
Be strong and of good courage!
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